Friday, August 12, 2011

Movin' On UP!

This is it!  This is the final stretch of the summer, and I'm growing sadder than I thought I was going to be weeks ago when the whole SG episode happened.  Then I started to get closer with Jill, and I also met Jay and that's when I was beginning to realize what I was going to leave behind.  So as you could imagine these past few weeks have been
hard, and these last few days are just beyond painstaking.  Now I have left my hometown and I would like to reflect on the summer.
Wayyyy back in my middle school years, I had the aspiration of going to college because it was going to be a time in my life better than what I was going through presently at my school.  I was being bullied, I had no friends, and I felt so alone and I knew that when the day came for me to go to college, everything was going to be different.  But the thing that I didn't foresee was that I was going to make some really awesome friends, and that there were guys out there that were actually going to be attracted to me.  So now that the time has come for me to take my leave from Cleveland, and I'm beyond sad, but back in the day, I couldn't of gotten farther away from my school.
Jill, Ana, and my other friend, "B" have been great and have shown me what it feels like to have true friends.  I wish I could have spent more time with them before I left, but we will see each other again during the holidays, or maybe we can even pay each other a visit at our colleges!  Jill has shown me that I could be confident and fun, and I hope that our friendship will last a life time because a lot of high school friendships don't always stand the test of time.  Ana and "B" are great friends as well, and I hope that we can create a tighter bond.  But if it wasn't for Jill and "B" I probably wouldn't be as sad. :-(
Then you have Jay.  The guy that I met at my grad party was what made this summer a lot more enjoyable.  After reading Josephine, I was desperately longing for an Adam Morgan.  Plus I just had been disrespected by the boy that I truly loved, in a friendly way.  Meeting Jay, I didn't really get that Adam Morgan, but what I did get was someone that was different from most of the other boys I had ever met: he was respectful and gave me consistent attention, which is something that I'm not use to.  See, after the whole Donkey situation, I realized that I had not been on a second date before, or that I had not hung out with a guy that I liked so much.  Then Jay came around and changed all of that; he would txt me everyday, call me everyday, I could be silly around him, he invited me places, and he even came over my house where we spent many hours just talking and goofing around.  On our first date at the pond, we had our first kiss, which was definitely a miss for both of us, and after that things just were not the same.  He didn't call as much, and our conversations seemed to be growing more and more quiet.  Then for some reason, just weeks before it was time for my departure, he decided to be how he was when we first met, and I had gotten this feeling that I was going to farther with him than I ever had with any boy.  I didn't know what that meant exactly, but I had a feeling it had something to do with "de-flowering".  I hadn't really thought about it, but just three or four weeks ago, I definitely was up for it, which had never happened before!  I mean, every time I date a guy, or flirt with him, I'm constantly wondering if it's going to be him that I lose my virginity to, but when we start going out or whatever, I never feel it's right.  But Jay, there is something about him that I can't explain.  I was thinking about planning something with him, but I didn't know how to utter the words, and besides, we hadn't even had a full blown out make-out session!  Then last night, it finally happened!  I invited him over, and I knew that when it was time for him to leave, we would kiss like there was no tomorrow, which is exactly what happened!  I was a better kisser than I thought I would be when the time came, but that's because I was in the moment!  For the first time, I can actually say that I was in the moment with my eyes closed, enjoying every tender, open mouth kiss, kissing him (on the lips! nowhere else) in ways I never thought I had the nerve to do!  Shoot, we did other things that I had always seen on television, things that I shall not mention. (wink-wink)  But on the flip side, I'm still hopelessly a virgin.  He and I decided that since this out first year in college, we shouldn't be in a committed relationship, and plus we are so far away from each other because he'll still be in ohio, and I'll be in the nation's capital.  I agreed with him, but I wished that we could have at least tried something.  But he suggested that we wait till maybe winter break, or summer break to see where we are.  I know that it's not going to be hard for either one of us to find someone, but there is still a chance--I guess.  I just still have this strong feeling that he and I will do "something" one day, but only time will tell.  I just wonder if I'm on his mind after last night because he is definitely on mine, and now alls I do is daydream about everything we did last night. Because, man that had to of been the best make out session in the history of make-out sessions!
Lastly, we have BGF.  It has been over a month since we last talked, but the other day, he came over while I was getting my hair done.  He wanted me to txt him, and so I did, and it was emotionally draining at first because after thinking about what I wished could happen, I had to face the fact that our friendship would not be the same.  Then when he came over and it was like old times, I felt a little bit better because I knew that we could move past that incident, but there is so much more that could go along with that.  We went to the movies with my sister and cousin, and I remembered how I didn't like sharing him with anyone.  I also realized that the gap between us would only grow larger as I left for college.  The next day I had even saw him with some girl going into his house.  I felt jealous, not mostly because he was with some strange girl, but because things seemed to be going pretty well with his "love life", while mine was not going as I planned, but it was still going.  But in the end, the saying is true for my relationship with BGF, "when you love something you got to let it go, but when it comes back then it means so much more".  So no matter what happens, we truly do have something special.
Now, I'm only a day away from moving into my dorm, and this is a day that I have been looking forward to since I was that young and fragile girl that could only foresee dark skies.  I just hate it that I'm so sad!  Leaving Cleveland, I realized that I had no reason to think that my life is pathetic.  I lost two friends, but got closer to others, I even found someone I was willing to give my all too. Still, though I am truly sad about moving on, I know that I will survive because I will find happiness here at Howard, somewhere.  I may not find it right away, but I will realize that I am apart of something great, and things will only get better as I get out of my shell to develop the leadership skills I will need to posses to achieve the goals I have set for myself.  I'm going to let myself have those days when I'm deeply sad and homesick because I'm missing my family, and my little sisters first years, but in the end, I will heal because all wounds have the potential to heal, it just takes time.  So this is goodbye to high school Blackness, and what's up to Grown Up Young Gifted and Blackness!


Thursday, July 21, 2011

Hard To Explain

I'm not going to lie, I wanted to write a whole post about the boy that I'm talking to right now.  This is actually the same boy that offered to take me to prom if BGF and I didn't work out, and I was going to thank him by taking him to the movies or know, just hanging out on my dime, but turns out, I thanked him with a kiss and this new found interest in him,  You know, right before we met, I had finished reading the book Josephine, and was "crying" for weeks just thinking about how come can I never find me an Adam Morgan, and in the beginning when I met this boy, whom I will call Jay, I thought that maybe I would get a chance to show that I can be capable of being "liked", and to show that I have since changed from that scared little girl that was so afraid of showing affection for a boy that she turned down just about every opportunity to go on a date.  But turns out, I still have things to work on.  I mean, nobody really masters the art of dating because if that was so, there would be more than a handful of people in this world that stay married for the rest of their lives.  Back on subject, I will not go into detail about everything me and Jay have been up to, and don't worry, it is PG-13, but I will definitely say that he is no Adam Morgan.
Anyways, the day that I will have to arrive on the Howard University campus is less than a month away!  Orientation is on August 13th, and I will probably be leaving Cleveland on the 11th, and I am both excited, scared, and unexcited at the same time.  After all that has transpired in the past month, I'm kind of doubting how I will be accepted in college, and my abilities to leave this quiet girl persona.   BGF really put me off, but I'm not losing sleep or anything because it didn't affect me that much.  It just affected me enough to keep one eye open when I go to college because  I don't want to go through that same event ever again, especially not with someone I hold dearly. Man I wish that I could smile the way Taraji is smiling in this picture.  But I'm just not as excited as I thought I would be.
See, my first week talking to Jay was cool, but it also made me realize that my life is sad, boring, and pathetic compared to what I see my friends having.  Then I also noticed that even though I think I do have friends, none of them invite me ANYWHERE!  Not even my girl Jill, and I'm so desperate that I don't even bring it up, and I keep on letting them do that to me!  I invite my friends everywhere, well, mostly Jill because she is a fun and cool person to hang around.  Number of invitations so far, 0.  Jay has lots of friends and I hate it when he asks me when I'm doing and I have to give the same damn answer of "nothing".  I love waking up in the morning, but I just don't have the strength to get outta bed anymore.  Shoot, things have come to so much of a head that I don't get that same thrill I usually do when I'm watching a documentary!
The other thing that always comes out when a boy likes me is that I'm always doubting my ability to be someone that they would love to be around, and someone that will make them a way.  I'm not as outgoing as I can be, especially when Jill is not around.  I love laughing and having fun, but I can only do that in a select group of people.  I always feel that the boy really doesn't know what he's getting himself into when he likes me, and I sometimes feel bad for them because I feel like they deserve something better than me.  Yeah, I know, I have issues and it's hard to explain.
Anything good coming out of this whole situation?  Yeah, of course!  Out of every bad situation, some good comes out of it, and it may not be a prize, but is definitely a lesson learned.  BGF, Butterfly, Jay, France, Ana, and even Jill are teaching me things about myself without even knowing it.  And in a way, being in those very unfortunate situations has made me stronger because I'm still alive!  College will mean a new chance for new friends, ones that will care enough to invite me places, and it will mean a chance for new lessons to be learned.  So I will have to go into college with my head up high because this time, I can control how my classmates see me, and I definitely don't want them to see me the same way I see myself right now, or the same way that my classmates saw me in high school.  So, I'm scared, but I'm ready.

With Love,
Blackness PEaCE

Saturday, June 18, 2011

Can I Get A Witness?!

"...Is it right to be treated so bad when you give her everything you had
Keep on talking in my sleep 'cause I haven't seen my baby all week
Now you kids who agree that this ain't the way love's supposed to be
Let me hear you, let me hear you say yeah, yeah, yeah
Up early in the morning with her on my mind
After finding out all night that I been cryin'..." --Marvin Gaye

Ever since Monday, I was trying to think of a great title for my post and I was just about to name it, "I Wish I Knew How It Would Feel To Be Free" after the song by Nina Simone, but that was before I came across one of those Marvin Gaye classics that I had never heard before.  Now, let me tell you that this week has been something!  Actually, this whole summer has been something and I have no idea how I'm going to survive it, but I know that I will survive!
All right, many of you may be wondering why in the world I would pick this song out of all the songs in the world, and I am going to get to that right now.  See, this summer, I have had the misfortune of being treated like crap by two of whom I thought were my closest friends!  First Butterfly disses me because she thought that I was trying to put her mother on blast for not driving us anywhere!  See, my grandmother, my mother, my step-dad, my prom date, and my prom date's mother have driven her around for these past four years!  The only time that her mom took me somewhere was way back in ninth grade and that happened to be the only place that Butterfly invited me!  But really, I didn't feel like she owed me anything for all those times because I enjoyed her company very much, but now, I could really give a ruck!  Alls I wanted to do was go to the movies to see the Hangover Part II, and I thought maybe THIS TIME, he mother could drive us to the movies, just THIS TIME, but she kept making excuses and got offended till the point where she told she wasn't going.  Then the next day, she sent me a long-a txt message trying to dog me over some misunderstanding!  Plus she had the nerve to call me "Sweetie"?! Gurrrrlllll Gone! See that's when I have to get ghetto on yo you-know-what!  That's one of my pet peeves; so please don't call me sweetie in an attitude type way, and I would actually appreciate it if you didn't call me that at all.  The only person I let get away with it is my cousin Prada (not her real name), but I kind of get annoyed when she calls me that too.  
Anyhow, I sent her a very tasteful txt message, but I was so happy to burst her bubble that I ended it with the words, "so there you go sweetie".  Around two in the morning, she txt me back ending the whole friendship!  I mean, I could understand if you were sawlty for a while, but ending a friendship over a whole misunderstanding?! That's whack!  I recently saw her at my other friend's graduation party and she would walk out the room just sawlty at the sight of me, but I made sure I talked louder, laughed louder, and hugged my friends a little tighter.  I guess she had her mom come pick her up early because we didn't see her for the rest of the day.
"...But I believe a woman's a man's best friend
And I'm gonna stick by her till the bitter end
Well she causes so much misery that I forget how love's supposed to be
Somebody somewhere tell her it ain't fair..." --Marvin Gaye

The next story is about Mr. BGF.  I hadn't seen BGF for a long time, well, not in my house at least.  I would see him outside talking with his other friends, and I be in my house longing to get away from here so that I may stop thinking about Adam Morgan from the book Josephine by Beverly Jenkins, which I gave to Butterfly as a present but now I'm keeping it!  Anywho, on Saturday BGF had called me but I decided not to answer it in protest to the many times that I txt him and he never txt me back!  Then I had begun to feel bad because I HAVE A CONSCIOUS!  But Monday came around and BGF knocked on my bedroom door while I was just in the mirror fixing my afro, and he asked me, "why didn't you call me back?" I knew that I was going to tell him that I thought it would be too late, which I did, but I always lose my words when I'm around him.  Yeah, I know, it's weird.  That's probably why he thinks he's more mature than me.  I can't explain it, maybe I'm just in so much awe that a boy would want to be really good friends with me that I just lose my train of thought.  But anyhow, we did our back and forths, and I followed him downstairs but I saw he was talking with my sister so I decided to leave and go back up because I feel so awkward around him when my sister is around because I've had him to myself for such a long time that I'm just not use to sharing.  I mean, they were friends first, but they fell out so many times while our friendship blossomed like an orchid in the spring time. (Yeah! I can be poetic!)  All of a sudden, she just started to hang around us, when before, she would just leave the room and he and I would talk for hours about things I can't even remember now.  Now, I feel like the odd man out.  
After spending a few minutes in my room listening to music and thinking about my entrance, because you have to be careful with what you do around BGF, he will spot something that you didn't even see.  So I went back downstairs and told my sister that I had to get on the computer to type my scholarship essay.  Then as soon as I sat down BGF starts riding me about how flat my afro is in the back.  But I brushed it off and went back to what I was doing, but he just kept going and going, even talking about my lips, and I was thinking, "man why does this dude have to keep talking about me?!" Then he saved himself by telling me that it was his way of showing affection, which is why he doesn't mess with my sister.  And at that very moment is where I felt that all these months of worrying about where our friendship stood and what it meant to him was for nothing.  Why did I come to that conclusion? Well I know that no matter where we end up in life, we will never come to know the friendship, or whatever you want to call it, that we have, the connection we have.  And that my brothas and sistahs is a beautiful thing.
Soon, my mother came home with my baby sister, who's two, and hearing her scream for BGF was something so beautiful that it was almost like out of the movies.  She ran to him and wrapped her arms around his neck and they shared a sweet embrace.  They were laughing and he was being so sweet to her, I didn't think anything could go wrong because I had even learned that I won my first scholarship that day! (Shout out to the Cleveland NAACP!)  But then things took a turn for the worst:
My mom had left to go to the store, so she left the baby with us.  My other sister took her outside to see BGF, but apparently he was trying to get away from her, but he sat on the porch with them while I sat at the computer trying to finish the final paragraph of my paper.  Then I heard this commotion and BGF carried the baby back in and told her to get in time out.  Then he and my other sister proceeded to tell me that she had said the "f-word". I wasn't thinking at the time so I agreed to keep her in the house.  But after a few minutes, I had an epiphany: why am I going to punish a two year old that does not understand what the "f-word" means?  She was looking out he door longingly, just wanting to join the others, so I told her to apologize, which she did twice, but I thought BGF was being a bit harsh, but when I couldn't convince her to stay in the house with me, I sent her back outside because she didn't know what was going on.  That's when I heard BGF yell, "did Blackness let her out?!" So I sat in anticipation for him to come into my house with an attitude, but boy was I off!  He just started screaming at me like he was a f-in maniac!  So I had to defend myself and my little sister, so I said somethings and he said somethings that just blew my mind! (But overall I was proud of myself to standing up for myself)  My heart was racing because I was having a HEATED argument with a guy that I considered to be one of my "best-friends"! He had even escorted me to my prom!  I just couldn't believe it!  But I'm not typing this to bash anyone...not at all.  I think the reason I felt I had to get this out there was because I just don't know what I do to deserve to be treated so badly, especially by people I care about.  Butterfly dissed me and left, but I got over that in a matter of days.  With BGF, I'm still not over it because his friendship was the most special to me, and I think I know why; my father has not been in my life since I was two, and that's for a reason I shall not say until the time is right, but I picked up this book called, Whatever Happened to Daddy's Little Girl?: The Impact of Fatherlessness on Black Women, and upon reading it, I stumbled upon something that I thought was the very reason why I valued BGF's friendship, and that is because I fear of being abandoned by any male that befriends me.  So I always think carefully about what I do or say around him so that he may not get mad at me and not want to be my friend anymore.  The only bad part of me reading this book is that I kind of feel justified for wanting him back.  Shouldn't I still be so mad at him? Shouldn't I not want to see him or speak to him again? Shouldn't being cool again be the last thing on my mind? (shrugging my shoulders) who knows.  But what I do know is that I am a big girl and I will go over there and talk to him, even though he made it clear he wasn't going to apologize, and I feel that there is nothing to apologize for.  I just don't want to leave off for college like this because I know there will be no chance for our friendship then. (Man, just last year I was getting played by Donkey, but this year, I'm just getting played by everybody.)
"...Can I get a witness, can I get a witness
(Can I get a witness), I want a witness
(Can I get a witness), With the quickness
(Can I get a witness), witness, witness
(Can I get a witness)..."--
Marvin Gaye

SMH! Why do people have to treat me like this? Actually...don't answer that.

Blackness peACe!

Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Continuing the Legacy- Part Two: On To The Next One!

For some reason, I really don't want to finish talking about the prom because I mean, it was a very magical night where I got to experience being out after midnight with JUST my friends, and I got a chance to see what it was like to have friends.  I had come a long way since being miserable and friendless back in middle school, and not only do I have friends, but I have great friends that isn't into the drama that destroys friendships daily.  So I'd rather have a few of those than to have 200 friends that always like to start drama over trivial things.
Oh, and there is something magnificent that I want to share about SG!  I know that I said that I would get over him months ago, but even after I did that formal goodbye, I was still liking him and he was still breaking my heart without even knowing it.  So I would look for any reason I could to make me mad at him or find proof of something that would make me not want to like him.  Then my feelings got worse and worse until after the prom, but just a few days ago, he just proved to me that he does not care about my feelings.  Plus he has girls left and right, so I wouldn't of had a chance anyway.  I just can't wait to get away from him so that I can start focusing on something real.  But then again, I think that it's sad that I have to remind myself almost every hour of the day why I just can't like him, but things have gotten easier as the days have gone by.
On a more important note, I graduated last Thursday!  It was the greatest day of my life, and it was surreal! I still can't believe that I graduated from the school that I had the misfortune to attend for seven years!  I'd been there since sixth grade and all hell has broken loose while I was there, but now that I'm gone, I can finally put all of that mess behind me because college awaits!  Now that I'm going to college, I have the ability to map out my dreams and complete them to my own disposal!  Going to college, I finally have the tools that will help me become something bigger than myself; going to college I have my own responsibility to make sure that I stay on the right track and I have the responsibility to make sure that no opportunity is out of reach because of my lack of motivation!  Most importantly, going to college,  I have the task of finding myself, loving myself, and reforming the parts of myself that bothers me--things like my bashfulness, my timidness,  the lack of confidence in my own decisions, and my fear of being a leader.
After prom, I had this confidence in me that I couldn't deny.  Everywhere I went, I held my head up high and I projected my voice louder.  At first I was afraid of having to be more outgoing in college, but now I see that it's not impossible!  I am ready to prove those people wrong that don't think I can change, one of which is SG, but another of which is myself.  I always am so hard on myself, which is in human nature, but there are some things that you as a person can help.  I'm tired of being so self-conscience about myself that I don't want to go out and have fun!  I want to have fun! I want to be fun! I people to want to be around me because I am fearless!  I am a Howard University Bison!  So that should already tell you what I am about!  These past few days, I felt pathetic after what SG said to me, but I reminded myself why I was put on this Earth, and I have found myself having to do that every time the light gets dimmer.  I watched documentaries about my ancestors, and I realized for the millionth time that they have sacrificed for me, and I want to continue their legacy and bring awareness to their trials.  I am ready to learn just like these students pictured above, and I want to make them proud by being the Black scholar I know and they know I CAN BE!  Wow, I am ready to learn and I have no excuse for not working to my fullest potential!  So, goodbye teenage Blackness and hello grown Blackness!  So on to the next!-*-*-*-*-*-*->

                 Blackness PeAcE

Monday, May 30, 2011

Continuing the Legacy- Part One: PROM!!!!! 2011

I know that I have missed a couple weeks, but you really didn't miss anything except the growing anticipation of seeing if I had to take my Government final.    This post here is just about PROM!!!  Also I was just wondering what it would be like to go to prom, and that was something.
Obviously, I didn't have to take the final for Government because I had time to get ready for the prom.  I went to the hair salon, shout out to Kinky, Curly, Straights!, at about 9am and didn't leave until a little after 3pm.  But when I was done, I looked great even before the make-up was put on me!  When I got home, I was surprised to see my escort, BGF, walking from down my driveway in his school uniform.  He liked my hair, but laughed at me when I told him how long it took to get done--I know, weird, right?  After getting into the house, my mother and cousin were in the kitchen getting ready for the huge gathering of people that were expected to come by and see me off to the prom.  They loved my hair, but told me to eat something quick so that I could get into my dress.  So I ate a sandwich and went into my room to put on my dress praying that I could breathe in it!  And I could! So, my mom got started on my foundation and that's when the party was about to get started!  My aunts, cousins, uncles, grandparents and family friends started pouring into the house.  There were about a handful of people upstairs watching my mom's childhood friend do my make-up, and my mother kept the men at bay until I was completely finished.  Then as she was doing my make-up I could tell by the look on everyone's faces that I was looking good!  My mom had even cried!  When she was done, I went to the mirror and looked at myself and I couldn't believe how good--how beautiful I looked!  This was the first time in my life where I can honestly say that I actually saw myself as BEAUTIFUL!
When I came down the stairs, everyone began snapping pictures of me, and they were so happy at how great I looked, and when I went outside, I seemed to have gotten ambushed by the paparazzi!  I had taken so many pictures that my cheeks had begun to quiver.  Then I looked down the street and saw my best friend, Butterfly, getting out of the car with her mom! This was the first time since elementary school that I saw her in a dress and she looked beautiful!  I was so excited upon seeing her that I almost cried, and as soon as she made it to my house, I gave her a huge hug and told her how great she looked.  And of course, the flashes started again as we would take a million pictures together.  Then all we were waiting for was our other friend, Jill, to come with her date, and my escort lived right across the street and I didn't understand why he wasn't already out there!
Before the other's came, the huge Hummer Limo arrived and I'm not lying when I say that it could have fit 26 people!  But I'm not here to brag about that.  Finally, BGF came out of his house and his mother was so excited because both she and my mom joked about this when BGF and I were in middle school and funny how it happened that way.  But he just looked very--um, handsome in his suit and I blushed when I saw him with the corsage because this was my--homeboy about to place on my wrist, something that I had imagined my "Knight in shinning armor" doing, but I'm still young.  We posed for a couple pictures and it's funny how the first time we were suppose to take a picture together at my 8th grade graduation, I was afraid to put my arm around him, now we were at my senior prom and we put our arms around each other this time. But we had the street on lock!  No one could hardly get through because there was so many of us!
When my friend, Jill, arrived with her date, I was surprised at how short he was.  So I will call him, Tiny, and I was so happy that I wasn't the only person in our little circle that had an escort.  But not too long after they arrived, we finally left in the Limo and as we drove off, I was wondering what this night would bring and I was bent on being a more outgoing girl.  And even though I was with BGF, I was still wondering if SG was going to be anywhere in sight.
We had arrived at the line-up at my school and I knew that it was going to be awkward because the only people that I talked to were right there in the limo with me.  So I was happy to see that when we got up there a lot of their families were up there taking pictures so there was really nothing to worry about--at first.  None of my family was there and Jill was so high in demand that we couldn't really even find her, but Butterfly and I were just talking about other people's dresses, which weren't that bad.  Still, we were getting compliments about how classy we looked because people knew that there were going to be some people in the bunch that wore too much, or too little--Classy is just in the middle!  There were boys that I remember in school, specifically a set of ignorant twins, that had even held their breaths when I walked by.  I was living a dream, except for the fact that my dogs were killing me!  BGF offered to give me a piggy-back ride, but what y'all gotta understand is that this sistah is Thick, wit a capitol "T" and I knew that he would probably say something to make me feel self-conscience, so I turned it down.
Then it was the moment of truth: Time For Us To Actually Go To Prom!  When we got into the car, BGF sat in the back of the limo with Butterfly and they were getting along well, and Jill was talking with them.  Then it was just me and Tiny, and if I'm not mistaken, he was flirting with me.  He was asking me all types of things, even questions about whether BGF and I were talking.  Of course BGF and I weren't talking, and we won't be anytime soon.  ANYTIME SOON! Anytime SOON! ANYTIME Soon!  So he was asking me do I lap dances and stuff, and if I wanted to play "truth or dare".  I had forgotten what it was like to have a boy flirt with me, but I knew it when I saw it because that's how I figured that Donkey liked me when we first talked on the phone about a year ago.  But I was wondering whether or not to tell SG to make his chances with me feel threatened.  Yeah, I'm sly like that.  We walked into the bank building and Jill began looking to see where our floor was and that's when Sgt. Robertson told us to go to the 21st floor and I was like, Oh God.  I hate elevators, so when we went in, I grabbed onto BGF's arm and closed my eyes because I did not like that it was going so fast.  When it was over, we walked over to a table and I just couldn't take it anymore!  So I told BGF to stand a certain way so he could hide the fact that I had to peel my panties out my a$$, and he chuckled and said, "Blackness, don't you embarrass me."  Then we gave them our tickets, told them our names, and took a picture doing that standard prom pose and went into the back.  What I didn't expect to see were so little people, a small room, and no music!  I was like, what is this?!  I was so mad and embarrassed, but then I learned that this was the "cocktail hour", and they were just getting things ready for the prom room.  So I stood next to BGF because he is my inside world, and my classmates were my outside world if that makes any sense.  See, I consider my friends to be my inner circle, and my classmates to be nothing to me, and I was curious to see how he would be around them.  But I really didn't have anything to worry about because he gets along with everyone he meets--a little too well in some areas.  He and Tiny had formed a friendship and Tiny was keeping him company so I didn't really have to do anything.  Then as I was talking to my girls, I saw this witch walk up to him, in whom I didn't like.  And I thought she had asked him to hold her cellphone like she knew him and I got real mad.  Then I saw that he was taking a picture so I was all right with that.  Then her, along with he friend, whom I also didn't like, were talking and they were like, who did you come with.  He said, "Blackness".  "Blackness who?" They asked as if we had never had class together.  Then he pointed to me.  I looked out the window as if I hadn't seen or heard any of that.  I was embarrassed for me, and him because he just had to go to the prom with the girl that was completely invisible.  I know that sounds so pathetic, but I've always imagined myself being that prom date some boy could have pride in, and at that moment, I didn't feel that way for sure.  (Yes, I do have problems.)
They finally told us it was all right to go into the other room and Jill and I went in to pick a table, and our other friend whom I'll call, Ana, picked a table close to a window.  I sat next to BGF , but the sun was in my eyes.  So I ended up sitting next to my girl Ana, and that's when our other friend B come over with her boyfriend and he was really nice.  He sat next to me and she sat next to Butterfly.  I was happy to see all the boys at our table hitting it off well while the girls talked.  In the beginning, there was this weird music playing and there were people standing up taking pictures, and I was wondering why no one was dancing.  So that part was pretty boring, except for when Tiny was dancing to every song and singing.  Later on I learned that this was called dinner hour, and also Tiny was higher than kite but he was funny as hell.
Now the party really got started when they crowned prom king and queen.  Because after that, they played the wobble.  I was mad that I didn't know how to do it!  So I sat down and talked to Ana, and then they played the Cupid Shuffle, and I knew how to do that vaguely.  I asked BGF if he wanted to dance, but he told me that he had to go to the bathroom--I think he was lying.  But I went out onto the dance floor and did the best I could in those high a$$ heels.  When that song went off, I sat down because I just didn't know how to dance to the other one.  Later, Tiny and BGF went onto the floor and I just started "swaying" by them because I'm stuck in the 60s when it comes to music.  BGF was making fun of me, but I didn't care because it took a lot of me to actually get out onto the floor even though I can't dance to save my life, but I do have rhythm!  So I was happy I was even out there!
When most of us were back at the table, I decided that it was a good time to just get our pictures taken before there was a line.  So he and I were the first to go, and we just walked to this nice background that was Hollywood themed.  It was really weird because we had to be really-really-really close together, but we took the picture, and I hope that it turned out well.  When we came back outside, we heard the DJ playing that Charlie Wilson song that the radio plays every five minutes.  Butterfly ran over to me telling me that everyone was slow dancing, and I couldn't believe it.  I mean, I was imagining what my first slow dance would be like and who it would be with.  I had imagined it would be to the song "Can We Talk" by Tevin Campbell, but I wanted to be surprised at who it would be with.  I thought about how awkward it would be to slow dance with BGF, but I was also excited because this would be another one of the little things that I had never done with a boy to cross off my list.  But for some reason, I wasn't rushing to get up there. Butterfly told me that this boy had even proposed to this girl after the song went off!--Weird  But I stayed down by the picture place waiting for all my friends to be finished, and laughing at how awkward Jill and Tiny's picture looked.  And by the time we got up there they were playing Usher, and I was shocked at how many people were slow dancing, and I just knew it was a matter of time before I would have to ask BGF to go up there with me.  I had even pressured Jill to take Tiny up there so that I wouldn't be the only one, but sadly, the song was about to go off, so I was praying that I would get another chance.  So I was stuck by my seat imagining us going up there! Damn! Now I gotta wait till college, but the boy won't know me good enough to make fun of me.  He might even teach me in a cute like-you-see-on-the-movies type way!
Not too long after, it was about 10pm when we left.  I was so happy that this night had went without a hitch!  And I just couldn't wait to get into the limo and go home then go bowling.  When we got outside, I was surprised to see this gathering of curious people in front of the limo.  We hadn't been able to show off our wheels at the line-up, but they were so shocked to see that this huge Hummer Limo belonged to us.  This one boy in my class even poked his head in and said, "y'all can play video games in here." I chuckled and we were off back to my house.  On the way we tried to play that ten finger game, but I was too much of a good girl for it to be really fun.  Then this song came on and Tiny just started touching himself in this gross way and I was just playing when I over exaggerated by doing the Heisman on him and moving away.  Then he just told I'm just too much of a goody-goody, but I am mature about sexual things, but touching yourself is just weird.
We had finally arrived at my house.  BGF walked back across the street to get changed.  So I stayed with the others in my living room until their rides got there.  We talked about Family Guy and all that.  Then BGF came back in regular clothes and told me that he would keep them company while I changed.  Then he ended up following me upstairs to play a joke on my sister, but I told him that her door was locked.  Once I let him take off my necklace, I closed the door and put on the same outfit that I had on earlier.

Monday, April 25, 2011

Reach Out, I'll Be There!

At the moment, I have no idea what week I'm in because I've missed a couple, but you all didn't miss too much.  The one major thing that I need to mention is that I am officially a Howard University Bison!  I enrolled in early April on the 8th after visiting the school and being surprisingly impressed.  Also, I have bought the prom tickets so BGF and I are going, no questions asked because that $120 is payed for!  Now with that, I hadn't seen BGF in about a month, and I had no idea where our friendship stood and what it was like in his eyes.  Shoot, I thought he had already demoted me from friend to neighbor.  So, I really wasn't excited about prom because all the other girls had pretty good contact with their dates, and I had only seen mine the day he gave me the permission slip to go to the prom.  I thought it wasn't fair that I wasn't able to have that kind of contact with my escort and I thought for sure that the next time we would see each other, it would be the day of the prom.
This whole spring break, I was depressed because I was still thinking about SG, and I decided that I was to implement a revenge plan.  See, when a crush backfires, I go through these stages:

  • Sadness because we didn't work out
  • Anger because he choose someone else over me
  • Depression because we seemed so perfect, but it just didn't work out
  • Contentment because I'm starting to get over him
  • Revenge. I want to get revenge on him by showing him what he missed out on, which always works.  I do this by looking especially cute on a day when I know I'm going to see him
  • Happiness because I got him back, and now I'm really going to move on
I didn't know how I was going to see SG, but I was planning on it.  Then as I thought the perfect moment would arrive, he was nowhere to be found.  By the end of the week, I began to feel pathetic because I'm so bored stuck in my house all day that I can do nothing except think about a boy that definitely wasn't thinking about me.  It just isn't fair that he gets to go out and have fun, while I'm stuck in my house all day every weekend because I have nowhere to go!  So when the weekend came, I think I was going insane.  I just sat in darkness all day on Saturday wishing that I was living back in the 50s and 60s.  Then that's when I heard these four handsome men sing to me,
"Now if you feel that you can't go on
Because all of your hope it gone
And your life is filled with much confusion
Until happiness is just an allusion
And your world around is crumbling down, darling
Reach out! (Come on girl, reach on out for me!)
Reach out! (Reach out for me!)
I'll be there
With a love the will shelter you
I'll be there
To always see you through"
Watching The Four Tops dance and sing, I began to tear up because that song had come into my life just at the right moment.  I have been aware of that song for a few years now, but Lord knows that Blackness NEEDED that song!  I also began to cry because I know this may sound crazy, but I'm almost obsessed with wishing that I was living during the civil rights movement!  I write stories about it, I read books about it, I watch documentaries about it, I watch movies about it, and the most powerful, I listen to music from that period.  I have no idea why I'm so engrossed in this time period, but I really do like escaping the realities in my life for a moment to travel to another period in time.  This spring break, I needed it more than ever because I was letting this stupid boy get to me.  Then after praying, and letting all my frustrations out in my diary, something amazing happened!
All right, just so you know, I've been having these dreams about SG every night.  In these dreams, I'm longing for him so bad that I wake up angry and depressed!  In all of these dreams, he's flaunting some girl in front of me, and I just want to kill 'em, or he's there with me, but ignoring me.  Saturday night, I wanted to have a dream where I was in the 50s, but this dream wasn't bad either.  SG was having a party in his house, and I and my sister went over there.  I did want his attention at first, but I just said, "what the heck" and wandered into another room without even thinking about him.  That's when one of his friends, whom I think my mind made up, came over and started flirting with me!  So, in this dream, I didn't want SG, I wanted somebody else!  I woke up with a smile on my face!  I was so happy that I dropped the whole revenge plan, but I wore a nice shirt for Easter.  I had to go over BGFs house and I just picked out on the nearest pair of shoes I could find.  I went over and took his mother the lemon cake she ordered from Honey Baked Ham, and talked to her for a minute.  Then she told me that BGF would be happy to see me, which truly sent shockwaves through me.
I walked over to his room and knocked on the door, and he told me to come in.  He was lying on his bed watching TV and what do you know, he was happy to see me!  We talked for a long time, and it was pretty nice.  It made me feel more optimistic about going to prom with him, but I had to let him know that Blackness was bout to go Carlton [Banks] on 'em at prom.  So, I was in his room for about a half hour just talking and catching up, and it was great.  He was telling me that me coming to see him was like a dream, but I told him, "it would be dream if you texted me!" Hahahahahahahaha! Got 'em! I was proud of myself for real!  It felt great to say everything I wanted to say when I wanted to say it!  I loved it!  Then today is when I got my first call from him since December!  So you know I felt good!
School starts tomorrow, and I will have you filled in on everything else when the time comes.  I can't believe that I have less than a month to prom, and about that time till graduation!  Funny how time flies!
Now, I am going to share the wealth with you.  Here is the video that someone made for "Reach Out, I'll Be There" by The Four Tops!  Hope you will be inspired just as I was!

Sunday, March 27, 2011

Prom and Leadership, Week 28!

This week has been great as well because now, I can go to someone and tell them where I'm going to school in the fall, but I haven't made a final decision yet.  You know, there is nothing better than the reaction I receive from people when I tell them that I am going to Howard University, and I am starting to feel that sense of pride that comes with going to college.  I also feel a lot better that I can write something down on the line for scholarships that asks me, where do I expect to enroll in the fall?  There is just this warm feeling and excitement on the faces of the people in the Black community when they hear that I got accepted into Howard because this is a very well respected Black community/university, and they have this rich history full of success, and I am grateful they feel that I can continue the tradition.  There is no more sadness toward the fact that I didn't get into Ohio State, and I feel very strongly that I was meant to go down this track all along like the song "Firework" by Katy Perry goes, "...maybe the reason why all the doors are closed, so you can open up one that will lead you to the perfect road.."  So I will let you know when I am officially a Howard girl!
All this week, a lot of my classmates were very nervous about a Government test where we had to memorize all the presidents in order, and their years.  This was the first test that I worked hard to study for because last semester, I got As on all his tests, but One, and this semester, I have yet to get an A.  I studied real hard because he said that if we get a 90% in the class, we won't have to come to school on the day of prom to take the final.  So if I get As on these tests, then I will definitely be at home on the last day of high school getting ready to go to prom.
Also, last week in JROTC, I skipped out on wearing my uniform in fear that I would have to lead the platoon, and I told the teacher that my shirt had mildewed.  It's not like I lost points because I wore it that Thursday instead of Wednesday.  This week, I wore my uniform because last week, he didn't even ask for anyone to come  up to the front of the class, so I thought it might be safe to do so this week.  Then this boy, whom I will call QT, came around to check everyone out.  The reason why I like QT is, he's cute and all, but he's not really ignorant.  He's really nice, and I'm glad that he remembers my name, even though a lot of people do, but I hate it when the teacher says, "Blackness did this", and then I see the confusion on my classmate's faces as they say, "who is Blackness?"  When he came to my squad, he said that hello to my friend that was next to me, and I didn't think that he would say anything to me, and I was delighted to see that he indeed did.  "What's up Blackness?" He greeted.  I replied, and he checked out my uniform, and I was good, except for my socks, but good thing he didn't check that.  Well, anyways, he was the platoon leader and he had to pick someone to lead, and I don't know why, but I got this feeling that he was going to choose on me.  This sense of dread came over me as I saw his finger point to me, and heard my name slip from his lips.  So, I walked to the front of the class, saluted QT, and did an about face, or however you spell it.  I did it so well that the whole class clapped for me!  I was on this high, but still very nervous because for one of the few times in my life, I was the leader!  After a while, I got use to everything, and it was finally over.  I was proud of myself. . .Still am!  I think I was mostly proud because I had watched that documentary about the movement that went on at Howard University in the late 60s, early 70s, and I felt that it was about time that I stopped being afraid to be a leader.  Those students inspired me, and I know that I will continue that honorable legacy.
Another thing that I was thinking about this week was Prom.  Last Thursday, the same day I learned that I had gotten into Howard, I went prom dress shopping for the first time.  It was fun, and I found my favorite dress my first time, and my friend found hers as well.  So that was finished, I still didn't know what I wanted to do when it came to my date.  I texted BGF to tell him the good news about college, and he was so happy for me!  I felt happy texting him, until he didn't text me back as usual.  Everything was going fine until I asked, "where you at?"  Then all of a sudden, my phone no longer vibrated!  I was mad!  Then I also learned that he was staying over his grandmother's house now, and she lives about 30 minutes away.  I wouldn't of known that if I wouldn't of over heard him talking about it on his phone, and at that time I didn't believe he was for real.  He doesn't even text me, or call!  It is as if I am no longer important enough for a visit!  I mean, I know that I've done something like this to him to some extent, but I redeemed myself!  I've been texting him, and I went to his football games etc, and I'm just sick of him having my hanging by a string!  So, I made up my mind to take that other boy.  I don't know too much about him, but I know he plays football for one of the local catholic schools, and he's tall and cute.  Also, he's a senior just like me!  BGF is a junior.  Then I learned that his prom is the same day as mine, so I have to take BGF now.  In a way, I breathed a sigh of relief because I still was a bit dubious on my decision.  Still, I think I really want to get to know that other boy.  I will be real sawlty if he has a girlfriend because. . .I'm going to make some real bold moves soon.
I will keep you posted.

           Blackness PEAcE