NEVER SETTLE! Week 5!

This week was very hard for me because I feel that I was not given all that I deserve in life, and that I was given this horrible luck when I don't feel that I deserve it.  See, I was doing great this week until I learned that I was ranked number 39th in my graduating class after all that hard work I put into my studies for the past two years.  Then I was even more broken hearted to learn that my cumulative was a  2.93 instead of a 3.3 as I originally thought!  So I thought all hope was lost, and my quest into getting into Ohio State or Howard University would be over and I was only fighting a lost cause; I had even cried yesterday because I thought I was doomed to go to CSU(Cleveland State University), or the University of Akron (even though there is no problem with that school.)   I really don't have problems with these schools, but they are just too easy to get in!  I mean this senior that was in my physics class last year use to just sit in the back of the classroom talking about all these "freaks" he was allegedly getting, and complaining when he got bad grades, and that idiot got in!  So if he could do it, ANYONE can!
With this, I began to think about all the other bad things that has happened to me in the past and thought, "why do people treat me wrong?"  "How come the people that are mean and treat people wrong get to win and I lose?"  "I don't do anything to anybody.  I just sit by myself and write stories to show my appreciation for my Black culture.  What is so wrong about that?"  "I failed my ancestors!  I can't even look at Martin after this."  "Why would SG want to go out with  a girl that isn't even sure of herself?  The girls he usually like are loud, I'm not that."
All these thoughts were going through my mind, and I thought that I would never see the sun again.  So I just cried that whole day because I thought that everything that I worked for was over.  Then it dawned on me that I can get through anything, and I CAN beat the odds!  So I blindly made a vow to do better in school and not to give up because the fight is not over!  Even though people want me to get into a major that will guarantee me a job, I will not let them tell me to do anything that I am not passionate about!  Even though my guidance counselor said that I should really consider the military, and I know he meant the best, but I will NOT settle for anything less than the goals that I have set for myself!  I WILL NOT SELL MYSELF SHORT of what I deserve because I know that I deserve the best and will not rest until I get it!  I work for my ancestors and for myself, and if SG doesn't end up liking me after all, then that's a loss for him because I'm not about to conform myself to what I think he might want me to be; if he doesn' t like me already for who I am, then he isn't worth my time!  That's that! There is PLENTY of other fish in the sea that will appreciate what I have, and I also have my cousin Mr. Revolution as a plan B if this whole thing doesn't work out. Soooooo HA!
The thing that woke up my spirits once again was when we were in College path. Mrs. B made us watch these videos about the history of HBCUs and then she asked us about W.E.B. Du Bois and Booker T Washington and how they had their conflict.  Then she asked about Plessy v. Furguson, and Brown v Board of Education.  I of course didn't have to read anything because I knew all about this stuff.  So I got my paper done in that class period!  When I brought it up to her she said that she knew that I would finish.  Then I told her my answer about W.E.B. Du Bois and Booker T. Washington and she was so happy to hear what I knew that she hugged me.  She said, "Blackness, you're so good in history."  At that moment, I realized that I AM smart and even though I can't answer a math or science problem with ease, I can at least tell you more about where I come from than the average teen my age!  And I realized that my ancestors wondered why White people didn't like them, and why they treated them so wrong, and they got through it!  So can I!  The only difference is, I'm not dealing with White people, I'm dealing with my own race. . .sad ain't it?

Love,
               Blackness

Love and Driver's Ed! Week 4!

On Tuesday, my Mom had me drive around the block, and I thought I was ready, but of course I wasn't.  It was at night too, so I was extra scared, but I was delighted to see that BGF was outside, coming from who knows where, to see me drive.  Then he had asked to come with us to watch me so that he could feel like a part of the family, and I told him that he could come as long as he would just shut up.  See, I love BGF in every way and I wouldn't change him at all because though he may seem so distant from me at times, he actually really cares about me and I feel the same for him.  The one thing that I think is so funny about him is that he loves to be competitive, and when he wins he rubs it in your face until you never forget it, and I can still remember the day when I got the phone call from him about him getting his driver's license.  I was sitting in the parking lot of my school waiting for the seniors to come to their prom line-up when my phone rang.  I was surprised to see that it was him, and he just couldn't wait to tell me that he got his license before mine!  And there are a lot of other things that he thinks I don't remember about him, but I definitely do.  Sad thing is though, he remembers a lot of things about me that I didn't even think were important.  So I am definitely lucky to have him--No lie!
Anyhow, he was happy to hop into the back seat of the car.  I did really good speed wise and I could drive really good going straight down the street, and since there is not that much traffic that goes through my street, I get to do a lot more at home than most other teens.  The problem that I had was the right turns, and I think that with some more practice, I will be able to get it down.  Then the embarrassment occurred when I almost crashed into the fence when I was backing into the driveway.
"Hit the brake! Hit the brake!" Mom yelled.
Then we all began to laugh because I even had to admit that stuff was funny.  Then later on I showed him my JROTC uniform that I was so proud to wear this week!  I was looking so cool in that uniform!  With my Afro, I was a Black Militant!  You know like "say it loud! I'm BLACK and I'm PROUD!"  I had worn it the whole day, and this woman in my college class at Tri-C was so proud to see me in it, and that made me proud to see me in it!
But, I think that the one thing that made my week was the "Back-to-School" speech by Barack Obama.  He was so serious about how we should put 100% of ourselves in everything we do, and this gave me hope that I can get straight A's  this year, which would be a first for me and I still hold out hope that I will get into Ohio State, Georgia State, Penn State, and Howard. . .maybe even Spelman.  Our college path teacher  wants us to write a paper on it, and some of the idiots in my class gave me a headache because they were asking the dumbest questions over and over again.  Plus she was arguing back with the students that were getting an attitude with her!  Ugh!  It had gotten so bad to the point where I wanted to pull her aside and tell her how to teach, even though I probably wouldn't be good at it myself.  But they remind me of my driver's ed class; there are only 5 people in my class, but the teacher Mr. G is very out there and isn't afraid to put you on the spot, but he's really cool.  I really don't have a problem with any of the people there, but I do have a problem with the one boy there.  I will call him Captain Donkey when I really mean the other meaning for Donkey if you know what I mean.  He doesn't try to "cut a sistah down" in an obvious way, he tries to do it on the sly and that still is unacceptable, but there are so many things that I can say about him like how he really can't read like a normal 16 year old should, and he is dumb as a doorknob if you ask me, but I won't say any of those things. (Oh, I'm not insulting anyone who can't read that good.  I'm just insulting him because he tried to play me like I was an idiot!)  I really don't need to start nothing with him because I only got to see him for one more weekend and I will not see his Donkey face again!  And only one more weekend of Driver's ed and I don't have to ever wake myself up on the weekends!

Now let's get to the love part!  SG, to me, is really starting to show that he might have some feelings for me, but there is this other part of me that's not sure.  Like the other day when he came to see me when I was over my grandma's house, well I hope he was coming to see me.  This was the first time that he had done that in maybe a year or two, and that showed me that he might have me on his mind.  Then I look around school and see all those other girls that wear tight clothes and do their hair every five seconds, and I wonder if that is what he wants.  I mean, he has a had a girlfriend before, I don't know how many, but he's had one before and I can't play her because she seemed really nice, but I can't help but to ask myself, what does he see in here that he didn't see in me that one time?  I guess she might be fun to hang out with, and not as shy as I am, and that's the thing that really holds me back from meeting new people period!  I like to keep to myself because I hate attention, but I only like it if it's for a political reason, but I really seem to be so serious when I'm around him and other people, but I do loosen up to people after a while.  I think about what prom night is going to be like with SG, and what his reaction is going to be when I ask him to go with me, but I know that no matter what, it's going to be the right choice because I can't see me going with anyone else!  Talking to BGF or BFF is out of the question because I don't know how this is going to end.  I just hope it's a happy one. . .you know, one last happy ending before I go off to college.

                   Love,
                                Blackness

Teenage Dream

"You make me feel like I'm living a teenage dream the way you turn me on.  I can't sleep. Let's run away and don't ever look back, don't ever look back.  My heart stops, when you look at me. Just one touch. Now baby I believe this is real.  Let's take a chance and don't ever look back, don't ever look back. I'ma get your heart racing in my skin tight jeans, be your teenage dream tonight.  Let you put your hands on me in my skin tight jeans be your teenage dream tonight." -Teenage Dream by Katy Perry.

This may sound so ridiculous, but I made this me and SG's song.  The first verse describes "our" feelings perfectly, or the feelings that I hope he feels.  I haven't seen him in like a week, and I know that he's been gone for a while, but I'm hoping that I see him soon.  Every since maybe Monday night, I've been back and forth on whether or not I'm still going to ask him to the prom.  This may sound so weird, but I'm not a dancer and I don't listen to the music that we will have to hear at the Prom and I'm nervous to do all that stuff.  I know that Prom night is your night, and no one else should matter, but right now I'm just so worried about how I can get myself ready to do what I do.  And the only reason why I'm so nervous about this is because I plan on asking him in either January or December on Christmas Day!  I'm excited about that part though.  I'm hoping that this will go as I want it to, but I'm preparing for anything because he can be unpredictable.
Last week, I noticed something that made me feel good about SG's feelings for me.  He was sitting across from me, and I was standing up listening to someone talk.  Then I just so happened to look up and saw him staring at me, and then he looked away.  That day went good for us because it seemed like we were kind of flirting and I feel that I have been making some bold moves here: I give him my time, I give him attention, and I kind of give little hints here and there, but boys are blind.  My next move?  I don't know, but I'm thinking about it very thoroughly.  I'm just so proud of myself for the way that I'm handling this, and I hope that I will continue this way.

Love,
           Blackness

College Bond: Week 3!

I am proud of the effort I put in school this week, and it was a short one since there was Iowa testing for the 9th, 10th, and 11th graders so the seniors didn't have to come!
The thing I pride myself the most on is the fact that I stood  outside my government teacher's classroom for like 20 minutes after school until he came downstairs, and ya know I coulda and shoulda left! But I had to finish my study guide for the test, and I wasn't leaving until I finished it!  Now this is the addittude I needed a couple of school years ago! 
Right now, I got a lot of stuff going on: I got my college classes at Tri-C, I'm going to start drivers ed this week end, my ACT is coming up next month and I'm thinkinig about taking some prepratory clasess at DeVry, and I got applications that I'm starting to handle! Whow, that was a lot just to type!
But the other night when we were sitting in the car waiting for my stepdad to unlock the door, my mom told me something that got me a little bit excited.
"I think we're going to spend spring break in D.C. since you're thinking about Howard."
"For real?!"
Now this got me excited about college again since my dreams were crushed.  See I'm so confused on where I want to go to school at ever since I took Clark Atlanta off my list.  Oh, and this is a story I've got to tell!
Last April, we took a family vacation in Atlanta, Georgia and that was the best spring break I've ever had in my life!  Around that time, I had put Clark Atlanta at the top of my list so we just had to take a tour while we were down there.  Well. . .let me just tell you that I dropped that school from my list quick!  The school had lost a lot of it's old glory because no longer can it live off the memory of W.E.B. Du Bois or other greats that walked that campus because it is nothing mere a world of materialistic hoes that walk around school with tight booty shorts and heels; the boys HAVE to have the coolest clothes or they can't begin their day. The tour went pretty good, but it was not at all how it seemed like on the movies and on the website. Like I said before, the grass was dead, and it was a booty shorts paradise.


my cousin, who goes to Morehouse whom I will call Mr. Revolution, was trying to call me a couple of times, but I didn't want to answer the phone during the tour, but I finally did during our stop at the library, and he told me that he was at the student center and we would be close to him. So I got excited as we got closer to the end, and by that time, nothing that the tour guide said, mattered anymore. But I was listening to her somewhat. Then I looked over and saw this weird guy holding up a sign that says, "a revolution will not be televised!" Plus he had a megaphone. I was thinking, man this dude is having a rally while we're here. Then he began to walk up to my stepdad, and then I was thinking, dang, he about to walk up to Sam. Then that dude screamed out "Auntie!" and hugged my mother. So, I realized that it was my cousin! I began to smile as I tried to lisen to the tour guide, and then I heard a "psst! psst!" and he waved after he got my attention.

"Alright, that concludes our tour. Now I will take you back to the Office of Admissions so you can get your brochures." The tour guide said. I didn't even follow them because I was with my FAVORITE cousin! My Afro-centric cousin! My Neo-Soul cousin! My Revolutionary cousin! He looked a bit off with his goatee, and he had on this shirt that said, "go hard", with a fist on it. He was so happy to see us as he hugged everyone really tight. Then he introduced us to his female roommate who was trying to send out a message that the world has become so SUPERFICIAL, and as she was talking to me I was thinking, RIGHT ON MY SISTAH! I was impressed, I was dumbfounded! So she's trying to become Ms. CAU so she can actually change the school in a positive way instead of those other girls who just get choosen for their looks.  Soon after that, he began to tell us about what really goes on at Clark Atlanta. He said that people begginning to lose focus in school because all their trying to do is show off their fashion, and try to see who has the best clothes. So that's why the graduation rate is only 65%, and that's why we saw so many girls looking like they were about to go to the club at 4:00 in the afternoon. So I was like, um, Clark is OFFICIALLY OFF THE LIST! And this changed me forever!
My second choice had become Georgia State because I had made up my mind to go school in Atlanta, but not too long ago my dreams were crushed once again when I was told by my Mom that the only way I could to Georgia State was if I got hella scholarships!  So I turned to University of Akron, Ohio State, and Howard.  At first I didn't want to go to an HBCU, for reasons that I disclosed in the previous blog, but the thought of going to Howard has me excited.  So when we go, I hope I like it!

Be Successful! Week 2!

This week, I was all about doing what I had to do to be successful so that I can go to the college of my choice, and it was all thanks to a motivational video our college path teacher made us watch.  I don't know who the guy was, but he told this cool story about how if you want to be successful, you can't just want it, you have to REALLY REALLY want it to the point where you sacrifice sleep.  I personally would sacrifice to be successful, and have in the past, but we need our sleep or we're not going to be able to do anything!  Still, it's not impossible to sacrifice something else like me, I've stayed in the house while everyone else was outside having fun so that I could become this much closer to getting my book published so it can impact the community.
The thing that made me want to work harder was when I saw this video on the Ohio State website, and I have a link to it below, it was about 11 Black students that are currently going to their school.  They talk about the different stereotypes and the reason why they chose to come to a predominately white school.  The good point that all of them had was that race should never play a part in your decision.   I personally would rather go to a predominately white school only for the reason that it's more diverse than an HBCU, and I love diversity!  Every time I see an Indian person, or an Asian person, I tell myself that I live in a country where all these people are mixed together, and that makes me smile every time I think about it, even now! :-)  Now HBCUs or diverse only for that reason that you would meet so many people like you with a different state of mind.  And there is nothing wrong with going to an HBCU, but you have to look for the good ones to really get that education that will elevate you to be whoever you want to be.

Even though I'm terribly shy, and the thought of me speaking in front of a crowd of people makes me want to faint, but if I want to be able to get myself involved in the Black community, I have to get myself out of that fear.  In JROTC, the fear of me having to run the class is what's making me want to get out the class, but I'm just so tired of being scared and I've decided that if I want to get out of what people call a "shell" so that I won't have to let my fear of speaking interfere with the opportunities that I know that I will have for me in the future,  I'm going to stay in this class even though I think I'm the only one in my class doing this for the right reason.  But please click on the link below and I promise you that you will be motivated.

Love,
            Blackness

Danger:Educated Blacks!

A Book You Can Not Live Without

Right now I'm reading about 4 books, 2 have to deal with Dr. King (A Knock at Midnight, and Parting the Waters: American in the King Years 1955-1963 by Taylor Branch-yes that bad boy is over 900 pages!), 1 is dealing with the Black Panthers (Waiting'Til The Midnight Hour: Black Power In America by Peniel Joseph) and the other 1 is a book about how to find your inner Black self (Know Thy Self by Nakim Ak'bar).  Yeah, I'm a book worm kinda sistah, but there is one book that none of us should be living without, and that book is "A Knock At Midnight", a book of Martin Luther King's sermons, and that very title is the name of one of his most powerful sermons.  This book has changed my life!  Actually, it has brought light into my life when the sun wasn't shinning, but my mind goes off into distant lands every time I learn something new.  For instance, in history class, if we're talking about the Civil War, I will more than likely try to find a book about Slavery.  Right now, I'm trying to learn more about the Black Power Movement, and so far I don't agree with what the Nation of Islam was teaching our Brothers and Sistahs back then.   Anyhow, with this whole situation with SG, I have to read Martin's book because he always reminds me of my purpose on this Earth every time it becomes a little cloudy.  I got this book right from the Martin Luther King Jr. Center in Atlanta, and this has to be the best investment that I had my Mom make on me (yes, I was broke at the time.  Still am.)!  Every time I read this book, I pretend that I can actually hear him making the sermon and am pretty good at it.  And I remember so many of his quotes from the book till it's crazy, like this book has become my bible!  But I think that the most powerful of his sermons was "A Knock At Midnight" and in that sermon he talks about all the things that a church is there to do for the common folks of America, but the most powerful quote in that sermon; the one that anyone of us can use is the one I used in my blog "Lady sings the first week blues".  Man how I needed that quote today because I was even thinking about SG when I woke up this morning!  Ugh!  But lucky for me, my old crush from last year came back to school, I'll call him Mr. Vest because boy how I loved the way he looked when he came to school in a body hugging sweater vest.  Well I was so happy to see Mr. Vest because he is the best eye candy at that school, and here are the things that are working in his favor: he's smart, he's tall, he's cute, and respectful, but there was a reason why I stopped liking him in the first place: unlike SG, he's a playa (well as far as I know because SG never talks to me about girls).  He used to be hugged up on one girl after the other and that stuff got on my nerves so bad, but I was still friendly.  So now that he was back, I could at least keep SG off my mind while I was at school.  But I do like to think about BGF because he makes me feel as if there is some boy out there that wouldn't do me wrong.  I mean, we do mess wit each other and make fun of each other, but we mean it in good fun and still love each in the end cause we got each other's back.  Still on, I think that the only guy I can trust is Martin because he steps in when BGF can't be there, as he did today.   I mean, a sistah was pumped up!  I was reading my spoken word poem like the contest was tomorrow, and I read part of my TOP SECRET story really good too, which gave me this reminder that I was not put on this Earth to please any boy, so sorry my brothas.  I still love you though, and I'm pretty sure that by tomorrow, I will be thinking about SG again.

The Color of Love is Scarlet and Gray

This was the best weekend of the whole school year because I got to go to my BGF's (Best Guy Friend) first football game of the season, and that was exciting!  I mean, I was planning to pay for the ticket at the place because I wasn't sure I was going, but my boy got me a ticket which I thought was so sweet.  Before, I get into that, I want to talk about a brotha that I've been thinking about lately.  I won't say his name, but I will call him SG(Scarlet and Gray, and why did I pick these colors?  Just figure it out on your own, but by the time I ask him to prom, you will know just who I'm talking about.).  I don't know why it is that I'm thinking about SG, but I think it's because of how I realized how much we love each other, and I mean that in a fun way, and I just had to wait to my last year to realize it.  So ever since he helped me feel better about this recent guy situation, I've been having these weird dreams about us, and don't worry we're not doing anything, but we like each other in these dreams and there is no denying it.  In real life, I was denying my feelings for him, and I was trying to get over him, but as the days grow and the more time we spend together, these feelings get deeper and deeper.  I remember the last time I liked SG, it ended so tragically but we were young, and I didn't even want to be in the same room as him because he made me nervous, but now I have to see him more and more; I have to be around him more and more; I have to talk to him more and more because I like him.  And I really look at the big picture, it's pretty obvious that he likes me too, just as much or more.  Now, I'm not denying my feelings for him, but I want to get over him so bad!
Yesterday I decided to sit out on the porch so that I could have the quiet of the outdoors to give me the inspiration I needed to write a poem for my Grandfather's 80 birthday.  It was working well, but I got sidetracked for a moment when I saw my BGF walk outside to chase his cousin around; his annoying cousin.  Then before I knew it, she brought her fast self across the street.
"Hey, why didn't you talk to BGF?"
"I didn't hear him."
She smiled.  "You didn't need to."
Um, if you don't know, this young sistah is 12.
Then I thought, damn, now he's probably mad at me because I didn't hear him, so I called him, but he didn't answer so that was the end of that.  I just sat there and played "Crusin'" by Smokey Robinson because that song can calm me during any situation.  And next thing I know, here comes my BGF walking across the street on his cellphone.  I was thinking, "damn, he just got on his phone without even calling me back?  All right, I got him."  He just casually walked past me and went into the house.  Then here came his cousin talking to me about boyfriends.
"Oh, your boyfriend is my cousin.  Do you go with my cousin?"
I actually blushed, but told her "no."
"You like my cousin don't you?"
"Um, no I don't."
"Um-hum.  I see how y'all be lookin' at each other.  You over here standing in the door, and he's sitting in the car."
Um, let me remind you again that this young sistah is 12! 12! 
So I just had to explain to her how I was running away from bees which is why she saw me looking out the door, and I do have a wood porch after all.  And that my brothas and sistahs is the truth.  Again she was pretending as if she knew that BGF liked me.  But she thankfully went back across the street and my BGF came back outside asking me what I wanted when I called.  I told him that I just wanted to know what he said, and he told me he didn't even say anything!  (That little girl had me worried for nothing!)  And she came back across the street and both of them began arguing, and she had finally said that "you're just showing off because you like Blackness!" (don't be alarmed, that's not my real name)  And he said, "um sorry Blackness", but never finished, but I know what he meant.  And their arguing was hilarious at first, but she became so annoying that I just took my stuff in the house and went upstairs into my room to make sure it was BGF proof, and finally they took their argument upstairs and I closed my door just in case his cousin was thinking about hiding in my room so that he wouldn't beat her up.  But finally he locked her out the house and he went back across the street to get ready for his football game.
I had planned on wearing a plain top with a black blazer because that was my favorite item in my closet, but my mom said I was too overdressed for a football game.  I mean, I celebrities wearing theirs just going on the town, even the mall, I'm actually going somewhere!  When my friend came over, I asked for her opinion, but she didn't help at all, so I just threw it back on until my Mom told me once again that I was overdressed for a football game, and I changed into my 2pac shirt with some skinny jeans, and my gold Ecko high tops.  And my fro made me look so Afrocentric!  I was still angry that my Mom told me that wearing my Blazer was over dressed!  UGH!  When we actually got to the game, man there was a whole bunch of White folks, and not just any White folks, they were the upper-middle class kind who could actually afford to do shiznit like this every weekend.  And there were so many people at Browns Stadium that you would of thought that the Browns were playing, and the reality that my boy was going to be playing in front of all these people was sinking in.  Then there were the White girls that just had to wear their tight shorts, and a Black girl was there and her shorts were so short I probably saw her booty cheeks (as if I wanted to).  I just shook my head and was glad that I didn't stoop myself to levels like that to get attention from guys.
When we finally sat down, it was just in time to see the guys run out of the tunnel!  The Wildcats were all dressed in their uniforms, but I was looking for #16.  And I saw him, it was so cool to see him in his football uniform!  And the best part of a football uniform is the football pants!. . .tight football pants! :-)  I mean, I know that he's my BGF, but I just had to take a peek at #16, and it was nice! LOL.  Back to the subject, the whole atmosphere was fun, but he didn't get a chance to play.  I was salty, racist school!  His mom couldn't take that, so we just left  close to the end and took my friend home, and we waited for him to get off the bus, needless to say, they lost.  I was expecting him to be all mean, but he was cool.  He was laughing and talking like he usually does, and he was actually being a lot nicer to me than usual so that was nice.  And once we got home, I thanked them for having me and they thanked me for coming.  So I walked in the house and slept good that night because me and BGF have come along way.  Shoot, I've known him since he was in 3rd grade, and now we're both 16, I'm a senior in high school and he's a junior (yes, I'm suppose to be in the 11th grade), I still can't believe it.  But that night, I couldn't help but to have SG on my mind till the very minute I fell asleep hoping that I would soon get a sign that he wants me just as much as I want him, I txtd him that night to convince myself that he still might like me, and I felt good about it, though I have soon been discouraged.  :'(         (sad face crying)