Friday, August 12, 2011
hard, and these last few days are just beyond painstaking. Now I have left my hometown and I would like to reflect on the summer.
Wayyyy back in my middle school years, I had the aspiration of going to college because it was going to be a time in my life better than what I was going through presently at my school. I was being bullied, I had no friends, and I felt so alone and I knew that when the day came for me to go to college, everything was going to be different. But the thing that I didn't foresee was that I was going to make some really awesome friends, and that there were guys out there that were actually going to be attracted to me. So now that the time has come for me to take my leave from Cleveland, and I'm beyond sad, but back in the day, I couldn't of gotten farther away from my school.
Jill, Ana, and my other friend, "B" have been great and have shown me what it feels like to have true friends. I wish I could have spent more time with them before I left, but we will see each other again during the holidays, or maybe we can even pay each other a visit at our colleges! Jill has shown me that I could be confident and fun, and I hope that our friendship will last a life time because a lot of high school friendships don't always stand the test of time. Ana and "B" are great friends as well, and I hope that we can create a tighter bond. But if it wasn't for Jill and "B" I probably wouldn't be as sad. :-(
Then you have Jay. The guy that I met at my grad party was what made this summer a lot more enjoyable. After reading Josephine, I was desperately longing for an Adam Morgan. Plus I just had been disrespected by the boy that I truly loved, in a friendly way. Meeting Jay, I didn't really get that Adam Morgan, but what I did get was someone that was different from most of the other boys I had ever met: he was respectful and gave me consistent attention, which is something that I'm not use to. See, after the whole Donkey situation, I realized that I had not been on a second date before, or that I had not hung out with a guy that I liked so much. Then Jay came around and changed all of that; he would txt me everyday, call me everyday, I could be silly around him, he invited me places, and he even came over my house where we spent many hours just talking and goofing around. On our first date at the pond, we had our first kiss, which was definitely a miss for both of us, and after that things just were not the same. He didn't call as much, and our conversations seemed to be growing more and more quiet. Then for some reason, just weeks before it was time for my departure, he decided to be how he was when we first met, and I had gotten this feeling that I was going to farther with him than I ever had with any boy. I didn't know what that meant exactly, but I had a feeling it had something to do with "de-flowering". I hadn't really thought about it, but just three or four weeks ago, I definitely was up for it, which had never happened before! I mean, every time I date a guy, or flirt with him, I'm constantly wondering if it's going to be him that I lose my virginity to, but when we start going out or whatever, I never feel it's right. But Jay, there is something about him that I can't explain. I was thinking about planning something with him, but I didn't know how to utter the words, and besides, we hadn't even had a full blown out make-out session! Then last night, it finally happened! I invited him over, and I knew that when it was time for him to leave, we would kiss like there was no tomorrow, which is exactly what happened! I was a better kisser than I thought I would be when the time came, but that's because I was in the moment! For the first time, I can actually say that I was in the moment with my eyes closed, enjoying every tender, open mouth kiss, kissing him (on the lips! nowhere else) in ways I never thought I had the nerve to do! Shoot, we did other things that I had always seen on television, things that I shall not mention. (wink-wink) But on the flip side, I'm still hopelessly a virgin. He and I decided that since this out first year in college, we shouldn't be in a committed relationship, and plus we are so far away from each other because he'll still be in ohio, and I'll be in the nation's capital. I agreed with him, but I wished that we could have at least tried something. But he suggested that we wait till maybe winter break, or summer break to see where we are. I know that it's not going to be hard for either one of us to find someone, but there is still a chance--I guess. I just still have this strong feeling that he and I will do "something" one day, but only time will tell. I just wonder if I'm on his mind after last night because he is definitely on mine, and now alls I do is daydream about everything we did last night. Because, man that had to of been the best make out session in the history of make-out sessions!
Lastly, we have BGF. It has been over a month since we last talked, but the other day, he came over while I was getting my hair done. He wanted me to txt him, and so I did, and it was emotionally draining at first because after thinking about what I wished could happen, I had to face the fact that our friendship would not be the same. Then when he came over and it was like old times, I felt a little bit better because I knew that we could move past that incident, but there is so much more that could go along with that. We went to the movies with my sister and cousin, and I remembered how I didn't like sharing him with anyone. I also realized that the gap between us would only grow larger as I left for college. The next day I had even saw him with some girl going into his house. I felt jealous, not mostly because he was with some strange girl, but because things seemed to be going pretty well with his "love life", while mine was not going as I planned, but it was still going. But in the end, the saying is true for my relationship with BGF, "when you love something you got to let it go, but when it comes back then it means so much more". So no matter what happens, we truly do have something special.
Now, I'm only a day away from moving into my dorm, and this is a day that I have been looking forward to since I was that young and fragile girl that could only foresee dark skies. I just hate it that I'm so sad! Leaving Cleveland, I realized that I had no reason to think that my life is pathetic. I lost two friends, but got closer to others, I even found someone I was willing to give my all too. Still, though I am truly sad about moving on, I know that I will survive because I will find happiness here at Howard, somewhere. I may not find it right away, but I will realize that I am apart of something great, and things will only get better as I get out of my shell to develop the leadership skills I will need to posses to achieve the goals I have set for myself. I'm going to let myself have those days when I'm deeply sad and homesick because I'm missing my family, and my little sisters first years, but in the end, I will heal because all wounds have the potential to heal, it just takes time. So this is goodbye to high school Blackness, and what's up to Grown Up Young Gifted and Blackness!