Thursday, July 21, 2011

Hard To Explain

I'm not going to lie, I wanted to write a whole post about the boy that I'm talking to right now.  This is actually the same boy that offered to take me to prom if BGF and I didn't work out, and I was going to thank him by taking him to the movies or know, just hanging out on my dime, but turns out, I thanked him with a kiss and this new found interest in him,  You know, right before we met, I had finished reading the book Josephine, and was "crying" for weeks just thinking about how come can I never find me an Adam Morgan, and in the beginning when I met this boy, whom I will call Jay, I thought that maybe I would get a chance to show that I can be capable of being "liked", and to show that I have since changed from that scared little girl that was so afraid of showing affection for a boy that she turned down just about every opportunity to go on a date.  But turns out, I still have things to work on.  I mean, nobody really masters the art of dating because if that was so, there would be more than a handful of people in this world that stay married for the rest of their lives.  Back on subject, I will not go into detail about everything me and Jay have been up to, and don't worry, it is PG-13, but I will definitely say that he is no Adam Morgan.
Anyways, the day that I will have to arrive on the Howard University campus is less than a month away!  Orientation is on August 13th, and I will probably be leaving Cleveland on the 11th, and I am both excited, scared, and unexcited at the same time.  After all that has transpired in the past month, I'm kind of doubting how I will be accepted in college, and my abilities to leave this quiet girl persona.   BGF really put me off, but I'm not losing sleep or anything because it didn't affect me that much.  It just affected me enough to keep one eye open when I go to college because  I don't want to go through that same event ever again, especially not with someone I hold dearly. Man I wish that I could smile the way Taraji is smiling in this picture.  But I'm just not as excited as I thought I would be.
See, my first week talking to Jay was cool, but it also made me realize that my life is sad, boring, and pathetic compared to what I see my friends having.  Then I also noticed that even though I think I do have friends, none of them invite me ANYWHERE!  Not even my girl Jill, and I'm so desperate that I don't even bring it up, and I keep on letting them do that to me!  I invite my friends everywhere, well, mostly Jill because she is a fun and cool person to hang around.  Number of invitations so far, 0.  Jay has lots of friends and I hate it when he asks me when I'm doing and I have to give the same damn answer of "nothing".  I love waking up in the morning, but I just don't have the strength to get outta bed anymore.  Shoot, things have come to so much of a head that I don't get that same thrill I usually do when I'm watching a documentary!
The other thing that always comes out when a boy likes me is that I'm always doubting my ability to be someone that they would love to be around, and someone that will make them a way.  I'm not as outgoing as I can be, especially when Jill is not around.  I love laughing and having fun, but I can only do that in a select group of people.  I always feel that the boy really doesn't know what he's getting himself into when he likes me, and I sometimes feel bad for them because I feel like they deserve something better than me.  Yeah, I know, I have issues and it's hard to explain.
Anything good coming out of this whole situation?  Yeah, of course!  Out of every bad situation, some good comes out of it, and it may not be a prize, but is definitely a lesson learned.  BGF, Butterfly, Jay, France, Ana, and even Jill are teaching me things about myself without even knowing it.  And in a way, being in those very unfortunate situations has made me stronger because I'm still alive!  College will mean a new chance for new friends, ones that will care enough to invite me places, and it will mean a chance for new lessons to be learned.  So I will have to go into college with my head up high because this time, I can control how my classmates see me, and I definitely don't want them to see me the same way I see myself right now, or the same way that my classmates saw me in high school.  So, I'm scared, but I'm ready.

With Love,
Blackness PEaCE