Thursday, July 21, 2011
Hard To Explain
Anyways, the day that I will have to arrive on the Howard University campus is less than a month away! Orientation is on August 13th, and I will probably be leaving Cleveland on the 11th, and I am both excited, scared, and unexcited at the same time. After all that has transpired in the past month, I'm kind of doubting how I will be accepted in college, and my abilities to leave this quiet girl persona. BGF really put me off, but I'm not losing sleep or anything because it didn't affect me that much. It just affected me enough to keep one eye open when I go to college because I don't want to go through that same event ever again, especially not with someone I hold dearly. Man I wish that I could smile the way Taraji is smiling in this picture. But I'm just not as excited as I thought I would be.
See, my first week talking to Jay was cool, but it also made me realize that my life is sad, boring, and pathetic compared to what I see my friends having. Then I also noticed that even though I think I do have friends, none of them invite me ANYWHERE! Not even my girl Jill, and I'm so desperate that I don't even bring it up, and I keep on letting them do that to me! I invite my friends everywhere, well, mostly Jill because she is a fun and cool person to hang around. Number of invitations so far, 0. Jay has lots of friends and I hate it when he asks me when I'm doing and I have to give the same damn answer of "nothing". I love waking up in the morning, but I just don't have the strength to get outta bed anymore. Shoot, things have come to so much of a head that I don't get that same thrill I usually do when I'm watching a documentary!
The other thing that always comes out when a boy likes me is that I'm always doubting my ability to be someone that they would love to be around, and someone that will make them happy...in a way. I'm not as outgoing as I can be, especially when Jill is not around. I love laughing and having fun, but I can only do that in a select group of people. I always feel that the boy really doesn't know what he's getting himself into when he likes me, and I sometimes feel bad for them because I feel like they deserve something better than me. Yeah, I know, I have issues and it's hard to explain.
Anything good coming out of this whole situation? Yeah, of course! Out of every bad situation, some good comes out of it, and it may not be a prize, but is definitely a lesson learned. BGF, Butterfly, Jay, France, Ana, and even Jill are teaching me things about myself without even knowing it. And in a way, being in those very unfortunate situations has made me stronger because I'm still alive! College will mean a new chance for new friends, ones that will care enough to invite me places, and it will mean a chance for new lessons to be learned. So I will have to go into college with my head up high because this time, I can control how my classmates see me, and I definitely don't want them to see me the same way I see myself right now, or the same way that my classmates saw me in high school. So, I'm scared, but I'm ready.