Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Oh, and there is something magnificent that I want to share about SG! I know that I said that I would get over him months ago, but even after I did that formal goodbye, I was still liking him and he was still breaking my heart without even knowing it. So I would look for any reason I could to make me mad at him or find proof of something that would make me not want to like him. Then my feelings got worse and worse until after the prom, but just a few days ago, he just proved to me that he does not care about my feelings. Plus he has girls left and right, so I wouldn't of had a chance anyway. I just can't wait to get away from him so that I can start focusing on something real. But then again, I think that it's sad that I have to remind myself almost every hour of the day why I just can't like him, but things have gotten easier as the days have gone by.
On a more important note, I graduated last Thursday! It was the greatest day of my life, and it was surreal! I still can't believe that I graduated from the school that I had the misfortune to attend for seven years! I'd been there since sixth grade and all hell has broken loose while I was there, but now that I'm gone, I can finally put all of that mess behind me because college awaits! Now that I'm going to college, I have the ability to map out my dreams and complete them to my own disposal! Going to college, I finally have the tools that will help me become something bigger than myself; going to college I have my own responsibility to make sure that I stay on the right track and I have the responsibility to make sure that no opportunity is out of reach because of my lack of motivation! Most importantly, going to college, I have the task of finding myself, loving myself, and reforming the parts of myself that bothers me--things like my bashfulness, my timidness, the lack of confidence in my own decisions, and my fear of being a leader.
After prom, I had this confidence in me that I couldn't deny. Everywhere I went, I held my head up high and I projected my voice louder. At first I was afraid of having to be more outgoing in college, but now I see that it's not impossible! I am ready to prove those people wrong that don't think I can change, one of which is SG, but another of which is myself. I always am so hard on myself, which is in human nature, but there are some things that you as a person can help. I'm tired of being so self-conscience about myself that I don't want to go out and have fun! I want to have fun! I want to be fun! I people to want to be around me because I am fearless! I am a Howard University Bison! So that should already tell you what I am about! These past few days, I felt pathetic after what SG said to me, but I reminded myself why I was put on this Earth, and I have found myself having to do that every time the light gets dimmer. I watched documentaries about my ancestors, and I realized for the millionth time that they have sacrificed for me, and I want to continue their legacy and bring awareness to their trials. I am ready to learn just like these students pictured above, and I want to make them proud by being the Black scholar I know and they know I CAN BE! Wow, I am ready to learn and I have no excuse for not working to my fullest potential! So, goodbye teenage Blackness and hello grown Blackness! So on to the next!-*-*-*-*-*-*->
Monday, May 30, 2011
Obviously, I didn't have to take the final for Government because I had time to get ready for the prom. I went to the hair salon, shout out to Kinky, Curly, Straights!, at about 9am and didn't leave until a little after 3pm. But when I was done, I looked great even before the make-up was put on me! When I got home, I was surprised to see my escort, BGF, walking from down my driveway in his school uniform. He liked my hair, but laughed at me when I told him how long it took to get done--I know, weird, right? After getting into the house, my mother and cousin were in the kitchen getting ready for the huge gathering of people that were expected to come by and see me off to the prom. They loved my hair, but told me to eat something quick so that I could get into my dress. So I ate a sandwich and went into my room to put on my dress praying that I could breathe in it! And I could! So, my mom got started on my foundation and that's when the party was about to get started! My aunts, cousins, uncles, grandparents and family friends started pouring into the house. There were about a handful of people upstairs watching my mom's childhood friend do my make-up, and my mother kept the men at bay until I was completely finished. Then as she was doing my make-up I could tell by the look on everyone's faces that I was looking good! My mom had even cried! When she was done, I went to the mirror and looked at myself and I couldn't believe how good--how beautiful I looked! This was the first time in my life where I can honestly say that I actually saw myself as BEAUTIFUL!
When I came down the stairs, everyone began snapping pictures of me, and they were so happy at how great I looked, and when I went outside, I seemed to have gotten ambushed by the paparazzi! I had taken so many pictures that my cheeks had begun to quiver. Then I looked down the street and saw my best friend, Butterfly, getting out of the car with her mom! This was the first time since elementary school that I saw her in a dress and she looked beautiful! I was so excited upon seeing her that I almost cried, and as soon as she made it to my house, I gave her a huge hug and told her how great she looked. And of course, the flashes started again as we would take a million pictures together. Then all we were waiting for was our other friend, Jill, to come with her date, and my escort lived right across the street and I didn't understand why he wasn't already out there!
Before the other's came, the huge Hummer Limo arrived and I'm not lying when I say that it could have fit 26 people! But I'm not here to brag about that. Finally, BGF came out of his house and his mother was so excited because both she and my mom joked about this when BGF and I were in middle school and funny how it happened that way. But he just looked very--um, handsome in his suit and I blushed when I saw him with the corsage because this was my--homeboy about to place on my wrist, something that I had imagined my "Knight in shinning armor" doing, but I'm still young. We posed for a couple pictures and it's funny how the first time we were suppose to take a picture together at my 8th grade graduation, I was afraid to put my arm around him, now we were at my senior prom and we put our arms around each other this time. But we had the street on lock! No one could hardly get through because there was so many of us!
When my friend, Jill, arrived with her date, I was surprised at how short he was. So I will call him, Tiny, and I was so happy that I wasn't the only person in our little circle that had an escort. But not too long after they arrived, we finally left in the Limo and as we drove off, I was wondering what this night would bring and I was bent on being a more outgoing girl. And even though I was with BGF, I was still wondering if SG was going to be anywhere in sight.
We had arrived at the line-up at my school and I knew that it was going to be awkward because the only people that I talked to were right there in the limo with me. So I was happy to see that when we got up there a lot of their families were up there taking pictures so there was really nothing to worry about--at first. None of my family was there and Jill was so high in demand that we couldn't really even find her, but Butterfly and I were just talking about other people's dresses, which weren't that bad. Still, we were getting compliments about how classy we looked because people knew that there were going to be some people in the bunch that wore too much, or too little--Classy is just in the middle! There were boys that I remember in school, specifically a set of ignorant twins, that had even held their breaths when I walked by. I was living a dream, except for the fact that my dogs were killing me! BGF offered to give me a piggy-back ride, but what y'all gotta understand is that this sistah is Thick, wit a capitol "T" and I knew that he would probably say something to make me feel self-conscience, so I turned it down.
Then it was the moment of truth: Time For Us To Actually Go To Prom! When we got into the car, BGF sat in the back of the limo with Butterfly and they were getting along well, and Jill was talking with them. Then it was just me and Tiny, and if I'm not mistaken, he was flirting with me. He was asking me all types of things, even questions about whether BGF and I were talking. Of course BGF and I weren't talking, and we won't be anytime soon. ANYTIME SOON! Anytime SOON! ANYTIME Soon! So he was asking me do I lap dances and stuff, and if I wanted to play "truth or dare". I had forgotten what it was like to have a boy flirt with me, but I knew it when I saw it because that's how I figured that Donkey liked me when we first talked on the phone about a year ago. But I was wondering whether or not to tell SG to make his chances with me feel threatened. Yeah, I'm sly like that. We walked into the bank building and Jill began looking to see where our floor was and that's when Sgt. Robertson told us to go to the 21st floor and I was like, Oh God. I hate elevators, so when we went in, I grabbed onto BGF's arm and closed my eyes because I did not like that it was going so fast. When it was over, we walked over to a table and I just couldn't take it anymore! So I told BGF to stand a certain way so he could hide the fact that I had to peel my panties out my a$$, and he chuckled and said, "Blackness, don't you embarrass me." Then we gave them our tickets, told them our names, and took a picture doing that standard prom pose and went into the back. What I didn't expect to see were so little people, a small room, and no music! I was like, what is this?! I was so mad and embarrassed, but then I learned that this was the "cocktail hour", and they were just getting things ready for the prom room. So I stood next to BGF because he is my inside world, and my classmates were my outside world if that makes any sense. See, I consider my friends to be my inner circle, and my classmates to be nothing to me, and I was curious to see how he would be around them. But I really didn't have anything to worry about because he gets along with everyone he meets--a little too well in some areas. He and Tiny had formed a friendship and Tiny was keeping him company so I didn't really have to do anything. Then as I was talking to my girls, I saw this witch walk up to him, in whom I didn't like. And I thought she had asked him to hold her cellphone like she knew him and I got real mad. Then I saw that he was taking a picture so I was all right with that. Then her, along with he friend, whom I also didn't like, were talking and they were like, who did you come with. He said, "Blackness". "Blackness who?" They asked as if we had never had class together. Then he pointed to me. I looked out the window as if I hadn't seen or heard any of that. I was embarrassed for me, and him because he just had to go to the prom with the girl that was completely invisible. I know that sounds so pathetic, but I've always imagined myself being that prom date some boy could have pride in, and at that moment, I didn't feel that way for sure. (Yes, I do have problems.)
They finally told us it was all right to go into the other room and Jill and I went in to pick a table, and our other friend whom I'll call, Ana, picked a table close to a window. I sat next to BGF , but the sun was in my eyes. So I ended up sitting next to my girl Ana, and that's when our other friend B come over with her boyfriend and he was really nice. He sat next to me and she sat next to Butterfly. I was happy to see all the boys at our table hitting it off well while the girls talked. In the beginning, there was this weird music playing and there were people standing up taking pictures, and I was wondering why no one was dancing. So that part was pretty boring, except for when Tiny was dancing to every song and singing. Later on I learned that this was called dinner hour, and also Tiny was higher than kite but he was funny as hell.
Now the party really got started when they crowned prom king and queen. Because after that, they played the wobble. I was mad that I didn't know how to do it! So I sat down and talked to Ana, and then they played the Cupid Shuffle, and I knew how to do that vaguely. I asked BGF if he wanted to dance, but he told me that he had to go to the bathroom--I think he was lying. But I went out onto the dance floor and did the best I could in those high a$$ heels. When that song went off, I sat down because I just didn't know how to dance to the other one. Later, Tiny and BGF went onto the floor and I just started "swaying" by them because I'm stuck in the 60s when it comes to music. BGF was making fun of me, but I didn't care because it took a lot of me to actually get out onto the floor even though I can't dance to save my life, but I do have rhythm! So I was happy I was even out there!
When most of us were back at the table, I decided that it was a good time to just get our pictures taken before there was a line. So he and I were the first to go, and we just walked to this nice background that was Hollywood themed. It was really weird because we had to be really-really-really close together, but we took the picture, and I hope that it turned out well. When we came back outside, we heard the DJ playing that Charlie Wilson song that the radio plays every five minutes. Butterfly ran over to me telling me that everyone was slow dancing, and I couldn't believe it. I mean, I was imagining what my first slow dance would be like and who it would be with. I had imagined it would be to the song "Can We Talk" by Tevin Campbell, but I wanted to be surprised at who it would be with. I thought about how awkward it would be to slow dance with BGF, but I was also excited because this would be another one of the little things that I had never done with a boy to cross off my list. But for some reason, I wasn't rushing to get up there. Butterfly told me that this boy had even proposed to this girl after the song went off!--Weird But I stayed down by the picture place waiting for all my friends to be finished, and laughing at how awkward Jill and Tiny's picture looked. And by the time we got up there they were playing Usher, and I was shocked at how many people were slow dancing, and I just knew it was a matter of time before I would have to ask BGF to go up there with me. I had even pressured Jill to take Tiny up there so that I wouldn't be the only one, but sadly, the song was about to go off, so I was praying that I would get another chance. So I was stuck by my seat imagining us going up there! Damn! Now I gotta wait till college, but the boy won't know me good enough to make fun of me. He might even teach me in a cute like-you-see-on-the-movies type way!
Not too long after, it was about 10pm when we left. I was so happy that this night had went without a hitch! And I just couldn't wait to get into the limo and go home then go bowling. When we got outside, I was surprised to see this gathering of curious people in front of the limo. We hadn't been able to show off our wheels at the line-up, but they were so shocked to see that this huge Hummer Limo belonged to us. This one boy in my class even poked his head in and said, "y'all can play video games in here." I chuckled and we were off back to my house. On the way we tried to play that ten finger game, but I was too much of a good girl for it to be really fun. Then this song came on and Tiny just started touching himself in this gross way and I was just playing when I over exaggerated by doing the Heisman on him and moving away. Then he just told I'm just too much of a goody-goody, but I am mature about sexual things, but touching yourself is just weird.
We had finally arrived at my house. BGF walked back across the street to get changed. So I stayed with the others in my living room until their rides got there. We talked about Family Guy and all that. Then BGF came back in regular clothes and told me that he would keep them company while I changed. Then he ended up following me upstairs to play a joke on my sister, but I told him that her door was locked. Once I let him take off my necklace, I closed the door and put on the same outfit that I had on earlier.