Sunday, March 27, 2011
All this week, a lot of my classmates were very nervous about a Government test where we had to memorize all the presidents in order, and their years. This was the first test that I worked hard to study for because last semester, I got As on all his tests, but One, and this semester, I have yet to get an A. I studied real hard because he said that if we get a 90% in the class, we won't have to come to school on the day of prom to take the final. So if I get As on these tests, then I will definitely be at home on the last day of high school getting ready to go to prom.
Also, last week in JROTC, I skipped out on wearing my uniform in fear that I would have to lead the platoon, and I told the teacher that my shirt had mildewed. It's not like I lost points because I wore it that Thursday instead of Wednesday. This week, I wore my uniform because last week, he didn't even ask for anyone to come up to the front of the class, so I thought it might be safe to do so this week. Then this boy, whom I will call QT, came around to check everyone out. The reason why I like QT is, he's cute and all, but he's not really ignorant. He's really nice, and I'm glad that he remembers my name, even though a lot of people do, but I hate it when the teacher says, "Blackness did this", and then I see the confusion on my classmate's faces as they say, "who is Blackness?" When he came to my squad, he said that hello to my friend that was next to me, and I didn't think that he would say anything to me, and I was delighted to see that he indeed did. "What's up Blackness?" He greeted. I replied, and he checked out my uniform, and I was good, except for my socks, but good thing he didn't check that. Well, anyways, he was the platoon leader and he had to pick someone to lead, and I don't know why, but I got this feeling that he was going to choose on me. This sense of dread came over me as I saw his finger point to me, and heard my name slip from his lips. So, I walked to the front of the class, saluted QT, and did an about face, or however you spell it. I did it so well that the whole class clapped for me! I was on this high, but still very nervous because for one of the few times in my life, I was the leader! After a while, I got use to everything, and it was finally over. I was proud of myself. . .Still am! I think I was mostly proud because I had watched that documentary about the movement that went on at Howard University in the late 60s, early 70s, and I felt that it was about time that I stopped being afraid to be a leader. Those students inspired me, and I know that I will continue that honorable legacy.
Another thing that I was thinking about this week was Prom. Last Thursday, the same day I learned that I had gotten into Howard, I went prom dress shopping for the first time. It was fun, and I found my favorite dress my first time, and my friend found hers as well. So that was finished, I still didn't know what I wanted to do when it came to my date. I texted BGF to tell him the good news about college, and he was so happy for me! I felt happy texting him, until he didn't text me back as usual. Everything was going fine until I asked, "where you at?" Then all of a sudden, my phone no longer vibrated! I was mad! Then I also learned that he was staying over his grandmother's house now, and she lives about 30 minutes away. I wouldn't of known that if I wouldn't of over heard him talking about it on his phone, and at that time I didn't believe he was for real. He doesn't even text me, or call! It is as if I am no longer important enough for a visit! I mean, I know that I've done something like this to him to some extent, but I redeemed myself! I've been texting him, and I went to his football games etc, and I'm just sick of him having my hanging by a string! So, I made up my mind to take that other boy. I don't know too much about him, but I know he plays football for one of the local catholic schools, and he's tall and cute. Also, he's a senior just like me! BGF is a junior. Then I learned that his prom is the same day as mine, so I have to take BGF now. In a way, I breathed a sigh of relief because I still was a bit dubious on my decision. Still, I think I really want to get to know that other boy. I will be real sawlty if he has a girlfriend because. . .I'm going to make some real bold moves soon.
I will keep you posted.
Sunday, March 20, 2011
Anyway, early on in the week, I was really depressed because I really didn't know where I was going and I was jealous that my friend had an idea of where she was going. Howard University hadn't updated my application status yet, well it said, "sent to committee for further consideration" and Miami University was going to make me sit and wait until March 15th at midnight. Also, my Career and College Path Teacher gave us an essay to write about the Freedom Writers movie and it was suppose to be due on Friday, which was just overwhelming me.
Earlier in this week, I was also depressed because I felt that my mom was pressuring me to go to Bowling Green because at their school, I have till the end of the month to enroll and pick my choice of housing. I pleaded to her that I wanted to wait a little while longer to hear from Howard University, and she got angry at me. I mean, I know that she wants the best for me, but the decision on where I'm going to college is going to be one of the biggest decisions of my life that I have to make on my own, and I just wouldn't feel right just settling for Bowling Green. So I told her that I would wait for Howard and Bowling Green will definitely be a "plan B". (Haha plan B, Bowling Green.) So as I looked at my classmates, I felt a bit envious because some people are going to Alabama for college, even Georgia or Florida, and my mom wouldn't even let me go to Indiana! So I would just go home and go to sleep hoping that in my dreams, I would forget all of my troubles.
March 14th was going by pretty fast, and I decided to stay up till midnight to see if I had gotten into Miami because I'd rather be let down before I go to sleep because it will give me a chance to get over it in my dreams. So when that midnight hour finally came, I calmed myself, but to be honest, if I got in or not, I didn't think that I was going. Then I logged into my account and read everything looking a bit confused because I didn't understand. So, I read it from the top and I realized. . .drum roll please. . .
I was wait listed. I couldn't believe that I had basically gotten into Miami University, but I was getting nervous because if Howard didn't accept me then my only choices would be Indiana State or Bowling Green. Then, I told myself that Howard and Miami can't both reject me, and I'd been through enough rejection as it was! So, I prayed as hard as I could that I wouldn't be put through anymore heart break after the Ohio State thing.
The day after I got this ruling, I remembered that there is an appeals process that I can go through, and for a second, I thought about appealing my decision for Ohio State because I knew that I would drop everything and go there. So that day, I called O-State to see how I could go through the appeals process, and man do I regret that. The lady, she wanted to tell me why I didn't get into their school to make sure that I didn't get the same decision twice, and from what she was telling me, I didn't have a chance in hell in getting into Ohio State from the first day that I put my application in the mail! That's when I told myself that Ohio State and I weren't meant to be, and I made the decision that I will not even transfer there as I originally thought I would. I was depressed, so I went to sleep. All of a sudden, my grandmother was yelling for me to wake up because my mom was on the phone, and I wondered why. My mom told me that I got a letter from Howard University, and I began to get scared. Then I felt that it had to be something good because she wouldn't of woke me out my sleep otherwise. So as she read the letter, I learned that Howard sent my application, including the crap load of things I sent them, to a committee representing my major, which is Journalism, for further consideration. They said that most of these applicants get accepted, but the thing was, I probably wouldn't get a decision until the upcoming weeks, or late April! I was praying that I would be accepted that I would be notified before the end of April!
From the sound of my mother on the phone, she seemed satisfied with the idea that I might get into Howard University, and I couldn't believe that I might of been able to say that "I got accepted to Howard University" or even better, "I'm going to Howard University!" So I was giddy the rest of the day!
The next day, it was great, signs that Spring was coming showed as we had about a 60 degree day, and I couldn't wait to tell my friends that I might of gotten into Howard! Then my teacher made my load even lighter when she told the class that our Freedom Writers essay wasn't due till Monday! You should of saw the relief on my face, it was almost like how you feel on a hot day after you jumped into the cool pool. Then on a hunch, I decided to check my application status, as I have done everyday, to see if it might have changed in the slightest bit. I had changed. . .another drum roll please. . .
CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR ACCEPTANCE, it read! I was so excited that I yelled in the computer lab because I couldn't contain the joy within me! I couldn't believe that I got accepted into Howard University! Howard University! Howard University!
When I finally told my mom, she couldn't stop saying, "wow", and she went on calling as many people as she could to tell them that I had gotten accepted, and I didn't mind that! The sun was out that day, it was warm, and it seemed that Morning Had Come!!! I had asked God and Martin [Luther King Jr] when Morning was coming and they told me that it was coming, but didn't tell me when. I had faith that it was coming, and I didn't stop believing it for one second! Nope...I didn't. So, I have a cousin-in-law that graduated from Howard and she was so excited to hear that I got accepted. Since she and her husband stay right there in D.C. we are going to stay with them for one night so I can attend Accepted Student Day at Howard on April 8th.
Man, Blackness has been on a high ever since, and I can't help but to be happy because Howard has to be the best HBCU in the country! And I got in! Hahahahahahahahahahaha!
Morning has come!
Sunday, March 13, 2011
I am proud of the work ethic I put in this whole week, and I know that if I keep working this way, I will definitely have a 4.0 by the end of the year. If I take this ethic to college, I will become something great someday. My mom keeps getting on me about the habits that I will have to fix when I go to college, like taking care of myself, cleaning up my room, and procrastination. I am a huge procrastinator and I will admit it. My motto is, why do today what you can put off till tomorrow, and that's not good! I have missed out on a lot of sleep with this bad habit, but sometimes, it seems as if I come up with my best work when I do things at the last minute, so sometimes I purposely wait. I keep telling my mom that I will fix this by the time I get to college, but she always keeps getting on me about it right now! You know, I don't understand mothers sometimes. They tell you to say, "ok Mom, I'll do it" when you want to argue, but when you say, "okay, Mom, I'll do it", they say, "I know" in a sarcastic kind of way. What do you want me to say?!
What made this week the best is that my cousin Mr. Revolution came back to see us! He brought his little son too, and he is so cute! I really don't like little kids, and they usually don't like me, but his son actually waved back at me when I said, "hi", when normally, little kids look at me like I'm crazy. So I really like him because he's so sweet! I love my cousin because he is the only person, besides my grandparents that I can talk to about this history stuff that will listen to me straight out, respond to me, debate with me, and also educate me in return. Sometimes, I have these moments with my mom, but she kind of frustrates me. I always am eager to tell them what I learned about in Black history, and when I tell her, she either talks over me, doesn't respond, or interrupts me in the middle of my sentence. The one time that really hurt me is when I had just watched an Eyes On the Prize documentary, and I went into the kitchen to talk to her about it, and while I was talking she said, "hurry up and finish what you need to be doing so that I can get on the computer." It seems as if she listens to Mr. Revolution talk about history more than she does to me. What also makes me angry is that when I talk about the condition of Black people, she rolls her eyes or doesn't respond to me at all. Then at the end of the day, she admires my intelligence, and she brags about it when we talk to different people that have never met me, and she's impressed by it as well, though I know she hears me, I would love a response. Maybe a debate or a head nod or something so that I can know that I am heard and that I have gotten through.
During Black History Month, in the shinning moment when I put down the notecard and explained to the class some of the horrible things that happened to Black people during the early 1900s, they were moved by my testimony, and I can't explain the satisfaction that ran through my veins at the time! I knew that I had made it, and it took bravery to shoot knowledge into the heads of my classmates because that's not an easy task. I was fulfilled, and I still get that feeling every time I think about it! So, I know my calling. I know that I have to teach my young brothas and sistahs, and that is what I was put on this earth to do. I am the messenger for all those Black voices that fell silent due to racial violence, and to Black on Black crime! So look out because I'm ready to FIGHT THE POWER!
Sunday, March 6, 2011
I already explained that Miami and Howard hold my fate within their hands, and I really have no idea what I am going to do if I don't at least get into Howard University. I mean, I know that I have Bowling Green as an option, but it isn't and never has been my top choice school, it has been a safety school, but I also have Indiana State, which I know is a really good school. I have to wait until March 15th to hear from Miami University, and I have to wait around that time through early April for Howard University. So, here I go.
Next, I am trying to clean up my negative emotions because things can get real dark in that mind of mine. I am kind of depressed because I noticed that I am not working as hard as I was in the first semester, and I'm afraid that it might be senioritious. I didn't know that it could be so contagious, but I think I might of caught it when I vowed that it would never happen to me. So I have an F in one of my classes which has only brought my GPA down to a 3.33, but if I want to leave out with that final 4.0 that I can never seem to attain, I gotta push myself. This year, I strongly believe that anything is possible because if I can get honor roll, anybody can do it!
The next thing I need to get over is the fact that SG definitely is not a good candidate for prom, so instead, I am going to ask BGF. You know, BGF has been acting very funny lately, and that has really hurt me. He is not the only guy friend that I have had in my life, but he is probably the most special. He doesn't know what he means to me, and I am pretty sure that I don't know what I mean to him, even though I might have my ideas. This is one of the only friends that I can truly say that I love, and I love him deeply and I care for him deeply; he doesn't know how he affects me when we have an argument or something, or when we have a nice time, etc. etc. etc. I just care about this one. So, you can only imagine how hurt I am when I see how far apart we have drifted over the years, and he has his moments when he can get quite funny on you. Besides that, he is great.
Then there is this other boy that my mother asked me about. I never met him before, but I know that he plays football for a local school just like BGF. He is my mom's friend's nephew or something, and he said that he would be more than happy to take me to the prom if the BGF thing doesn't work out, which I think is so sweet. I mean, I think that this is so nice that I really am taking this into consideration, and if things do work out between BGF and I, I will still call him to thank him, and I will be more brave/forward and ask him to hang out sometime during the summer because I know that he is graduating this year too. BGF is graduating next year, but I have to admit that he is wise beyond his years.
With all this boy stuff, I can't help but to think about the fact that I still do not have a boyfriend, and haven't had one in about two years. It's not as hard as it sounds because being single means that you can talk to any boy you want, and you don't have to worry about a boy being down your neck about the most trivial things. After this whole thing with SG ended up with him having a girlfriend in the end, or a girl that he was interested in, I have been kind of crushed for the moment, but I'm not going to shut myself in a box over a boy that isn't even interested in me. Still, I think it was for the best because after reading a book that involved a girl and a boy really liking each other, going on a date, having that magical kiss, and then ending up making out on his couch while his parents weren't home, I realized that SG and I could NEVER do that, not anytime soon anyway. Even though this hot pursuit did not work out, I am very excited about the boy that will come and be the one, for the moment, that will make me happy, and make me feel as if I'm worth something. I don't need to rush things now, but when the time comes, the time will come.
So, time for me to get cleaning now that I have everything out in the open!