Friday, August 12, 2011
hard, and these last few days are just beyond painstaking. Now I have left my hometown and I would like to reflect on the summer.
Wayyyy back in my middle school years, I had the aspiration of going to college because it was going to be a time in my life better than what I was going through presently at my school. I was being bullied, I had no friends, and I felt so alone and I knew that when the day came for me to go to college, everything was going to be different. But the thing that I didn't foresee was that I was going to make some really awesome friends, and that there were guys out there that were actually going to be attracted to me. So now that the time has come for me to take my leave from Cleveland, and I'm beyond sad, but back in the day, I couldn't of gotten farther away from my school.
Jill, Ana, and my other friend, "B" have been great and have shown me what it feels like to have true friends. I wish I could have spent more time with them before I left, but we will see each other again during the holidays, or maybe we can even pay each other a visit at our colleges! Jill has shown me that I could be confident and fun, and I hope that our friendship will last a life time because a lot of high school friendships don't always stand the test of time. Ana and "B" are great friends as well, and I hope that we can create a tighter bond. But if it wasn't for Jill and "B" I probably wouldn't be as sad. :-(
Then you have Jay. The guy that I met at my grad party was what made this summer a lot more enjoyable. After reading Josephine, I was desperately longing for an Adam Morgan. Plus I just had been disrespected by the boy that I truly loved, in a friendly way. Meeting Jay, I didn't really get that Adam Morgan, but what I did get was someone that was different from most of the other boys I had ever met: he was respectful and gave me consistent attention, which is something that I'm not use to. See, after the whole Donkey situation, I realized that I had not been on a second date before, or that I had not hung out with a guy that I liked so much. Then Jay came around and changed all of that; he would txt me everyday, call me everyday, I could be silly around him, he invited me places, and he even came over my house where we spent many hours just talking and goofing around. On our first date at the pond, we had our first kiss, which was definitely a miss for both of us, and after that things just were not the same. He didn't call as much, and our conversations seemed to be growing more and more quiet. Then for some reason, just weeks before it was time for my departure, he decided to be how he was when we first met, and I had gotten this feeling that I was going to farther with him than I ever had with any boy. I didn't know what that meant exactly, but I had a feeling it had something to do with "de-flowering". I hadn't really thought about it, but just three or four weeks ago, I definitely was up for it, which had never happened before! I mean, every time I date a guy, or flirt with him, I'm constantly wondering if it's going to be him that I lose my virginity to, but when we start going out or whatever, I never feel it's right. But Jay, there is something about him that I can't explain. I was thinking about planning something with him, but I didn't know how to utter the words, and besides, we hadn't even had a full blown out make-out session! Then last night, it finally happened! I invited him over, and I knew that when it was time for him to leave, we would kiss like there was no tomorrow, which is exactly what happened! I was a better kisser than I thought I would be when the time came, but that's because I was in the moment! For the first time, I can actually say that I was in the moment with my eyes closed, enjoying every tender, open mouth kiss, kissing him (on the lips! nowhere else) in ways I never thought I had the nerve to do! Shoot, we did other things that I had always seen on television, things that I shall not mention. (wink-wink) But on the flip side, I'm still hopelessly a virgin. He and I decided that since this out first year in college, we shouldn't be in a committed relationship, and plus we are so far away from each other because he'll still be in ohio, and I'll be in the nation's capital. I agreed with him, but I wished that we could have at least tried something. But he suggested that we wait till maybe winter break, or summer break to see where we are. I know that it's not going to be hard for either one of us to find someone, but there is still a chance--I guess. I just still have this strong feeling that he and I will do "something" one day, but only time will tell. I just wonder if I'm on his mind after last night because he is definitely on mine, and now alls I do is daydream about everything we did last night. Because, man that had to of been the best make out session in the history of make-out sessions!
Lastly, we have BGF. It has been over a month since we last talked, but the other day, he came over while I was getting my hair done. He wanted me to txt him, and so I did, and it was emotionally draining at first because after thinking about what I wished could happen, I had to face the fact that our friendship would not be the same. Then when he came over and it was like old times, I felt a little bit better because I knew that we could move past that incident, but there is so much more that could go along with that. We went to the movies with my sister and cousin, and I remembered how I didn't like sharing him with anyone. I also realized that the gap between us would only grow larger as I left for college. The next day I had even saw him with some girl going into his house. I felt jealous, not mostly because he was with some strange girl, but because things seemed to be going pretty well with his "love life", while mine was not going as I planned, but it was still going. But in the end, the saying is true for my relationship with BGF, "when you love something you got to let it go, but when it comes back then it means so much more". So no matter what happens, we truly do have something special.
Now, I'm only a day away from moving into my dorm, and this is a day that I have been looking forward to since I was that young and fragile girl that could only foresee dark skies. I just hate it that I'm so sad! Leaving Cleveland, I realized that I had no reason to think that my life is pathetic. I lost two friends, but got closer to others, I even found someone I was willing to give my all too. Still, though I am truly sad about moving on, I know that I will survive because I will find happiness here at Howard, somewhere. I may not find it right away, but I will realize that I am apart of something great, and things will only get better as I get out of my shell to develop the leadership skills I will need to posses to achieve the goals I have set for myself. I'm going to let myself have those days when I'm deeply sad and homesick because I'm missing my family, and my little sisters first years, but in the end, I will heal because all wounds have the potential to heal, it just takes time. So this is goodbye to high school Blackness, and what's up to Grown Up Young Gifted and Blackness!
Thursday, July 21, 2011
Anyways, the day that I will have to arrive on the Howard University campus is less than a month away! Orientation is on August 13th, and I will probably be leaving Cleveland on the 11th, and I am both excited, scared, and unexcited at the same time. After all that has transpired in the past month, I'm kind of doubting how I will be accepted in college, and my abilities to leave this quiet girl persona. BGF really put me off, but I'm not losing sleep or anything because it didn't affect me that much. It just affected me enough to keep one eye open when I go to college because I don't want to go through that same event ever again, especially not with someone I hold dearly. Man I wish that I could smile the way Taraji is smiling in this picture. But I'm just not as excited as I thought I would be.
See, my first week talking to Jay was cool, but it also made me realize that my life is sad, boring, and pathetic compared to what I see my friends having. Then I also noticed that even though I think I do have friends, none of them invite me ANYWHERE! Not even my girl Jill, and I'm so desperate that I don't even bring it up, and I keep on letting them do that to me! I invite my friends everywhere, well, mostly Jill because she is a fun and cool person to hang around. Number of invitations so far, 0. Jay has lots of friends and I hate it when he asks me when I'm doing and I have to give the same damn answer of "nothing". I love waking up in the morning, but I just don't have the strength to get outta bed anymore. Shoot, things have come to so much of a head that I don't get that same thrill I usually do when I'm watching a documentary!
The other thing that always comes out when a boy likes me is that I'm always doubting my ability to be someone that they would love to be around, and someone that will make them happy...in a way. I'm not as outgoing as I can be, especially when Jill is not around. I love laughing and having fun, but I can only do that in a select group of people. I always feel that the boy really doesn't know what he's getting himself into when he likes me, and I sometimes feel bad for them because I feel like they deserve something better than me. Yeah, I know, I have issues and it's hard to explain.
Anything good coming out of this whole situation? Yeah, of course! Out of every bad situation, some good comes out of it, and it may not be a prize, but is definitely a lesson learned. BGF, Butterfly, Jay, France, Ana, and even Jill are teaching me things about myself without even knowing it. And in a way, being in those very unfortunate situations has made me stronger because I'm still alive! College will mean a new chance for new friends, ones that will care enough to invite me places, and it will mean a chance for new lessons to be learned. So I will have to go into college with my head up high because this time, I can control how my classmates see me, and I definitely don't want them to see me the same way I see myself right now, or the same way that my classmates saw me in high school. So, I'm scared, but I'm ready.
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Oh, and there is something magnificent that I want to share about SG! I know that I said that I would get over him months ago, but even after I did that formal goodbye, I was still liking him and he was still breaking my heart without even knowing it. So I would look for any reason I could to make me mad at him or find proof of something that would make me not want to like him. Then my feelings got worse and worse until after the prom, but just a few days ago, he just proved to me that he does not care about my feelings. Plus he has girls left and right, so I wouldn't of had a chance anyway. I just can't wait to get away from him so that I can start focusing on something real. But then again, I think that it's sad that I have to remind myself almost every hour of the day why I just can't like him, but things have gotten easier as the days have gone by.
On a more important note, I graduated last Thursday! It was the greatest day of my life, and it was surreal! I still can't believe that I graduated from the school that I had the misfortune to attend for seven years! I'd been there since sixth grade and all hell has broken loose while I was there, but now that I'm gone, I can finally put all of that mess behind me because college awaits! Now that I'm going to college, I have the ability to map out my dreams and complete them to my own disposal! Going to college, I finally have the tools that will help me become something bigger than myself; going to college I have my own responsibility to make sure that I stay on the right track and I have the responsibility to make sure that no opportunity is out of reach because of my lack of motivation! Most importantly, going to college, I have the task of finding myself, loving myself, and reforming the parts of myself that bothers me--things like my bashfulness, my timidness, the lack of confidence in my own decisions, and my fear of being a leader.
After prom, I had this confidence in me that I couldn't deny. Everywhere I went, I held my head up high and I projected my voice louder. At first I was afraid of having to be more outgoing in college, but now I see that it's not impossible! I am ready to prove those people wrong that don't think I can change, one of which is SG, but another of which is myself. I always am so hard on myself, which is in human nature, but there are some things that you as a person can help. I'm tired of being so self-conscience about myself that I don't want to go out and have fun! I want to have fun! I want to be fun! I people to want to be around me because I am fearless! I am a Howard University Bison! So that should already tell you what I am about! These past few days, I felt pathetic after what SG said to me, but I reminded myself why I was put on this Earth, and I have found myself having to do that every time the light gets dimmer. I watched documentaries about my ancestors, and I realized for the millionth time that they have sacrificed for me, and I want to continue their legacy and bring awareness to their trials. I am ready to learn just like these students pictured above, and I want to make them proud by being the Black scholar I know and they know I CAN BE! Wow, I am ready to learn and I have no excuse for not working to my fullest potential! So, goodbye teenage Blackness and hello grown Blackness! So on to the next!-*-*-*-*-*-*->
Monday, May 30, 2011
Obviously, I didn't have to take the final for Government because I had time to get ready for the prom. I went to the hair salon, shout out to Kinky, Curly, Straights!, at about 9am and didn't leave until a little after 3pm. But when I was done, I looked great even before the make-up was put on me! When I got home, I was surprised to see my escort, BGF, walking from down my driveway in his school uniform. He liked my hair, but laughed at me when I told him how long it took to get done--I know, weird, right? After getting into the house, my mother and cousin were in the kitchen getting ready for the huge gathering of people that were expected to come by and see me off to the prom. They loved my hair, but told me to eat something quick so that I could get into my dress. So I ate a sandwich and went into my room to put on my dress praying that I could breathe in it! And I could! So, my mom got started on my foundation and that's when the party was about to get started! My aunts, cousins, uncles, grandparents and family friends started pouring into the house. There were about a handful of people upstairs watching my mom's childhood friend do my make-up, and my mother kept the men at bay until I was completely finished. Then as she was doing my make-up I could tell by the look on everyone's faces that I was looking good! My mom had even cried! When she was done, I went to the mirror and looked at myself and I couldn't believe how good--how beautiful I looked! This was the first time in my life where I can honestly say that I actually saw myself as BEAUTIFUL!
When I came down the stairs, everyone began snapping pictures of me, and they were so happy at how great I looked, and when I went outside, I seemed to have gotten ambushed by the paparazzi! I had taken so many pictures that my cheeks had begun to quiver. Then I looked down the street and saw my best friend, Butterfly, getting out of the car with her mom! This was the first time since elementary school that I saw her in a dress and she looked beautiful! I was so excited upon seeing her that I almost cried, and as soon as she made it to my house, I gave her a huge hug and told her how great she looked. And of course, the flashes started again as we would take a million pictures together. Then all we were waiting for was our other friend, Jill, to come with her date, and my escort lived right across the street and I didn't understand why he wasn't already out there!
Before the other's came, the huge Hummer Limo arrived and I'm not lying when I say that it could have fit 26 people! But I'm not here to brag about that. Finally, BGF came out of his house and his mother was so excited because both she and my mom joked about this when BGF and I were in middle school and funny how it happened that way. But he just looked very--um, handsome in his suit and I blushed when I saw him with the corsage because this was my--homeboy about to place on my wrist, something that I had imagined my "Knight in shinning armor" doing, but I'm still young. We posed for a couple pictures and it's funny how the first time we were suppose to take a picture together at my 8th grade graduation, I was afraid to put my arm around him, now we were at my senior prom and we put our arms around each other this time. But we had the street on lock! No one could hardly get through because there was so many of us!
When my friend, Jill, arrived with her date, I was surprised at how short he was. So I will call him, Tiny, and I was so happy that I wasn't the only person in our little circle that had an escort. But not too long after they arrived, we finally left in the Limo and as we drove off, I was wondering what this night would bring and I was bent on being a more outgoing girl. And even though I was with BGF, I was still wondering if SG was going to be anywhere in sight.
We had arrived at the line-up at my school and I knew that it was going to be awkward because the only people that I talked to were right there in the limo with me. So I was happy to see that when we got up there a lot of their families were up there taking pictures so there was really nothing to worry about--at first. None of my family was there and Jill was so high in demand that we couldn't really even find her, but Butterfly and I were just talking about other people's dresses, which weren't that bad. Still, we were getting compliments about how classy we looked because people knew that there were going to be some people in the bunch that wore too much, or too little--Classy is just in the middle! There were boys that I remember in school, specifically a set of ignorant twins, that had even held their breaths when I walked by. I was living a dream, except for the fact that my dogs were killing me! BGF offered to give me a piggy-back ride, but what y'all gotta understand is that this sistah is Thick, wit a capitol "T" and I knew that he would probably say something to make me feel self-conscience, so I turned it down.
Then it was the moment of truth: Time For Us To Actually Go To Prom! When we got into the car, BGF sat in the back of the limo with Butterfly and they were getting along well, and Jill was talking with them. Then it was just me and Tiny, and if I'm not mistaken, he was flirting with me. He was asking me all types of things, even questions about whether BGF and I were talking. Of course BGF and I weren't talking, and we won't be anytime soon. ANYTIME SOON! Anytime SOON! ANYTIME Soon! So he was asking me do I lap dances and stuff, and if I wanted to play "truth or dare". I had forgotten what it was like to have a boy flirt with me, but I knew it when I saw it because that's how I figured that Donkey liked me when we first talked on the phone about a year ago. But I was wondering whether or not to tell SG to make his chances with me feel threatened. Yeah, I'm sly like that. We walked into the bank building and Jill began looking to see where our floor was and that's when Sgt. Robertson told us to go to the 21st floor and I was like, Oh God. I hate elevators, so when we went in, I grabbed onto BGF's arm and closed my eyes because I did not like that it was going so fast. When it was over, we walked over to a table and I just couldn't take it anymore! So I told BGF to stand a certain way so he could hide the fact that I had to peel my panties out my a$$, and he chuckled and said, "Blackness, don't you embarrass me." Then we gave them our tickets, told them our names, and took a picture doing that standard prom pose and went into the back. What I didn't expect to see were so little people, a small room, and no music! I was like, what is this?! I was so mad and embarrassed, but then I learned that this was the "cocktail hour", and they were just getting things ready for the prom room. So I stood next to BGF because he is my inside world, and my classmates were my outside world if that makes any sense. See, I consider my friends to be my inner circle, and my classmates to be nothing to me, and I was curious to see how he would be around them. But I really didn't have anything to worry about because he gets along with everyone he meets--a little too well in some areas. He and Tiny had formed a friendship and Tiny was keeping him company so I didn't really have to do anything. Then as I was talking to my girls, I saw this witch walk up to him, in whom I didn't like. And I thought she had asked him to hold her cellphone like she knew him and I got real mad. Then I saw that he was taking a picture so I was all right with that. Then her, along with he friend, whom I also didn't like, were talking and they were like, who did you come with. He said, "Blackness". "Blackness who?" They asked as if we had never had class together. Then he pointed to me. I looked out the window as if I hadn't seen or heard any of that. I was embarrassed for me, and him because he just had to go to the prom with the girl that was completely invisible. I know that sounds so pathetic, but I've always imagined myself being that prom date some boy could have pride in, and at that moment, I didn't feel that way for sure. (Yes, I do have problems.)
They finally told us it was all right to go into the other room and Jill and I went in to pick a table, and our other friend whom I'll call, Ana, picked a table close to a window. I sat next to BGF , but the sun was in my eyes. So I ended up sitting next to my girl Ana, and that's when our other friend B come over with her boyfriend and he was really nice. He sat next to me and she sat next to Butterfly. I was happy to see all the boys at our table hitting it off well while the girls talked. In the beginning, there was this weird music playing and there were people standing up taking pictures, and I was wondering why no one was dancing. So that part was pretty boring, except for when Tiny was dancing to every song and singing. Later on I learned that this was called dinner hour, and also Tiny was higher than kite but he was funny as hell.
Now the party really got started when they crowned prom king and queen. Because after that, they played the wobble. I was mad that I didn't know how to do it! So I sat down and talked to Ana, and then they played the Cupid Shuffle, and I knew how to do that vaguely. I asked BGF if he wanted to dance, but he told me that he had to go to the bathroom--I think he was lying. But I went out onto the dance floor and did the best I could in those high a$$ heels. When that song went off, I sat down because I just didn't know how to dance to the other one. Later, Tiny and BGF went onto the floor and I just started "swaying" by them because I'm stuck in the 60s when it comes to music. BGF was making fun of me, but I didn't care because it took a lot of me to actually get out onto the floor even though I can't dance to save my life, but I do have rhythm! So I was happy I was even out there!
When most of us were back at the table, I decided that it was a good time to just get our pictures taken before there was a line. So he and I were the first to go, and we just walked to this nice background that was Hollywood themed. It was really weird because we had to be really-really-really close together, but we took the picture, and I hope that it turned out well. When we came back outside, we heard the DJ playing that Charlie Wilson song that the radio plays every five minutes. Butterfly ran over to me telling me that everyone was slow dancing, and I couldn't believe it. I mean, I was imagining what my first slow dance would be like and who it would be with. I had imagined it would be to the song "Can We Talk" by Tevin Campbell, but I wanted to be surprised at who it would be with. I thought about how awkward it would be to slow dance with BGF, but I was also excited because this would be another one of the little things that I had never done with a boy to cross off my list. But for some reason, I wasn't rushing to get up there. Butterfly told me that this boy had even proposed to this girl after the song went off!--Weird But I stayed down by the picture place waiting for all my friends to be finished, and laughing at how awkward Jill and Tiny's picture looked. And by the time we got up there they were playing Usher, and I was shocked at how many people were slow dancing, and I just knew it was a matter of time before I would have to ask BGF to go up there with me. I had even pressured Jill to take Tiny up there so that I wouldn't be the only one, but sadly, the song was about to go off, so I was praying that I would get another chance. So I was stuck by my seat imagining us going up there! Damn! Now I gotta wait till college, but the boy won't know me good enough to make fun of me. He might even teach me in a cute like-you-see-on-the-movies type way!
Not too long after, it was about 10pm when we left. I was so happy that this night had went without a hitch! And I just couldn't wait to get into the limo and go home then go bowling. When we got outside, I was surprised to see this gathering of curious people in front of the limo. We hadn't been able to show off our wheels at the line-up, but they were so shocked to see that this huge Hummer Limo belonged to us. This one boy in my class even poked his head in and said, "y'all can play video games in here." I chuckled and we were off back to my house. On the way we tried to play that ten finger game, but I was too much of a good girl for it to be really fun. Then this song came on and Tiny just started touching himself in this gross way and I was just playing when I over exaggerated by doing the Heisman on him and moving away. Then he just told I'm just too much of a goody-goody, but I am mature about sexual things, but touching yourself is just weird.
We had finally arrived at my house. BGF walked back across the street to get changed. So I stayed with the others in my living room until their rides got there. We talked about Family Guy and all that. Then BGF came back in regular clothes and told me that he would keep them company while I changed. Then he ended up following me upstairs to play a joke on my sister, but I told him that her door was locked. Once I let him take off my necklace, I closed the door and put on the same outfit that I had on earlier.
Monday, April 25, 2011
This whole spring break, I was depressed because I was still thinking about SG, and I decided that I was to implement a revenge plan. See, when a crush backfires, I go through these stages:
- Sadness because we didn't work out
- Anger because he choose someone else over me
- Depression because we seemed so perfect, but it just didn't work out
- Contentment because I'm starting to get over him
- Revenge. I want to get revenge on him by showing him what he missed out on, which always works. I do this by looking especially cute on a day when I know I'm going to see him
- Happiness because I got him back, and now I'm really going to move on
"Now if you feel that you can't go on
Because all of your hope it gone
And your life is filled with much confusion
Until happiness is just an allusion
And your world around is crumbling down, darling
Reach out! (Come on girl, reach on out for me!)
Reach out! (Reach out for me!)
I'll be there
With a love the will shelter you
I'll be there
To always see you through"
Watching The Four Tops dance and sing, I began to tear up because that song had come into my life just at the right moment. I have been aware of that song for a few years now, but Lord knows that Blackness NEEDED that song! I also began to cry because I know this may sound crazy, but I'm almost obsessed with wishing that I was living during the civil rights movement! I write stories about it, I read books about it, I watch documentaries about it, I watch movies about it, and the most powerful, I listen to music from that period. I have no idea why I'm so engrossed in this time period, but I really do like escaping the realities in my life for a moment to travel to another period in time. This spring break, I needed it more than ever because I was letting this stupid boy get to me. Then after praying, and letting all my frustrations out in my diary, something amazing happened!
All right, just so you know, I've been having these dreams about SG every night. In these dreams, I'm longing for him so bad that I wake up angry and depressed! In all of these dreams, he's flaunting some girl in front of me, and I just want to kill 'em, or he's there with me, but ignoring me. Saturday night, I wanted to have a dream where I was in the 50s, but this dream wasn't bad either. SG was having a party in his house, and I and my sister went over there. I did want his attention at first, but I just said, "what the heck" and wandered into another room without even thinking about him. That's when one of his friends, whom I think my mind made up, came over and started flirting with me! So, in this dream, I didn't want SG, I wanted somebody else! I woke up with a smile on my face! I was so happy that I dropped the whole revenge plan, but I wore a nice shirt for Easter. I had to go over BGFs house and I just picked out on the nearest pair of shoes I could find. I went over and took his mother the lemon cake she ordered from Honey Baked Ham, and talked to her for a minute. Then she told me that BGF would be happy to see me, which truly sent shockwaves through me.
I walked over to his room and knocked on the door, and he told me to come in. He was lying on his bed watching TV and what do you know, he was happy to see me! We talked for a long time, and it was pretty nice. It made me feel more optimistic about going to prom with him, but I had to let him know that Blackness was bout to go Carlton [Banks] on 'em at prom. So, I was in his room for about a half hour just talking and catching up, and it was great. He was telling me that me coming to see him was like a dream, but I told him, "it would be dream if you texted me!" Hahahahahahahaha! Got 'em! I was proud of myself for real! It felt great to say everything I wanted to say when I wanted to say it! I loved it! Then today is when I got my first call from him since December! So you know I felt good!
School starts tomorrow, and I will have you filled in on everything else when the time comes. I can't believe that I have less than a month to prom, and about that time till graduation! Funny how time flies!
Now, I am going to share the wealth with you. Here is the video that someone made for "Reach Out, I'll Be There" by The Four Tops! Hope you will be inspired just as I was!
Sunday, March 27, 2011
All this week, a lot of my classmates were very nervous about a Government test where we had to memorize all the presidents in order, and their years. This was the first test that I worked hard to study for because last semester, I got As on all his tests, but One, and this semester, I have yet to get an A. I studied real hard because he said that if we get a 90% in the class, we won't have to come to school on the day of prom to take the final. So if I get As on these tests, then I will definitely be at home on the last day of high school getting ready to go to prom.
Also, last week in JROTC, I skipped out on wearing my uniform in fear that I would have to lead the platoon, and I told the teacher that my shirt had mildewed. It's not like I lost points because I wore it that Thursday instead of Wednesday. This week, I wore my uniform because last week, he didn't even ask for anyone to come up to the front of the class, so I thought it might be safe to do so this week. Then this boy, whom I will call QT, came around to check everyone out. The reason why I like QT is, he's cute and all, but he's not really ignorant. He's really nice, and I'm glad that he remembers my name, even though a lot of people do, but I hate it when the teacher says, "Blackness did this", and then I see the confusion on my classmate's faces as they say, "who is Blackness?" When he came to my squad, he said that hello to my friend that was next to me, and I didn't think that he would say anything to me, and I was delighted to see that he indeed did. "What's up Blackness?" He greeted. I replied, and he checked out my uniform, and I was good, except for my socks, but good thing he didn't check that. Well, anyways, he was the platoon leader and he had to pick someone to lead, and I don't know why, but I got this feeling that he was going to choose on me. This sense of dread came over me as I saw his finger point to me, and heard my name slip from his lips. So, I walked to the front of the class, saluted QT, and did an about face, or however you spell it. I did it so well that the whole class clapped for me! I was on this high, but still very nervous because for one of the few times in my life, I was the leader! After a while, I got use to everything, and it was finally over. I was proud of myself. . .Still am! I think I was mostly proud because I had watched that documentary about the movement that went on at Howard University in the late 60s, early 70s, and I felt that it was about time that I stopped being afraid to be a leader. Those students inspired me, and I know that I will continue that honorable legacy.
Another thing that I was thinking about this week was Prom. Last Thursday, the same day I learned that I had gotten into Howard, I went prom dress shopping for the first time. It was fun, and I found my favorite dress my first time, and my friend found hers as well. So that was finished, I still didn't know what I wanted to do when it came to my date. I texted BGF to tell him the good news about college, and he was so happy for me! I felt happy texting him, until he didn't text me back as usual. Everything was going fine until I asked, "where you at?" Then all of a sudden, my phone no longer vibrated! I was mad! Then I also learned that he was staying over his grandmother's house now, and she lives about 30 minutes away. I wouldn't of known that if I wouldn't of over heard him talking about it on his phone, and at that time I didn't believe he was for real. He doesn't even text me, or call! It is as if I am no longer important enough for a visit! I mean, I know that I've done something like this to him to some extent, but I redeemed myself! I've been texting him, and I went to his football games etc, and I'm just sick of him having my hanging by a string! So, I made up my mind to take that other boy. I don't know too much about him, but I know he plays football for one of the local catholic schools, and he's tall and cute. Also, he's a senior just like me! BGF is a junior. Then I learned that his prom is the same day as mine, so I have to take BGF now. In a way, I breathed a sigh of relief because I still was a bit dubious on my decision. Still, I think I really want to get to know that other boy. I will be real sawlty if he has a girlfriend because. . .I'm going to make some real bold moves soon.
I will keep you posted.
Sunday, March 20, 2011
Anyway, early on in the week, I was really depressed because I really didn't know where I was going and I was jealous that my friend had an idea of where she was going. Howard University hadn't updated my application status yet, well it said, "sent to committee for further consideration" and Miami University was going to make me sit and wait until March 15th at midnight. Also, my Career and College Path Teacher gave us an essay to write about the Freedom Writers movie and it was suppose to be due on Friday, which was just overwhelming me.
Earlier in this week, I was also depressed because I felt that my mom was pressuring me to go to Bowling Green because at their school, I have till the end of the month to enroll and pick my choice of housing. I pleaded to her that I wanted to wait a little while longer to hear from Howard University, and she got angry at me. I mean, I know that she wants the best for me, but the decision on where I'm going to college is going to be one of the biggest decisions of my life that I have to make on my own, and I just wouldn't feel right just settling for Bowling Green. So I told her that I would wait for Howard and Bowling Green will definitely be a "plan B". (Haha plan B, Bowling Green.) So as I looked at my classmates, I felt a bit envious because some people are going to Alabama for college, even Georgia or Florida, and my mom wouldn't even let me go to Indiana! So I would just go home and go to sleep hoping that in my dreams, I would forget all of my troubles.
March 14th was going by pretty fast, and I decided to stay up till midnight to see if I had gotten into Miami because I'd rather be let down before I go to sleep because it will give me a chance to get over it in my dreams. So when that midnight hour finally came, I calmed myself, but to be honest, if I got in or not, I didn't think that I was going. Then I logged into my account and read everything looking a bit confused because I didn't understand. So, I read it from the top and I realized. . .drum roll please. . .
I was wait listed. I couldn't believe that I had basically gotten into Miami University, but I was getting nervous because if Howard didn't accept me then my only choices would be Indiana State or Bowling Green. Then, I told myself that Howard and Miami can't both reject me, and I'd been through enough rejection as it was! So, I prayed as hard as I could that I wouldn't be put through anymore heart break after the Ohio State thing.
The day after I got this ruling, I remembered that there is an appeals process that I can go through, and for a second, I thought about appealing my decision for Ohio State because I knew that I would drop everything and go there. So that day, I called O-State to see how I could go through the appeals process, and man do I regret that. The lady, she wanted to tell me why I didn't get into their school to make sure that I didn't get the same decision twice, and from what she was telling me, I didn't have a chance in hell in getting into Ohio State from the first day that I put my application in the mail! That's when I told myself that Ohio State and I weren't meant to be, and I made the decision that I will not even transfer there as I originally thought I would. I was depressed, so I went to sleep. All of a sudden, my grandmother was yelling for me to wake up because my mom was on the phone, and I wondered why. My mom told me that I got a letter from Howard University, and I began to get scared. Then I felt that it had to be something good because she wouldn't of woke me out my sleep otherwise. So as she read the letter, I learned that Howard sent my application, including the crap load of things I sent them, to a committee representing my major, which is Journalism, for further consideration. They said that most of these applicants get accepted, but the thing was, I probably wouldn't get a decision until the upcoming weeks, or late April! I was praying that I would be accepted that I would be notified before the end of April!
From the sound of my mother on the phone, she seemed satisfied with the idea that I might get into Howard University, and I couldn't believe that I might of been able to say that "I got accepted to Howard University" or even better, "I'm going to Howard University!" So I was giddy the rest of the day!
The next day, it was great, signs that Spring was coming showed as we had about a 60 degree day, and I couldn't wait to tell my friends that I might of gotten into Howard! Then my teacher made my load even lighter when she told the class that our Freedom Writers essay wasn't due till Monday! You should of saw the relief on my face, it was almost like how you feel on a hot day after you jumped into the cool pool. Then on a hunch, I decided to check my application status, as I have done everyday, to see if it might have changed in the slightest bit. I had changed. . .another drum roll please. . .
CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR ACCEPTANCE, it read! I was so excited that I yelled in the computer lab because I couldn't contain the joy within me! I couldn't believe that I got accepted into Howard University! Howard University! Howard University!
When I finally told my mom, she couldn't stop saying, "wow", and she went on calling as many people as she could to tell them that I had gotten accepted, and I didn't mind that! The sun was out that day, it was warm, and it seemed that Morning Had Come!!! I had asked God and Martin [Luther King Jr] when Morning was coming and they told me that it was coming, but didn't tell me when. I had faith that it was coming, and I didn't stop believing it for one second! Nope...I didn't. So, I have a cousin-in-law that graduated from Howard and she was so excited to hear that I got accepted. Since she and her husband stay right there in D.C. we are going to stay with them for one night so I can attend Accepted Student Day at Howard on April 8th.
Man, Blackness has been on a high ever since, and I can't help but to be happy because Howard has to be the best HBCU in the country! And I got in! Hahahahahahahahahahaha!
Morning has come!
Sunday, March 13, 2011
I am proud of the work ethic I put in this whole week, and I know that if I keep working this way, I will definitely have a 4.0 by the end of the year. If I take this ethic to college, I will become something great someday. My mom keeps getting on me about the habits that I will have to fix when I go to college, like taking care of myself, cleaning up my room, and procrastination. I am a huge procrastinator and I will admit it. My motto is, why do today what you can put off till tomorrow, and that's not good! I have missed out on a lot of sleep with this bad habit, but sometimes, it seems as if I come up with my best work when I do things at the last minute, so sometimes I purposely wait. I keep telling my mom that I will fix this by the time I get to college, but she always keeps getting on me about it right now! You know, I don't understand mothers sometimes. They tell you to say, "ok Mom, I'll do it" when you want to argue, but when you say, "okay, Mom, I'll do it", they say, "I know" in a sarcastic kind of way. What do you want me to say?!
What made this week the best is that my cousin Mr. Revolution came back to see us! He brought his little son too, and he is so cute! I really don't like little kids, and they usually don't like me, but his son actually waved back at me when I said, "hi", when normally, little kids look at me like I'm crazy. So I really like him because he's so sweet! I love my cousin because he is the only person, besides my grandparents that I can talk to about this history stuff that will listen to me straight out, respond to me, debate with me, and also educate me in return. Sometimes, I have these moments with my mom, but she kind of frustrates me. I always am eager to tell them what I learned about in Black history, and when I tell her, she either talks over me, doesn't respond, or interrupts me in the middle of my sentence. The one time that really hurt me is when I had just watched an Eyes On the Prize documentary, and I went into the kitchen to talk to her about it, and while I was talking she said, "hurry up and finish what you need to be doing so that I can get on the computer." It seems as if she listens to Mr. Revolution talk about history more than she does to me. What also makes me angry is that when I talk about the condition of Black people, she rolls her eyes or doesn't respond to me at all. Then at the end of the day, she admires my intelligence, and she brags about it when we talk to different people that have never met me, and she's impressed by it as well, though I know she hears me, I would love a response. Maybe a debate or a head nod or something so that I can know that I am heard and that I have gotten through.
During Black History Month, in the shinning moment when I put down the notecard and explained to the class some of the horrible things that happened to Black people during the early 1900s, they were moved by my testimony, and I can't explain the satisfaction that ran through my veins at the time! I knew that I had made it, and it took bravery to shoot knowledge into the heads of my classmates because that's not an easy task. I was fulfilled, and I still get that feeling every time I think about it! So, I know my calling. I know that I have to teach my young brothas and sistahs, and that is what I was put on this earth to do. I am the messenger for all those Black voices that fell silent due to racial violence, and to Black on Black crime! So look out because I'm ready to FIGHT THE POWER!
Sunday, March 6, 2011
I already explained that Miami and Howard hold my fate within their hands, and I really have no idea what I am going to do if I don't at least get into Howard University. I mean, I know that I have Bowling Green as an option, but it isn't and never has been my top choice school, it has been a safety school, but I also have Indiana State, which I know is a really good school. I have to wait until March 15th to hear from Miami University, and I have to wait around that time through early April for Howard University. So, here I go.
Next, I am trying to clean up my negative emotions because things can get real dark in that mind of mine. I am kind of depressed because I noticed that I am not working as hard as I was in the first semester, and I'm afraid that it might be senioritious. I didn't know that it could be so contagious, but I think I might of caught it when I vowed that it would never happen to me. So I have an F in one of my classes which has only brought my GPA down to a 3.33, but if I want to leave out with that final 4.0 that I can never seem to attain, I gotta push myself. This year, I strongly believe that anything is possible because if I can get honor roll, anybody can do it!
The next thing I need to get over is the fact that SG definitely is not a good candidate for prom, so instead, I am going to ask BGF. You know, BGF has been acting very funny lately, and that has really hurt me. He is not the only guy friend that I have had in my life, but he is probably the most special. He doesn't know what he means to me, and I am pretty sure that I don't know what I mean to him, even though I might have my ideas. This is one of the only friends that I can truly say that I love, and I love him deeply and I care for him deeply; he doesn't know how he affects me when we have an argument or something, or when we have a nice time, etc. etc. etc. I just care about this one. So, you can only imagine how hurt I am when I see how far apart we have drifted over the years, and he has his moments when he can get quite funny on you. Besides that, he is great.
Then there is this other boy that my mother asked me about. I never met him before, but I know that he plays football for a local school just like BGF. He is my mom's friend's nephew or something, and he said that he would be more than happy to take me to the prom if the BGF thing doesn't work out, which I think is so sweet. I mean, I think that this is so nice that I really am taking this into consideration, and if things do work out between BGF and I, I will still call him to thank him, and I will be more brave/forward and ask him to hang out sometime during the summer because I know that he is graduating this year too. BGF is graduating next year, but I have to admit that he is wise beyond his years.
With all this boy stuff, I can't help but to think about the fact that I still do not have a boyfriend, and haven't had one in about two years. It's not as hard as it sounds because being single means that you can talk to any boy you want, and you don't have to worry about a boy being down your neck about the most trivial things. After this whole thing with SG ended up with him having a girlfriend in the end, or a girl that he was interested in, I have been kind of crushed for the moment, but I'm not going to shut myself in a box over a boy that isn't even interested in me. Still, I think it was for the best because after reading a book that involved a girl and a boy really liking each other, going on a date, having that magical kiss, and then ending up making out on his couch while his parents weren't home, I realized that SG and I could NEVER do that, not anytime soon anyway. Even though this hot pursuit did not work out, I am very excited about the boy that will come and be the one, for the moment, that will make me happy, and make me feel as if I'm worth something. I don't need to rush things now, but when the time comes, the time will come.
So, time for me to get cleaning now that I have everything out in the open!
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Spring is almost here! And the weather usually gets better in Cleveland around April and May, and I just can't wait till my graduation arrives so that I can get the heck out of this school, and the only way I will come back is if they want me to speak to those good for nothing kids because I will be some inspirational leader, whom will travel the country to speak to teens that live in inner cities. Most importantly, this week, I finished my final college application and I also turned in my required materials for this final school. So I now have to wait for Miami University and Howard University. Miami will contact me on March 15th, and Howard, I don't know when. So, my future is riding on these two schools.
With this, I've been keeping a close eye on Howard University, and I am fairly impressed with the school, and the mentality of the students there. It seems like this is one of the only HBCUs that are doing great, but I still have to go to DC and see for myself. So, we will see. But what really gives Howard an edge is the fact that not only do they have a chapter of the National Association of Black Journalists, but they also do the alternative spring breaks in the locations that I feel I want to go to the most. I feel that I have to "pilgrimage" to Chicago where Derrion Albert, and Blair Holt, among others were killed so that I can immerse myself in the community struggles, and so that I can see if there is anything I can do to help with the problems happening there. I know that every school has their alternative spring breaks, but Howard hit the right nerve at the right time and that is why I might pick them over Miami University if the visit goes well.
Now what Miami really has in its favor is the location. Oxford OH is only a little over 4 hours away from Cleveland, and DC is about 6 hours or more away. Also, Miami is a really good school, but what kind is of making me ify is the fact that they do not have a NABJ, and I need to be involved in that organization because I have to do that program where they allow the students to do a type of internship so they can really get newsroom experience, and I HAVE to meet Roland Martin. Roland has to be one of my favorite journalists, if not my favorite You can catch his show Washington Watch on Sundays on TV One. I also am a huge fan of Soledad O'brien, forgive me if I spelled her name wrong, if you haven't checked out any Black In America specials, then I will tell you that it is a must see for every American. Also I like Don Lemon, and you can catch him on CNN Newsroom. Lastly, I am a fan of Jeff Johnson and that guy is all over the place, proud to say that he's from Cleveland!
So I still have my goals set high for myself and no matter where I go to school, I know that I will be able to accomplish the goals that I have intended to get done before I die. So, as I struggle through the many things that teens my age got through in terms of self esteem issues, I know that underneath all my pain is a strong young girl ready for the world, ready to bloom into a young woman who knows that nothing is impossible and every dream she has is attainable.
Sunday, February 6, 2011
Then in the 1970s, Black History Month was born and is still celebrated to this day in America and Canada.
I love Black History Month because it's one of the only times of the year when I get to write essays and share my knowledge with others that I normally don't talk to. I don't talk to that many people at my school because Blackness is on a whole other level, one of which that they cannot touch, and I really do not feel that I have to talk to them. Still, I feel that I owe it to my ancestors to put those differences aside to share my knowledge with people that would otherwise not know anything about it. So I try my best to write and make little movies about these things so that I can make an impact on someone that I must of misjudged.
I also take a step over them and I try to demonstrate my pride in many other ways. For instance, last year, the director of my school allowed me to wear a dashiki for Black history Month, and I wore it on Fridays because I only had about three of them. Many people turned their heads, pointed fingers, laughed, and others took intrigue. So I actually expected that kind of reaction because there are too many Black people ignorant to their history. At first, I started to feel really bad about it, and I wasn't looking forward to school anymore, but I continued on, answered any questions, and answered ignorance with the strong pride that brewed within myself, something that I was proud and surprised by.
This year, we had a new director, and I was a bit doubtful about whether or not he was going to allow me to to wear it, and I was surprised when he said that I could. This year, I have real Dashikis and I can't wait to wear them this Friday with my Afro and big earrings. I missed this Friday due to a family tragedy, but you know that next week, I'm going to be on it! So I can't wait to get that together.
Also, I have two movies that I will show my class this month; one is about the Black Panther Party of the 70s, and the other one is about how we have forgotten the struggle to the music of Heaven Help Us All.
So you know that I will be hard at work trying to inspire the hopeless, the clueless, and the ignorant. Why do I do it? I don't know. Why did Martin Luther King try to compromise with racist white people?
See, no matter how many people tell you that it's dead, Black History Month still has its relevance because this is OUR history, no matter what color you are, if you are an American, this is your history. We need to understand this history if we want to advance this country because we still are facing many of the same problems we have for hundreds of years with the issue of superiority. In my opinion, no race is more superior than the other, and that's why you can never catch me saying that Black people are better than any other race. Still, I have my pride, but there is a thick line between thinking that my race is better than another and loving my Black self. It pains me that we don't celebrate our Black culture as we did way back when, and I know that I was put on this Earth to instill that self love, and awareness to the struggle so that I may uplift me people as the Great Ones before me did. So, this is one of many of my Black History Month posts, so I hope to post more in the future so that I may uplift, whomever reads this.
Sunday, January 30, 2011
I WILL NOT DIE IF I DON'T GO TO OHIO STATE
-I WILL NOT DIE IF THEIR BASKETBALL TEAMS LOSES THE CHAMPIONSHIPS
-I WILL NOT DIE IF I DON'T EVER SEE THEIR TEAM PLAY
-I WILL NOT DIE IF DON'T EVER GET TO BE IN THE SAME ROOM AS JARED SULLINGER
-I WILL STILL BE SUCCESSFUL NO MATTER WHERE I GO
-I HAVE BIG PLANS, AND I KNOW THAT I'M GOING TO BE A LEADER IN MY COMMUNITY NO MATTER WHERE I GO
-I WILL DO THAT PROGRAM WITH THE NATIONAL ASSOCIATION OF BLACK JOURNALIST SOMEDAY
-I WILL INTERN AT CNN SOMEDAY
-I WILL WORK AT ESSENCE MAGAZINE SOMEDAY
-WHEN I GO TO COLLEGE---I WILL WORK HARD SO THAT THERE WILL BE NO OPPORTUNITY THAT I CAN'T OBTAIN
-I WILL WORK SO HARD THAT MANY DOORS WILL BE OPENED FOR ME
-I WILL WORK HARD ENOUGH TO MAKE ALL MY DREAMS COME TRUE BECAUSE I'M TIRED OF LETTING OPPORTUNITY PASS ME BY!
-SO I'M GOING TO FIGHT FOR IT! I WILL NO LONGER STAND ON THE SIDELINES TO WATCH CHANCES PASS ME BY! I'M GOING TO FIGHT FOR IT!
-I AM GOING TO FIGHT FOR IT! AND IT IS THIS DETERMINATION THAT IS GOING TO MAKE ME A GREAT LEADER ONE DAY! AND I HOPE THAT TEN YEARS FROM NOW, I WILL BE PROUD WHEN I READ THIS!
SAD, BUT PROUD!
This week I also had the "heavy" thought of who I was going to take to the prom because it was either going to be my cousin Mr. Revolution or BGF. My cousin is probably the most conscience person I know personally, and I would really enjoy sharing that special moment with him. Then there is BGF. He and I use to be real close and we could talk for hours and hours, but it doesn't seem that that connection is there anymore. He doesn't txt me, and I don't txt him. Even when we're together, we barely talk. Still we care for each other and support each other. The one thing I think is holding us back is the fact that he won't open up to me about anything! I try hard to pry it out of him, but he holds to it so strong and I got so tired of it that I just don't even begin to struggle. If I ask him what's wrong and he doesn't answer, I just drop the whole thing and walk away. Still, we've been through a lot together, and I believe that it's just. . .right to take him because of our "bond" even though I have no clue if it's still there. Actually, I haven't talked to him in about a month, and I don't even see him anymore. After a quick look at his Facebook, I see that he's out having fun with whomever while I'm stuck in the house with absolutely no social life except for the NAACP. I don't know, but I got this funny feeling when I saw him out and about, but I guess it's because I want him to feel the way I do on the weekends: depressed, alone, and bored. But I know that it very selfish.
Then yesterday, after a talk with my cousin, I realized that there are more important things happening in the world besides who I'm taking to the prom. And to be completely honest, it won't matter ten years from now who I take because I hope to be a budding professional in the Journalism industry. Then when prom comes, I will live in the moment and not let anything get to me. Still, no matter who I take to the prom, there is going to be poverty, violence, and injustice out there somewhere and I know that I was meant to stop it.
To be completely honest with you, I don't know why I am so selfless. Yeah, it seems as if I'm always thinking about the problems of the people around me and am unable to live with myself if I don't do anything to solve the problem. You know, I can't help the poor by myself! I haven't even studied the problem closely enough to give you a detailed answer to why I think education could fix the problem, I don't even know any other solution besides this one! Sometimes, I think that focusing on problems such as poverty and Black on Black crime, I am purposely taking my mind off my misfortunes, while also trying to mask my own inner doubts about myself. That's probably why I find myself writing all the time, and thinking about another book instead of focusing on World Literature Class. Is this a curse? or is it a gift? I probably won't know until I'm 27.
So have a great week!
Thursday, January 20, 2011
So PEACE and wish me luck as I try to find my way.