Sunday, October 17, 2010
In the beginning of the week we had Columbus day, and thankfully I didn't have school. Then the best part was that I didn't have to really go to JROTC all week because as a Senior, we had other things to do. On Tuesday 1st-4th period, we had Junior Achievement which was done through Progressive Insurance, and I think that I made a really good impression on the one guy that was talking to us. He told me that when we come to visit, he wanted to get me to talk to some people to make connections, and I was really grateful! Like they said, I was actually selling my "brand" just by showing them how principled, and as he put it, "Culturally oriented" I am. They also came back on Thursday.
On Wednesday 1st period, a representative from Spelman came in and I was so happy that she said we could take classes at Georgia State. Even though my grades aren't that spectacular, I still am holding hope that I get in because if I don't get into Georgia State, Spelman is my last hope for going to school in Atlanta and vice versa.
On Friday, we had a quiz in JROTC that the seniors didn't know anything about, but we still had to take it! And I have to admit that this was the most annoying thing that 1st Sgt did so far this year!
Anyhow, I've been kind of depressed for the past two weeks because I've kind of been off my game, but I know that if I take the time to prioritize my daily goals blah-blah-blah, I will be back on track because I refuse to let my 3.80 go that easily! The past two weeks I've also been trying to truly get over SG. I know that it will be a process, but I just really think that it's not fair that we can't be together NOW! It's not fair that he had chose some other girl over me, and that only gets me to wondering what he saw in her that made him pursue. Then again, that's none of my business. But these thoughts were going through my mind like crazy while I was at BGFs football game. This was the first time I had been to a game in a LONG time because most of his were out of state, or too darn far for me to travel. So since the season is almost over, I thought that I might as well take the time OUT OF MY DAY, take the money OUT OF MY POCKET, take the time TO FREEZE MY ASSEST OFF, to go see my BGF play since he was starting.
I felt really awkward over there because he goes to a predominately White school, but an all boy school, and of course there are those White girls there with their uggs (who cares how you spell it), their leggings, and their long silky hair, that were just running all over the place with their girlfriends, yelling in their complete sentences "oh my gosh! Hi!" "Oh you're just not going to say high to me!", jumping into the arms of some boy that they will see on Monday, and all that B.S. I really am not racist, but I felt very uncomfortable around them, and I think that was mostly because I don't live like them. I can't plan my Saturday evenings with friends, shoot, I can't even walk with them from my house to a football game, I don't hug up on boys all like that, I'm not loud, and I'm very self-conscious. . .most of the time. I always envy those girls that have those girlfriends they can count on to go to the mall with them Friday night after they get off work at Victoria's Secret, and I am so tired of being known or looked at as the "quiet girl" that when I go to college, I am making sure that my peers are surprised that I was once considered quiet! One thing that I want to get clear though, is that, just because I don't want to talk to you, doesn't mean that I'm quiet.
Back on subject. When I saw BGF out there on the field in his football uniform, I felt this pride, I felt this even greater appreciation for our "friendship", and it was weird, I was thinking about how much I would miss him when I went away to college. Then I just couldn't of helped but to think about SG and all that we'd been through, and I realized that I definitely wasn't over him as I thought I was. Then things went from romantic to worse. . .BGF broke me out of my trance over SB when he asked me to get his mother. He was just pointing to somebody, but his grandmother was between me and his mother so I was confused. Then he made that face that always gets me mad, this face that, to me says, "never-mind, your can be so stupid sometimes!" And I am not stupid! So I was cussing everybody out in my mind, and when BGF went back onto the field, I refused to look up. I was cussing out (in my mind) the White kids that was running up and down the isle about to trip over my feet, and I imagined how I would of handled that situation. Then their band played at half time, and they really had not rhythm so I looked down embarrassed for them. Then his mom got me some hot chocolate, and my dumbself drunk it and burned my tongue. After that, I declared this night a disaster: I was pissed at the world, I was colder than a mug, I was pretty sure I burned the taste-buds off my tongue, I was sleepy, and I wanted to go home. Then somehow I calmed myself down by humming "Crusin'" by Smokey Robinson. But I was done with SG, I couldn't see us going to prom to together anymore. . .it was sad.
After that, we picked up BGF at his school and they did win. I was happy for him, and imagined myself punching him in the shoulder when he got in the car telling him how good he was, and asking him how he felt. But when it really happened, I just didn't know what to say. That whole night I didn't know what to say. I just wanted to go home, wrap myself in a blanket, and imagine what I could of done. I forgot to mention that my animosity eased up when he texted me while he was on the bus. At that moment I knew that I was hopelessly "devoted", per say, to SG and no amount of "no I'm nots" could make it go away. We are just a sad-sad "love" story. But back then when I was thinking to myself that "SG must of noticed this" or "maybe he's thinking about me", now I just tell myself that "naw, he's not thinking about me, so he won't care."
Late-late-late-late that night at BGF's grandmother's house, after midnight to be exact, BGF's mom was really embarrassing me about how quiet I am, but I really didn't want to talk because I was depressed, cold, and sleepy. I know BGF thought the same thing, and I felt bad about not being more involved, but I was DOA (dead on arrival) when I got in the car to leave for the game. I had no life in me, and plus I had to deal with Donkey trying to make me jealous because it was Sweety's day, a holiday that I hate. I felt that it wasn't fair that he was winning, and I've been trotting this one way highway, while he's been on a two way street despite what he has told me in the past.
"Blackness and BGF are going to prom together." His mother said to my discomfort.
I didn't say anything because it was awkward, but I really think that it's time I consider my prom date as a BGF instead of an SG. . .I guess. But we'll see what happens by then.
The way home was better, and I better engaged myself in a little conversation, not too much. When we got to my house, which is right across the street from theirs, I thanked them. BGF thanked me, and I went on to sleep a little after 1:00 am. When I woke up this morning, I thought yesterday was just a dream, but it was real. I don't regret supporting my BGF, but I regret my affection for SG.
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
This year, I've dealt with my fair share of donkeys just like Donkey! Donkey was a brotha that seemed so perfect, so intelligent, so respectful, so romantic, but in the end he was just playing me for a fool! BGF and SG helped me feel better about this situation, and I think that was the reason I started to fall for him all over again. My thinking was that this whole Donkey situation was a sign that SG and I were meant to be together, but again love, or strong like in this case, has knocked me down on my asset.
So today I declare that SG and I are going nowhere despite what I have written in the past, but I will keep those up because I love to look back at things like this to see how much I have grown.
This still is not ruling him out as a prom date. And I think that my mom will make me take him anyway because she believes that it's best to have a prom date that is sort of like a friend, someone that you don't have to impress because they already love you for who you are. In this case, I felt as if I had to impress SG because he doesn't believe that I can go that extra mile. He doesn't think that I could be that girlfriend that's kissing my boyfriend, holding him, going out of my way to spend time with him, going out on dates etc. etc. I've had one boyfriend since that time when SG and I's connection was so strong that I could tell that he wanted me as much as I wanted him, but we've grown up since then; we've had other's since then and as hard as it is to say, "maybe THIS just isn't our time". Right now, I don't know if we're right for any of this lovey-dovey relationship stuff, but I have this strong feeling in my gut that won't go away, and this feeling has been haunting me ever since I realized that there ever was a possibility that we could be. And this feeling is saying that we were meant to be together one way or another, maybe it's today, tomorrow, ten years from now, I can feel it. As of now, I'm really considering asking my cousin, Mr. Revolution to prom.
Sigh. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Blackness - PEACE!
Friday, October 1, 2010
I know that we ourselves are our worst critics and I sometimes find myself criticizing me for the fact that I am NOT you average teenager girl. I don't walk around school with a comb in my purse and I don't spend 10 minutes in the bathroom between every class to check myself in the mirror, I don't sit around in class and talk about boys and that party that I went to on Saturday, I don't come home and run to the computer to check my Facebook, I don't get a million text messages or phone calls a day from all 100,000 of my closest friends, I don't cling onto a cute boy's arm in the hallway to whisper to him my plan on how to get him into the house when my father leaves home, and I don't have sex. It's not that I want to be any of these things, but I wonder why I'm not; I know it has a lot to do with parenting, and environment blah blah blah, but a lot of this stuff is what a teen instinctively does, and since I don't do any of this, I guess I'm abnormal; I guess this is why I haven't had a boyfriend in 2 years, I guess this is why no boy has been brave enough to show interest in me-and I'm not counting Donkey! , I guess this is why I only have 5 friends in my cellphone, and I guess this why the only time my cellphone rings it's my mom or my grandma. Even when I get a text message it's just some random guy trying to sell me some car insurance. Sometimes I actually envy those girls who 's phone is constantly ringing, even though it can get really annoying, because I wish I could just feel as if a friend thought about me. The good side to all of this is that because I have just an exclusive group of friends, I don't have to worry about drama, and that is the only reason why most of the time I don't care. I just have this "old soul" and am constantly wishing that I lived back in the 50's where I could of really made a difference in my community, and even met Martin. I actually prefer the music from back then over the music I here now, and I'm not up to date with a lot of the stuff that my classmates are listening to because I'm stuck back in the '50s, maybe even the '20s, and sometimes the 1800s!
But too often do I ask Martin, "when is morning coming?!" Then I ask God, "when will the sun shine on me?" God and Martin just tell me that, "it's coming", but they never tell me when. I just want to know when! But at times I can see signs that good luck might be coming my way, and other times I can just feel it. So it's always a question I have on my mind constantly as I continue my existence.
It feels so GOOD to get this off my chest!
Lastly, I want to discuss "MANIFEST DESTINY". I got the word from my Hill Harper book "Letters To A Young Sister: DeFINE Your Destiny", and his definition was that it was your purpose in life, your destiny basically. So I began using the word in some of my papers, and one of my teachers had took offense to the word. Now we go into another meaning of the word. Manifest Destiny is also used to describe a time in history when Americans were expanding westward, and they notoriously took Native American reservations for their own selfish gain, while also killing many innocent Native Americans, and the first person to use this word in print was John L O'Sullivan, a New York journalist, who called for expansion and Thomas Jefferson died 13 years prior to the "Manifest Destiny" time period. My teacher is Native American, and this particular example of the word is so imprinted in her history that I can understand her concerns, and I respect them and I firmly believe that there is no way that a bad word can ever be made good, which is why I'm COMPLETELY against the "N-word", but I was not implying to the political/historical context of the word, I was implying the purposeful meaning, the meaning that will inspire and has inspired me to be a better person. I know she knew I didn't mean it in the other way, but I just wanted to clear this up and I want to note that a teacher should remain neutral on this, but I hope we can discuss some other political and social issues sometime in the future.