In the beginning of the week we had Columbus day, and thankfully I didn't have school. Then the best part was that I didn't have to really go to JROTC all week because as a Senior, we had other things to do. On Tuesday 1st-4th period, we had Junior Achievement which was done through Progressive Insurance, and I think that I made a really good impression on the one guy that was talking to us. He told me that when we come to visit, he wanted to get me to talk to some people to make connections, and I was really grateful! Like they said, I was actually selling my "brand" just by showing them how principled, and as he put it, "Culturally oriented" I am. They also came back on Thursday.
On Wednesday 1st period, a representative from Spelman came in and I was so happy that she said we could take classes at Georgia State. Even though my grades aren't that spectacular, I still am holding hope that I get in because if I don't get into Georgia State, Spelman is my last hope for going to school in Atlanta and vice versa.
On Friday, we had a quiz in JROTC that the seniors didn't know anything about, but we still had to take it! And I have to admit that this was the most annoying thing that 1st Sgt did so far this year!
Anyhow, I've been kind of depressed for the past two weeks because I've kind of been off my game, but I know that if I take the time to prioritize my daily goals blah-blah-blah, I will be back on track because I refuse to let my 3.80 go that easily! The past two weeks I've also been trying to truly get over SG. I know that it will be a process, but I just really think that it's not fair that we can't be together NOW! It's not fair that he had chose some other girl over me, and that only gets me to wondering what he saw in her that made him pursue. Then again, that's none of my business. But these thoughts were going through my mind like crazy while I was at BGFs football game. This was the first time I had been to a game in a LONG time because most of his were out of state, or too darn far for me to travel. So since the season is almost over, I thought that I might as well take the time OUT OF MY DAY, take the money OUT OF MY POCKET, take the time TO FREEZE MY ASSEST OFF, to go see my BGF play since he was starting.
I felt really awkward over there because he goes to a predominately White school, but an all boy school, and of course there are those White girls there with their uggs (who cares how you spell it), their leggings, and their long silky hair, that were just running all over the place with their girlfriends, yelling in their complete sentences "oh my gosh! Hi!" "Oh you're just not going to say high to me!", jumping into the arms of some boy that they will see on Monday, and all that B.S. I really am not racist, but I felt very uncomfortable around them, and I think that was mostly because I don't live like them. I can't plan my Saturday evenings with friends, shoot, I can't even walk with them from my house to a football game, I don't hug up on boys all like that, I'm not loud, and I'm very self-conscious. . .most of the time. I always envy those girls that have those girlfriends they can count on to go to the mall with them Friday night after they get off work at Victoria's Secret, and I am so tired of being known or looked at as the "quiet girl" that when I go to college, I am making sure that my peers are surprised that I was once considered quiet! One thing that I want to get clear though, is that, just because I don't want to talk to you, doesn't mean that I'm quiet.
Back on subject. When I saw BGF out there on the field in his football uniform, I felt this pride, I felt this even greater appreciation for our "friendship", and it was weird, I was thinking about how much I would miss him when I went away to college. Then I just couldn't of helped but to think about SG and all that we'd been through, and I realized that I definitely wasn't over him as I thought I was. Then things went from romantic to worse. . .BGF broke me out of my trance over SB when he asked me to get his mother. He was just pointing to somebody, but his grandmother was between me and his mother so I was confused. Then he made that face that always gets me mad, this face that, to me says, "never-mind, your can be so stupid sometimes!" And I am not stupid! So I was cussing everybody out in my mind, and when BGF went back onto the field, I refused to look up. I was cussing out (in my mind) the White kids that was running up and down the isle about to trip over my feet, and I imagined how I would of handled that situation. Then their band played at half time, and they really had not rhythm so I looked down embarrassed for them. Then his mom got me some hot chocolate, and my dumbself drunk it and burned my tongue. After that, I declared this night a disaster: I was pissed at the world, I was colder than a mug, I was pretty sure I burned the taste-buds off my tongue, I was sleepy, and I wanted to go home. Then somehow I calmed myself down by humming "Crusin'" by Smokey Robinson. But I was done with SG, I couldn't see us going to prom to together anymore. . .it was sad.
After that, we picked up BGF at his school and they did win. I was happy for him, and imagined myself punching him in the shoulder when he got in the car telling him how good he was, and asking him how he felt. But when it really happened, I just didn't know what to say. That whole night I didn't know what to say. I just wanted to go home, wrap myself in a blanket, and imagine what I could of done. I forgot to mention that my animosity eased up when he texted me while he was on the bus. At that moment I knew that I was hopelessly "devoted", per say, to SG and no amount of "no I'm nots" could make it go away. We are just a sad-sad "love" story. But back then when I was thinking to myself that "SG must of noticed this" or "maybe he's thinking about me", now I just tell myself that "naw, he's not thinking about me, so he won't care."
Late-late-late-late that night at BGF's grandmother's house, after midnight to be exact, BGF's mom was really embarrassing me about how quiet I am, but I really didn't want to talk because I was depressed, cold, and sleepy. I know BGF thought the same thing, and I felt bad about not being more involved, but I was DOA (dead on arrival) when I got in the car to leave for the game. I had no life in me, and plus I had to deal with Donkey trying to make me jealous because it was Sweety's day, a holiday that I hate. I felt that it wasn't fair that he was winning, and I've been trotting this one way highway, while he's been on a two way street despite what he has told me in the past.
"Blackness and BGF are going to prom together." His mother said to my discomfort.
I didn't say anything because it was awkward, but I really think that it's time I consider my prom date as a BGF instead of an SG. . .I guess. But we'll see what happens by then.
The way home was better, and I better engaged myself in a little conversation, not too much. When we got to my house, which is right across the street from theirs, I thanked them. BGF thanked me, and I went on to sleep a little after 1:00 am. When I woke up this morning, I thought yesterday was just a dream, but it was real. I don't regret supporting my BGF, but I regret my affection for SG.
Always yours,
Blackness
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