"You Don't Need No Baggage, You Just Get On Board"

I think that everybody in the world should listen to "People Get Ready" by the Impressions every New Years because this song is just so optimistic as it tells you to leave the past behind and move on.  We all should listen to the message of this song and put all the depressing baggage of 2010 behind us as we carry on into 2011.  Still, it doesn't hurt to have you're own personal year in review.
The top ten-the good, the bad, and the ugly:
10. (ugly) I was humilitated when a boy thought it was funny to grab my butt and blame it on his friend. Then he got expelled from school, and that episode was the talk of our grade. The good thing that I got out of that was that I learned that I could be strong and not let anything stop me from living my life.
9. (good) My well used $300 shopping spree
8. (good) I went on my first date, which was with Donkey. eww.
7. (good) I wrote my first real spoken word poem, "Pride".
6. (good) I sold the most tickets for my NAACP luncheon
5. (bad) The first guy that I really liked back was just playing me for a fool and I had to learn it at our NAACP Freedom Fund Banquet.  Donkey was not only talkin' to me honey, so I had to let him go, but the best part was that I learned how to deal with this in the future.
4. (good) I started my very own  blogs.  One that I use to get my political views out there, "That Black Pride" and my online diary that I hope empowers others is, "Memoirs Of A Young Sistah"
3. (good) I went to my first real political rally as they re-did the March On Washington.  Even though it was not as good as it was back in 1963, it still was an experience that I will never forget.
2. (good) Going to BGF's football games were so cool!  I would just watch him out there playing and would tell myself, "that's MY boy out there! Y'all don't know him like I do!"lol  Spending a lot more time with him was awesome and I really realized how lucky I am to have him as my friend, and I gave him a great present that showed my appreciation and he loved it!
1. (BEST) Becoming a senior.  I had always dreamt of the day when I would be in my senior year in high school, and I still can't believe that I'm here!  I'm only months away from walking across the stage in my cap and gown! Going to prom! This is going to be great! So I am praying that along the way, I will have good fortune, and will get accepted to my top college of choice because this is a huge step.  I am going to have to make a lot of huge decisions on my own, even though it's scary. . .I'M READY!
  When I was younger, I use to make a list of about ten things that I wanted to accomplish in the new year, and I never got to any of them!  So I have gotten into the habit of just making no more than six things that I want to make possible.  So I am pleased to give you my goals for 2011.
  1. Graduate from high school
  2. Go to prom and have a great time
  3. Enter the spoken word contest at school
  4. Attend my top choice of Ohio State University, or my plan B's: Howard University and Penn State University-University Park.  Also get as much scholarship money as possible!
  5. Follow one of the exercise plans in Seventeen Magazine and eat right
  6. Get Straight A's on final report cards
So happy New Year!  Thanks for following this crazy sistah!  Now as school resumes and a new year begins to unfold, I hope that all of you will have nothing but good fortune.  And remember not to dwell on the things that tried to bring you down in 2010 because that's so last year.  And when stuff tries to bring you down in 2011, keep on pushin'!

PEACE!

                  Ya girl Blackness!

Playing Dress Up! Week 16!

This week, I didn't feel like I looked my best, but I always put my appearance in the back seat during the week.  See, I believe that school is a place where you learn, get good grades, and get out of there as soon as senior comes around.  It's funny how many see it as an opportunity to show off their new clothes, and wear all this make-up. . .but for what?  No matter how cool your clothes look, or how cute you look in make-up, that  doesn't contribute to your graduation.  Yeah you might be voted the prettiest smile, or most conceited, but colleges are not interested in popularity contests!
On the weekend though is when I turn it on, and I wear my nice clothes and do my hair the way I want to!  But you don't know how happy I was when Friday came because that means Christmas Break!  I had an epiphany though: when I go back to school in 2011, I will only be months away from prom and graduating from high school!  It's just like yesterday I was just starting my senior year, but now it's about time that I start shopping for prom dresses and asking SG, BGF, or Mr. Revolution to prom!  Most likely, I'm going to ask BGF, but I want to make sure our prom is going to be good because our school is not letting us do too much for making money this year, which isn't fair!  But I have hope that it will end out good because the seniors last year were complaining about this same thing, but their prom turned out to be awesome.
Last Friday, I got an email from Ohio State telling me that they have received my application, which means that I have a ten to twelve week wait, and this school is my first choice school.  And I feel that I will get in because you know how you got that feeling that you can see the future with something, and then that something begins to pop up everywhere?  Like when I was talking to donkey, I was trying my hardest to see a future with him, but I just couldn't see it, and now we have no future because he's a donkey.  With Ohio State, the day I got the conformation email, I happened to be looking at their men's basketball schedule.  Then the same day that a graduating senior from last year came to talk about Ohio State, I got an email about my password and stuff to check my application status.  Then I keep seeing Ohio State stuff everywhere I turn, which gives me a good feeling that it was meant to be, but I don't want to jinx myself.
We had an NAACP meeting yesterday and I was eager for my friend to meet Donkey after I kept dogging him for what he did to me, and I was surprised that this meeting went really well.  I think now because I actually have a friend in the meetings with me, I feel a lot more comfortable, and it seems like I'm almost beginning to like this youth council.  and I said, "ALMOST", but the best moment about this week was just a couple of hours ago when I was in my room trying on the new clothes I bought from the  mall the other weekend, and they made me look so cute!  I was also listening to Chrisette Michele while I got dressed and nothing could stop me!  Even though during the week I have some kind of doubt about the beauty of my body type, which is thick, and as soon as I put on some nice clothes, I feel so much better about myself, and I encourage all my sistahs out there to follow suit!  Whenever you're beginning to feel low about your body, play dress up in some flattering clothes while listening to some Chrisette Michele, Jill Scott, Corinne Bailey Rae, and Laura Izibor then you shall see the light!

Little Sistah Week 15!

Just the other day I was going through my usual episode of depression, and I just had to pick up my favorite self-help book, "Letters To A Young Sister" by Hill Harper.  And coincidentally, the first page I read really helped me a lot.  The girl he was writing to asked him "what do people mean by having self-respect?"  He forwarded the e-mail to Alfre Woodard, a well known actress who starred in many movies, which include my two favorites, Love and Basketball and Something New.  In her e-mail to the girl, she said to the effect that even though we grow older, we still are a part of that little girl we once were.  So just like a regular child, we need to take care of her, feed her right, treat her right, and love her with all our heart.  Then that got me to thinking, and I've been pondering for a couple of days now.
As I passed by that picture of me on the wall when I was a couple weeks old, I had an epiphany: I still am that little baby, but I'm just a little bit taller, smarter, wiser, and more developed.  Still, this baby belongs to my mom and I need to take real good care of her and give her words of encouragement everyday.  So next week, I will make it my business to exercise more, eat better, take better care of myself, specifically my skin, and to be strong for myself.  I thought that I had self-respect just because I don't wear tight clothes and I don't act the way those other girls in my school act, but the one thing I was missing was just really taking care of myself the way that I should, and having confidence.
There was one thing that was bothering me though.  Earlier in the week, I learned that I was to do a powerpoint presentation on the history of technology after I was so excited to do a project on a famous African American.  So I decided that I would to Black technological innovations because our Black ancestors don't get all the credit that they deserve, and too many people don't know about their accomplishments.  So I was cool, then in the car, I told my mom that I wanted to make it Black, and that's when she said, "yeah  because that's the only color you see."  I playfully replied, "no I don't!"  On the inside, I was thinking, is that what other people think too?  I love diversity!  I live in Cleveland, and there is an area called University Circle and it's just beautiful.  The Cleveland Museum of Art is located there, the Botanical Gardens, the Western Reserve Historical Society, the Natural History Museum, the Cleveland Institutes of Art and Music, and lastly Case Western Reserve University--among a million other things.  There is so much diversity there because of Case, and I have to admit, I see more Asians there than anything else.  I don't know if this may sound crazy, but every time I see other cultures here in America, I tell myself, "wow.  Only in America can you see so many cultures together as one, and we don't look at it like it's strange."  I actually would choose a predominately white college over an HBCU because of the diversity!
Now, the reason why I try to incorporate Black history in most, if not everything I do because I feel like I'm the only one that's doing it in my school.  And these kids don't care to know about their history, so I force open their eyes to make them see it and trust me, I've made progress.  Truthfully, this is the only way I can feel like I'm fulfilling my destiny because I am not as involved in my community as I should be, and yeah I am in the NAACP, but they don't do as much in the community as they do within the organization and that kills me sometimes.  Still being in the NAACP is beneficial because you learn the skills needed to become a future leader in your community, which I am truly thankful for.
PEACE!
Love,
          Blackness

What Are Donkeys? Week 14!

This week was oddly easy because I have been doing such a good job with getting SG out of my system, but I was wondering what was going to happen on Saturday when I went to my NAACP meeting for the first time since that incident happened last weekend.  My girl Jill came along for the ride and I couldn't wait for her to meet Donkey and that fat h@&.  Then the strangest thing happened, neither one of them came!  What a coincidence?!  So we had the meeting, and it went pretty well, but again I seemed to be nothing but a shadow in the corner.  When Howard was president, I felt comfortable around everyone, but now since Donkey came in, everything just doesn't feel right.  But I don't think that it's fair that he and those other mothertruckers will get access to the awesome opportunities that I won't have if I just up and leave.  So, the only way to make these people angry is to work my you know what off, and be the best treasurer that I can be!
The thing that made me cringe a little was when I heard one of the new girls go on and on about how Donkey sent her a text message saying "good morning queen".  As soon as I heard how happy she was about that, I had a deep urge to tell her what he was really about, and then I realized that her situation with Donkey is none of my business.  She will just have to learn the hard way that through the exterior of  his human skin, he is nothing more than a hay eating, big gummed Jackass!  So, I think this is so funny to me that he has found him some other prey in such a short time, but hey, all men are jackasses, but how big of a jackass is what makes each one of them different.

BLACK Iz Power: Rock Bottom Week 13!

This week, I decided to do something a little different.  See, I thought it would be a good idea to use my strife as a way to inspire others who are in a similar situation.  But first, I want to elaborate on what "Black Iz Power" means.
To many of you, Black Iz Power means, Black Power, but that's not the case.  Black Iz Power is referring to the inner Black in all of us, the pride in all of us.  A long time a go, Black was in, but sense then we have lost our way and we need to find it.  We need to empower one another on our journey to finding it because only then will we have the power.  This power that I speak of is not Black Power, but it is the power of Blackness, and the power of Education.
With the power of Blackness, we will have the strength, and the pride that illuminates our Black skin.  The power of Education is knowledge of the struggle of our people, and the accomplishments we have made along the way.
And the Iz, it's just my way of separating this meaning from Black Power.
Anyhow, this weekend, I hit rock bottom.  And I mean, the REAL rock bottom!  For months I have been seeing the numbers 11 on the clock every time I looked up, and I was wondering what it meant.  I had this hope that something good was going to come out of it on the 11th day of some month, but never would I have thought it to be a bad thing on the 11th month.  This was my birthday week, and I did my best to make it the best week possible, but there were other plans in store for me.
On Friday, I was excited because I had gotten another acceptance letter and this one was from Indiana State.  The only reason why I was excited was because if I could get into this school, I can get into Ohio State!  That day, I was also on a high because I had read a story about how Bob Moses was beaten up by this white guy and still found the strength to get up off the ground, his head still bleeding, to sign two Blacks to vote.  That same day when I read that, I had gotten a text from Donkey about an NAACP table at a local high school, and I day dreamed about how I would talk to the people that came by the table and the things I would say.
When I woke up that morning, I had this feeling like I really didn't want to go, but the story of Bob Moses was what got me out of bed and into that school.  Then when I got there, I learned that there was a teen summit that Donkey told me nothing about!  I was mad!  Then he was one of the speakers, and he lied every time he opened his mouth!  He's a horrible president, and he doesn't even tell me about half of the stuff they do!  But that was just the thing that gave me a headache, there was something else that made me so mad that I cried.
I was at the NAACP table waiting for people to come, and two girls came.  The first thing they asked me was, "what do we need to get?"  I started off  by telling them about the memberships when this. . .what's the best thing to call her without going out of principal. . .person just yelled at me.
"Why you gon' tell them about the memberships without telling them about the NAACP?!"
"I was getting to that!" I said politely.
So I preceded to tell them about the different things we do and when I ran out of things I turned it over to  the Vice President.  He did a better job than me, and I felt like I failed.  I also felt like I didn't belong.  So I told my step-dad to come get me, and I couldn't wait any longer in there while I was going through hell, and Donkey was happy.  That's not fair after what he had done to me!  So I took my Martin Luther King book and sat outside in the cold that I somehow ignored over my cries.  Tears were actually going down my cheeks and I was so mad that I had almost cussed in front of my step-dad on purpose!   Then to top it all off, I learned that SG might like my friend France.
I cried all that day, angry beyond comprehension.  I kept asking myself why I had to go through this when I don't do anything to deserve this?!  Then I was, and still am, considering quitting the NAACP because I joined so that I could do something to help out my community, not the drama that seems to surround Donkey.  I'm at rock bottom, so I guess morning is coming tomorrow and the next day and the next day.
With my afro, I know that I can only go up from here.  So, I looked at it like this. . .if it's true that SG likes France, cool, it gives a good to ask Mr. Revolution to the prom!  Also, I will try one more NAACP meeting next week, and I will do my best to be above that bull!  So, I will give you an update.

PEACE!
                 Blackness

The Spoken Word Trilogy: Week 12!

I have no idea who this woman is or if she is good, but I thought this was the perfect picture for my spoken word themed week.  I mean, I don't think that I do as good with poetry as I do with writing stories, but I do have some pretty good poems.  Anyhow, I will get on with it already!
On Monday or Wednesday I thought about writing a trilogy chronicling my relationship with SG, but instead of calling him SG, I call him spoken word.  Why did I choose spoken word out of all the other words in the world? That's because the poem is spoken word and people use this kind of poetry to express their deep feelings about ANYTHING.  I write spoken word about everything, and it's so free!  You can rhyme if you want, or you don't have to.  You can make noises and sing.  I mean, if you haven't heard of spoken word, you better get into your life and get there fast because this is the best outlet for your emotions!  I mean, there are geniuses out there like Black Ice, and even more personal, my cousin, Mr. Revolution.  I could go all day about why you should be listening to spoken word, but I need to be getting in bed before I can't get myself out of bed in the morning!
Well, I know that I wasn't going to mention SG again, but I had the craziest dream about him about two nights ago.  See, this was the first dream that I had about him  in a while, and in the beginning of the week I was having dreams about these ignorant brothas that I don't even think about, but I was satisfied that it wasn't him.  Then Friday night, I had a dream about him and we were flirting like we didn't care about anything.  It didn't go any further than that! I promise!  Then the crazy thing about it is that, I enjoyed it.  When I woke up, deep-deep-deep-deep-deep down inside of me, I knew that I wanted to dream about him again.  Then I got angry at myself asking myself, what the hell was I doing liking him in the first place?! I didn't get an answer, so I was just mad at him when he in all reality didn't do anything to me! (In this world anyway)  Then every time I looked up, there seemed like there was always something popping up to make me think about him.  Huh! This is so wrong!  I think I need professional help, that including Oprah and Dr. Phil, shoot, maybe even Ellen.
But I'm going to keep my head up because my birthday is tomorrow, and I need to be as positive as I can as  I turn 17. I'm one year closer to becoming a woman!

So peace and love,
                                 Blackness

Eye Candy! YuM! Week 11!

This week has been very busy, and I have gotten little rest, but I'm starting to get my apps out.  On Friday, I got an e-mail from Penn State saying that they received my fee waiver, and all that I had to do was submit my application.  I was so happy!  I did that yesterday, and I guess the only thing that I have to do is submit my ACT scores electronically.  Yeah, all this stuff is complicated.  Now, all that I've got left is Ohio State, Howard University, Georgia State, Miami University (Ohio), Ohio University, possibly Purdue and possibly Spelman.  So wish my luck!

This week was all good and I kept myself positive, and that's when my guidance counselor took me on a field trip to this DeVry program called "Her World".  At first, I truthfully didn't want to go, but I just went anyway because she really wanted me to go. Plus I got out of school.  The first bump was when I didn't have my ID, and the office lady threatened to give me a dress code violation.  Then when I got into the van I saw these two ho--girls that I didn't want to see.  I will call the one girl, "Ms. Bigstuff" and the other, "Mrs. Connor" after Bull Connor.  I didn't do anything to them, and of course they start talking about me just because there wasn't enough room for me to sit in the van.  Anyhow, I first met Mrs. Connor when I first came to this school, and she always had the nerve to laugh at me when she really had nothing to talk about.  Then in recent years, I've learned that she's racist against her own race, and I decided to put her on the spot by putting her full name in my book.  Next I knew of Ms. Bigstuff, but I had never really become aquatinted with her till the tenth grade.  She is most annoying because she thinks that the whole world is out to get her, and that EVERY girl envies her.  Plus she thinks that she's always right.  I still can't stand her because I know that she talks about me, even though she is friends with my cousin Princess Pink, but I never expect Pink to ever stand up for me anyways.
The ceremony turned out to be very inspirational, but the wait for the van was what kind of got to me.  I guess the teacher was calling my name and I was talking on the phone with my Grandma and I couldn't hear her.  So that drew the attention of those ignorant girls that I was sitting by.  When I finally heard her, they began to laugh, even my cousin! So I really didn't appreciate that, so  I moved to a quiet spot in the lobby of the hotel and read my Martin Luther King book because it makes me feel like I was in the '60s and I forgot about the whole thing.  Then me and the teacher began talking about history and music, which was good too.  On the car ride back, it was awkward because those girls were laughing and joking around while I was reading a book about history.  I felt so out of place in this age and I felt like I should be hanging out with adults, not children!  But I love who I am and wouldn't change it for the world!
While other girls were going to parties or hanging out at the mall, I was stuck at home baby sitting my baby sister, and ultimately my other sister who is close to the same age as me.  So I was changing poopy diapers while other girls where changing clothes in the dressing rooms at Express.  Then when I looked out the window I saw that BGF was out riding in his truck doing Lord knows what, and that could of been me.  Then I thought about how I don't have a boyfriend and how things didn't work out with SG, but I satisfied my sweet tooth with some Eye Candy.  I love Eye Candy because there is no commitment involved and you can fantasize about them all you want without the heartbreak of a real crush/boyfriend.  See, even though you know that you will never be with this Eye Candy, as long as you are looking at them, they are yours.  Today, Ohio State played against Penn State, and I have to admit that Penn State does not have too many cute Black players, but the white boys are cute.  Ohio State has plenty of Eye Candy, and right now I'm caught between two of them: my longtime "boyfriend" Terelle Pryor, and Dan Torrence.  When Terelle first came to Ohio State, I thought he was so cute and since then he has become the star of the team and he no longer can be just mine.  Then we have Dan, who looks a little bit better,  is just a rising star and he is so YuM! So it's getting pretty hard to choose!
Seeing Dan and Terelle today had me saying, "SG who?" I mean, don't get me wrong, SG got it, but these are real men. . .keyword: MEN.  So I look forward to seeing them next week, and now that college basketball is about to get started I will start thinking less and less about SG.
Hooray for men's NCAA sports!

Love,
             Blackness

Love and Blues. Week 10!

Wow.  This week really was a trip, but I know that I am doing the best I can to maintain a good attitude despite what I am going through.  I mean, I'm not going through the worst adversity, but with the power of my ancestors, and knowing that they have my back no matter what, I am getting through it.  I really am.  Well, school is going a little bit better, but there is a paper that I keep putting off because I'm just lazy.  I will admit that!  I'm lazy and probably one of the most laziest people that I know, but when it comes to fulfilling my destiny and all of that, I get right on it because I know that my ancestors would appreciate it.  Weird thing though, I cried on Friday.  Yes, I cried.  Not because I couldn't go to the mall or because I caught some boy that I like with another girl.  I cried because the American Experience is putting on a Freedom Ride next year to commemorate the 50th anniversary, and some of the original freedom riders will be there!  I really wanted to go, but they are only taking college students, and I felt that wasn't fair! Still do, but I later realized that there will be something better planned for me in the future, I just have to be patient.
Patience- that's a good word to use, and a good quality to have in life because if you don't have patience, you will never ever be able to get through every day.  I don't know how I attained this quality, but I think that my support for nonviolence is what helped me.  I mean, you really have to have patience to be nonviolent, and that's why Martin Luther King didn't beat no Bull Connor tail!  This is how I don't beat up my sister when she REALLY gets on my nerves.  Anyhow, when you are going through tough circumstances, knowing that one day it will get better makes each day easier because you are one day closer to morning.  This is where SG comes in.
I know that many of you are tired of hearing about SG, but I promise that I won't mention him anymore until I reveal to you who he is, and if something MAJOR happens.  Well, this week, I feel that I got conformation that he doesn't feel the same way I do, and even though I could be wrong, that thought is very liberating.  I was tired of just wondering and observing just to see if he liked me back, and now that I feel that he doesn't, I'ma be okay!  It hurt a little bit because I wasted a couple months of emotions on him, but I guess we just aren't meant to be together now, or if ever.  It was hard to come to terms with it a little bit, but I have patience.  I know that one day I will find somebody that is right for me and will treat me right, some one that is worth my emotions because I'm tired of wasting them on boys that don't give a damn!  In the distant future, I know that I will be in college and there will be so many boys to choose from, and I will find somebody even though I may have to wait a little while.
In another way, it hurts because he is just so closed, so hard to figure out that it's crazy.  I just don't think that a relationship with him will work because he never will communicate his feelings just like BGF.  So, I have other men that really love me, one man in particular that tops the rest: my Papa.  Love you!


Love,
             Blackness   -  PEACE

Caution: Drink May Be Hot. Sip With Care Week 8!

This week was something that I was thankful for, but there were things that happened that I wish to forget. Last week really wasn't worth blogging about, but this week was because it was a journey that is just not even as close to being over as I thought it was.
In the beginning of the week we had Columbus day, and thankfully I didn't have school.  Then the best part was that I didn't have to really go to JROTC all week because as a Senior, we had other things to do.  On Tuesday 1st-4th period, we had Junior Achievement which was done through Progressive Insurance, and I think that I made a really good impression on the one guy that was talking to us.  He told me that when we come to visit, he wanted to get me to talk to some people to make connections, and I was really grateful!  Like they said, I was actually selling my "brand" just by showing them how principled, and as he put it, "Culturally oriented" I am.  They also came back on Thursday.
On Wednesday 1st period, a representative from Spelman came in and I was so happy that she said we could take classes at Georgia State.  Even though my grades aren't that spectacular, I still am holding hope that I get in because if I don't get into Georgia State, Spelman is my last hope for going to school in Atlanta and vice versa.
On Friday, we had a quiz in JROTC that the seniors didn't know anything about, but we still had to take it!  And I have to admit that this was the most annoying thing that 1st Sgt did so far this year!
Anyhow, I've been kind of depressed for the past two weeks because I've kind of been off my game, but I know that if I take the time to prioritize my daily goals blah-blah-blah, I will be back on track because I refuse to let my 3.80 go that easily!  The past two weeks I've also been trying to truly get over SG.  I know that it will be a process, but I just really think that it's not fair that we can't be together NOW!  It's not fair that he had chose some other girl over me, and that only gets me to wondering what he saw in her that made him pursue.  Then again, that's none of my business.  But these thoughts were going through my mind like crazy while I was at BGFs football game.  This was the first time I had been to a game in a LONG time because most of his were out of state, or too darn far for me to travel.  So since the season is almost over, I thought that I might as well take the time OUT OF MY DAY, take the money OUT OF MY POCKET, take the time TO FREEZE MY ASSEST OFF, to go see my BGF play since he was starting.
I felt really awkward over there because he goes to a predominately White school, but an all boy school, and of course there are those White girls there with their uggs (who cares how you spell it), their leggings, and their long silky hair, that were just running all over the place with their girlfriends, yelling in their complete sentences "oh my gosh! Hi!" "Oh you're just not going to say high to me!", jumping into the arms of some boy that they will see on Monday, and all that B.S.  I really am not racist, but I felt very uncomfortable around them, and I think that was mostly because I don't live like them.  I can't plan my Saturday evenings with friends, shoot, I can't even walk with them from my house to a football game, I don't hug up on boys all like that, I'm not loud, and I'm very self-conscious. . .most of the time.  I always envy those girls that have those girlfriends they can count on to go to the mall with them Friday night after they get off work at Victoria's Secret, and I am so tired of being known or looked at as the "quiet girl" that when I go to college, I am making sure that my peers are surprised that I was once considered quiet!  One thing that I want to get clear though, is that, just because I don't want to talk to you, doesn't mean that I'm quiet.
Back on subject.  When I saw BGF out there on the field in his football uniform, I felt this pride, I felt this even greater appreciation for our "friendship", and it was weird, I was thinking about how much I would miss him when I went away to college.  Then I just couldn't of helped but to think about SG and all that we'd been through, and I realized that I definitely wasn't over him as I thought I was.  Then things went from romantic to worse. . .BGF broke me out of my trance over SB when he asked me to get his mother.  He was just pointing to somebody, but his grandmother was between me and his mother so I was confused.  Then he made that face that always gets me mad, this face that, to me says, "never-mind, your can be so stupid sometimes!" And I am not stupid!  So I was cussing everybody out in my mind, and when BGF went back onto the field, I refused to look up.  I was cussing out (in my mind) the White kids that was running up and down the isle about to trip over my feet, and I imagined how I would of handled that situation.  Then their band played at half time, and they really had not rhythm so I looked down embarrassed for them.  Then his mom got me some hot chocolate, and my dumbself drunk it and burned my tongue.  After that, I declared this night a disaster: I was pissed at the world, I was colder than a mug, I was pretty sure I burned the taste-buds off my tongue, I was sleepy, and I wanted to go home.  Then somehow I calmed myself down by humming "Crusin'" by Smokey Robinson.  But I was done with SG, I couldn't see us going to prom to together anymore. . .it was sad.
After that, we picked up BGF at his school and they did win.  I was happy for him, and imagined myself punching him in the shoulder when he got in the car telling him how good he was, and asking him how he felt.  But when it really happened, I just didn't know what to say.  That whole night I didn't know what to say.  I just wanted to go home, wrap myself in a blanket, and imagine what I could of done.  I forgot to mention that my animosity eased up when he texted me while he was on the bus.  At that moment I knew that I was hopelessly "devoted", per say, to SG and no amount of "no I'm nots" could make it go away.  We are just a sad-sad "love" story.  But back then when I was thinking to myself that "SG must of noticed this" or "maybe he's thinking about me", now I just tell myself that "naw, he's not thinking about me, so he won't care."
Late-late-late-late that night at BGF's grandmother's house, after midnight to be exact,  BGF's mom was really embarrassing me about how quiet I am, but I really didn't want to talk because I was depressed, cold, and sleepy.   I know BGF thought the same thing, and I felt bad about not being more involved, but I  was DOA (dead on arrival) when I got in the car to leave for the game.  I had no life in me, and plus I had to deal with Donkey trying to make me jealous because it was Sweety's day, a holiday that I hate.  I felt that it wasn't fair that he was winning, and I've been trotting this one way highway, while he's been on a two way street despite what he has told me in the past.
"Blackness and BGF are going to prom together." His mother said to my discomfort.
I didn't say anything because it was awkward, but I really think that it's time I consider my prom date as a BGF instead of an SG. . .I guess.  But we'll see what happens by then.
The way home was better, and I better engaged myself in a little conversation, not too much.  When we got to my house, which is right across the street from theirs, I thanked them.  BGF thanked me, and I went on to sleep a little after 1:00 am.  When I woke up this morning, I thought yesterday was just a dream, but it was real.  I don't regret supporting my BGF, but I regret my affection for SG.

Always yours,
                           Blackness

A Formal Goodbye to SG

Wow, I never thought I would be doing this so soon, and I know this is like really out the blue, but I just felt that it needed to be done.  I thought everything would work out for us since this is really our last chance, but I guess not, and for the past few weeks I've been trying to convince myself that he might like me back, just trying to find proof.  In the end, I got nothing.  So now I must let this love interest go because boys just take too many of my emotions and it's just exhausting! And SG is too complicated for me to understand, as he has always been since the first day that I met him, and that's the only thing that I really wish I could change; I just wish that I could understand him.  Then again, he never has willingly given me a key to his emotions like he possibly might of to his girlfriends, and that only is a sign that our relationship wouldn't of worked anyway.  Shoot, I still have a lot of growing up to do when it comes to relationships because there is a lot of things that I have yet to experience and that is holding me back.
This year, I've dealt with my fair share of donkeys just like Donkey!  Donkey was a brotha that seemed so perfect, so intelligent, so respectful, so romantic, but in the end he was just playing me for a fool!  BGF and SG helped me feel better about this situation, and I think that was the reason I started to fall for him all over again.  My thinking was that this whole Donkey situation was a sign that SG and I were meant to be together, but again love, or strong like in this case, has knocked me down on my asset.

So today I declare that SG and I are going nowhere despite what I have written in the past, but I will keep those up because I love to look back at things like this to see how much I have grown.

This still is not ruling him out as a prom date.  And I think that my mom will make me take him anyway because she believes that it's best to have a prom date that is sort of like a friend, someone that you don't have to impress because they already love you for who you are.  In this case, I felt as if I had to impress SG because he doesn't believe that I can go that extra mile.  He doesn't think that I could be that girlfriend that's kissing my boyfriend, holding him, going out of my way to spend time with him, going out on dates etc. etc.  I've had one boyfriend since that time when SG and I's connection was so strong that I could tell that he wanted me as much as I wanted him, but we've grown up since then; we've had other's since then and as hard as it is to say, "maybe THIS just isn't our time".  Right now, I don't know if we're right for any of this lovey-dovey relationship stuff, but I have this strong feeling in my gut that won't go away, and this feeling has been haunting me ever since I realized that there ever was a possibility that we could be.  And this feeling is saying that we were meant to be together one way or another, maybe it's today, tomorrow, ten years from now, I can feel it.  As of now, I'm really considering asking my cousin, Mr. Revolution to prom.

Sigh. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 

                   Love,

                                    Blackness - PEACE!

Manifest Destiny & Confessions Of A Teenage Mind: Week 6!

Yet another week is over, and I am still finding myself having to lift myself up from my inner struggles that don't seem to go away no matter how many times I tell myself, "be optimistic-be optimistic-be optimistic-it's not over-be optimistic".  I know that I have enough strength to achieve all that I want to do, but the constant reminder of my struggles prevents me from focussing on the important things and how I can better myself.  I am not the most optimistic person as many of you may think, but really, I am a bit negative and I only cover that by trying my hardest to think positive; I mean, I am positive in some ways, but in others I am not because you can not see the future, you don't know what it holds for you, and since that is the case, I always find myself thinking about that constantly hoping that I will live a nice long life, hoping that I will fufill my destiny, hoping that I will do everything that I was sent here to do before I die, while also hoping that I will be able to cope without the people I love being there with my pyhsically.  So, yeah, I think about this a lot and  I try to come up with a plan, and I just hate changing that plan because I get the impression that I will have to completely start over.  Like when I had my heart set on going to Clark Atlanta and then I realized that school is just horrible, and then learning that I might not be able to go to school in Atlanta period threw me off as well.  I guess you could say that my outlook on life is based on this plan that I have for myself, this plan that may seem impossible, but a plan that is possible; that is something that I want to stress to everyONE: ALL things are POSSIBLE and there is nothing holding you back but yourselves, and it is worth it to strive as high as you can because life is rough and just aiming low just because you think it is the easy way is not going to help.  Hard work and optimism take you a long way, as it will take me: the future CNN corrospondent/Journalist-Essence Magazine reporter-Magazine owner-School founder-and crusador for civil rights.
I know that we ourselves are our worst critics and I sometimes find myself criticizing me for the fact that I am NOT you average teenager girl.  I don't walk around school with a comb in my purse and I don't spend 10 minutes in the bathroom between every class to check myself in the mirror, I don't sit around in class and talk about boys and that party that I went to on Saturday, I don't come home and run to the computer to check my Facebook, I don't get a million text messages or phone calls a day from all 100,000 of my closest friends, I don't cling onto a cute boy's arm in the hallway to whisper to him my plan on how to get him into the house when my father leaves home, and I don't have sex.  It's not that I want to be any of these things, but I wonder why I'm not; I know it has a lot to do with parenting, and environment blah blah blah, but a lot of this stuff is what a teen instinctively does, and since I don't do any of this, I guess I'm abnormal; I guess this is why I haven't had a boyfriend in 2 years, I guess this is why no boy has been brave enough to show interest in me-and I'm not counting Donkey! , I guess this is why I only have 5 friends in my cellphone,  and I guess this why the only time my cellphone rings it's my mom or my grandma.  Even when I get a text message it's just some random guy trying to sell me some car insurance.  Sometimes I actually envy those girls who 's phone is constantly ringing, even though it can get really annoying, because I wish I could just feel as if a friend thought about me.  The good side to all of this is that because I have just an exclusive group of friends, I don't have to worry about drama, and that is the only reason why most of the time I don't care.  I just have this "old soul" and am constantly wishing that I lived back in the 50's where I could of really made a difference in my community, and even met Martin.  I actually prefer the music from back then over the music I here now, and I'm not up to date with a lot of the stuff that my classmates are listening to because I'm stuck back in the '50s, maybe even the '20s, and sometimes the 1800s!
But too often do I ask Martin, "when is morning coming?!"  Then I ask God, "when will the sun shine on me?" God and Martin just tell me that, "it's coming", but they never tell me when.  I just want to know when!  But at times I can see signs that good luck might be coming my way, and other times I can just feel it.  So it's always a question I have on my mind constantly as I continue my existence.

It feels so GOOD to get this off my chest!

Lastly, I want to discuss "MANIFEST DESTINY".  I got the word from my Hill Harper book "Letters To A Young Sister: DeFINE Your Destiny", and his definition was that it was your purpose in life, your destiny basically.  So I began using the word in some of my papers, and one of my teachers had took offense to the word.  Now we go into another meaning of the word.  Manifest Destiny is also used to describe a time in history when Americans were expanding westward, and they notoriously took Native American reservations for their own selfish gain, while also killing many innocent Native Americans, and the first person to use this word in print was John L O'Sullivan, a New York journalist, who called for expansion and Thomas Jefferson died 13 years prior to the "Manifest Destiny" time period.  My teacher is Native American, and this particular example of the word is so imprinted in her history that I can understand her concerns, and I respect them and I firmly believe that there is no way that a bad word can ever be made good, which is why I'm COMPLETELY against the "N-word", but I was not implying to the political/historical context of the word, I was implying the purposeful meaning, the meaning that will inspire and has inspired me to be a better person.  I know she knew I didn't mean it in the other way, but I just wanted to clear this up and I want to note that a teacher should remain neutral on this, but I hope we can discuss some other political and social issues sometime in the future.

Love,
            Blackness

A New Outlook

Two Black Civil War Soldiers practicing

Today, I couldn't believe how bright I saw my future!  And I can't believe that I'm actually being optimistic like I said I was going to be!  And that can only lead to a healthier life.  But the whole thing with SG is kind of getting me saying, "fu$#! it" because he is acting so normal!  He is acting as if he does like me as much as he would any other day.  Then when I try to talk to my step dad about it, it seems like he doesn't even have an answer, or he wasn't listening to me.  But weird thing is though, I never wanted to ask him to prom more than I have today.  I guess having seen how "fun" my class can kind of be, I felt I don't have anything to worry about when we go to prom.  But I still can't dance, but thank God he can't either.  He dances as bad as BGF! LOL.
Anyhow, today I had to wear my JROTC uniform, and I look so cool in it that every chance I get to see my reflection, I take it.  Then there was this guy that 1st SRG brought in that was from John Carroll University, and his presentation was more enjoyable than those other two guys.  But I think that the best presentation was when one of the students brought their brother in, and his testimony was so REAL and he wasn't just standing there talking about all the benefits and all the money, he talked about the real stuff too.  But I am so proud to wear this uniform because I wear it for all the Blacks that served in all the major American wars, but never got the credit they deserve.  Like these guys.  So I know that I am really doing my part, and I hope that some others will take the initiative and do the same!

PEACE!
                 Love,
                              Blackness

Where Does School Spirit Come From?

I am having a problem trying to find out what is the cause of school spirit.  You know, the excitement you get when your home team is playing against a rival school; the anger you get toward some one that talks about your school; the urge to join the cheerleading squad, and even some of the many teams available at school.
I myself don't have the "joy" that many feel about their school.  Maybe it's because I hate it so much or maybe because my school is not really known for sports as much as academics and ugly uniforms.  I've been going to this school since I was in the 6th grade, and I can't really remember the last time I liked my school. . .wait, I think that I was in the a 6th grade, a dumb naive 6th grader that thought it was so cool to being going here, but little did I know I was going to have hell to pay for not getting accepted into that White private school in the suburbs; I endured verbal abuse by a lot of the boys and girls, and I did nothing wrong!  It took me four years to finally find some real friends!  But I'm in a happier place now.  Still, though I am in my senior year, I can't find the "heart" to have any school spirit!  I've always hated the pep rallies, and I can't express how happy I am to know that I might miss the one this year!
Anyhow, the thing that got me asking this question is my sister has decided to join the high stepping team of her public school.  Her school is a historic Cleveland public school that has produced so many distinguished alumni including the creators of Superman, and a host of numerous football stars.  If you ask me, I would rather be going to my school than theirs because the Cleveland school system is so horrid!  At least my schools has its academics together, but in the meantime, their school has a whole lot more school spirit than all the kids in my school put together.  Actually, I think that every school has a lot more school spirit than my school!  Shoot I have school spirit for Ohio State way more than I do here, and I don't even go there!--yet!  So my conclusion:  School spirit, for my school anyway, if anyone would have any, comes right out your asset!    Freak my school!  Go Bucks!

NEVER SETTLE! Week 5!

This week was very hard for me because I feel that I was not given all that I deserve in life, and that I was given this horrible luck when I don't feel that I deserve it.  See, I was doing great this week until I learned that I was ranked number 39th in my graduating class after all that hard work I put into my studies for the past two years.  Then I was even more broken hearted to learn that my cumulative was a  2.93 instead of a 3.3 as I originally thought!  So I thought all hope was lost, and my quest into getting into Ohio State or Howard University would be over and I was only fighting a lost cause; I had even cried yesterday because I thought I was doomed to go to CSU(Cleveland State University), or the University of Akron (even though there is no problem with that school.)   I really don't have problems with these schools, but they are just too easy to get in!  I mean this senior that was in my physics class last year use to just sit in the back of the classroom talking about all these "freaks" he was allegedly getting, and complaining when he got bad grades, and that idiot got in!  So if he could do it, ANYONE can!
With this, I began to think about all the other bad things that has happened to me in the past and thought, "why do people treat me wrong?"  "How come the people that are mean and treat people wrong get to win and I lose?"  "I don't do anything to anybody.  I just sit by myself and write stories to show my appreciation for my Black culture.  What is so wrong about that?"  "I failed my ancestors!  I can't even look at Martin after this."  "Why would SG want to go out with  a girl that isn't even sure of herself?  The girls he usually like are loud, I'm not that."
All these thoughts were going through my mind, and I thought that I would never see the sun again.  So I just cried that whole day because I thought that everything that I worked for was over.  Then it dawned on me that I can get through anything, and I CAN beat the odds!  So I blindly made a vow to do better in school and not to give up because the fight is not over!  Even though people want me to get into a major that will guarantee me a job, I will not let them tell me to do anything that I am not passionate about!  Even though my guidance counselor said that I should really consider the military, and I know he meant the best, but I will NOT settle for anything less than the goals that I have set for myself!  I WILL NOT SELL MYSELF SHORT of what I deserve because I know that I deserve the best and will not rest until I get it!  I work for my ancestors and for myself, and if SG doesn't end up liking me after all, then that's a loss for him because I'm not about to conform myself to what I think he might want me to be; if he doesn' t like me already for who I am, then he isn't worth my time!  That's that! There is PLENTY of other fish in the sea that will appreciate what I have, and I also have my cousin Mr. Revolution as a plan B if this whole thing doesn't work out. Soooooo HA!
The thing that woke up my spirits once again was when we were in College path. Mrs. B made us watch these videos about the history of HBCUs and then she asked us about W.E.B. Du Bois and Booker T Washington and how they had their conflict.  Then she asked about Plessy v. Furguson, and Brown v Board of Education.  I of course didn't have to read anything because I knew all about this stuff.  So I got my paper done in that class period!  When I brought it up to her she said that she knew that I would finish.  Then I told her my answer about W.E.B. Du Bois and Booker T. Washington and she was so happy to hear what I knew that she hugged me.  She said, "Blackness, you're so good in history."  At that moment, I realized that I AM smart and even though I can't answer a math or science problem with ease, I can at least tell you more about where I come from than the average teen my age!  And I realized that my ancestors wondered why White people didn't like them, and why they treated them so wrong, and they got through it!  So can I!  The only difference is, I'm not dealing with White people, I'm dealing with my own race. . .sad ain't it?

Love,
               Blackness

Love and Driver's Ed! Week 4!

On Tuesday, my Mom had me drive around the block, and I thought I was ready, but of course I wasn't.  It was at night too, so I was extra scared, but I was delighted to see that BGF was outside, coming from who knows where, to see me drive.  Then he had asked to come with us to watch me so that he could feel like a part of the family, and I told him that he could come as long as he would just shut up.  See, I love BGF in every way and I wouldn't change him at all because though he may seem so distant from me at times, he actually really cares about me and I feel the same for him.  The one thing that I think is so funny about him is that he loves to be competitive, and when he wins he rubs it in your face until you never forget it, and I can still remember the day when I got the phone call from him about him getting his driver's license.  I was sitting in the parking lot of my school waiting for the seniors to come to their prom line-up when my phone rang.  I was surprised to see that it was him, and he just couldn't wait to tell me that he got his license before mine!  And there are a lot of other things that he thinks I don't remember about him, but I definitely do.  Sad thing is though, he remembers a lot of things about me that I didn't even think were important.  So I am definitely lucky to have him--No lie!
Anyhow, he was happy to hop into the back seat of the car.  I did really good speed wise and I could drive really good going straight down the street, and since there is not that much traffic that goes through my street, I get to do a lot more at home than most other teens.  The problem that I had was the right turns, and I think that with some more practice, I will be able to get it down.  Then the embarrassment occurred when I almost crashed into the fence when I was backing into the driveway.
"Hit the brake! Hit the brake!" Mom yelled.
Then we all began to laugh because I even had to admit that stuff was funny.  Then later on I showed him my JROTC uniform that I was so proud to wear this week!  I was looking so cool in that uniform!  With my Afro, I was a Black Militant!  You know like "say it loud! I'm BLACK and I'm PROUD!"  I had worn it the whole day, and this woman in my college class at Tri-C was so proud to see me in it, and that made me proud to see me in it!
But, I think that the one thing that made my week was the "Back-to-School" speech by Barack Obama.  He was so serious about how we should put 100% of ourselves in everything we do, and this gave me hope that I can get straight A's  this year, which would be a first for me and I still hold out hope that I will get into Ohio State, Georgia State, Penn State, and Howard. . .maybe even Spelman.  Our college path teacher  wants us to write a paper on it, and some of the idiots in my class gave me a headache because they were asking the dumbest questions over and over again.  Plus she was arguing back with the students that were getting an attitude with her!  Ugh!  It had gotten so bad to the point where I wanted to pull her aside and tell her how to teach, even though I probably wouldn't be good at it myself.  But they remind me of my driver's ed class; there are only 5 people in my class, but the teacher Mr. G is very out there and isn't afraid to put you on the spot, but he's really cool.  I really don't have a problem with any of the people there, but I do have a problem with the one boy there.  I will call him Captain Donkey when I really mean the other meaning for Donkey if you know what I mean.  He doesn't try to "cut a sistah down" in an obvious way, he tries to do it on the sly and that still is unacceptable, but there are so many things that I can say about him like how he really can't read like a normal 16 year old should, and he is dumb as a doorknob if you ask me, but I won't say any of those things. (Oh, I'm not insulting anyone who can't read that good.  I'm just insulting him because he tried to play me like I was an idiot!)  I really don't need to start nothing with him because I only got to see him for one more weekend and I will not see his Donkey face again!  And only one more weekend of Driver's ed and I don't have to ever wake myself up on the weekends!

Now let's get to the love part!  SG, to me, is really starting to show that he might have some feelings for me, but there is this other part of me that's not sure.  Like the other day when he came to see me when I was over my grandma's house, well I hope he was coming to see me.  This was the first time that he had done that in maybe a year or two, and that showed me that he might have me on his mind.  Then I look around school and see all those other girls that wear tight clothes and do their hair every five seconds, and I wonder if that is what he wants.  I mean, he has a had a girlfriend before, I don't know how many, but he's had one before and I can't play her because she seemed really nice, but I can't help but to ask myself, what does he see in here that he didn't see in me that one time?  I guess she might be fun to hang out with, and not as shy as I am, and that's the thing that really holds me back from meeting new people period!  I like to keep to myself because I hate attention, but I only like it if it's for a political reason, but I really seem to be so serious when I'm around him and other people, but I do loosen up to people after a while.  I think about what prom night is going to be like with SG, and what his reaction is going to be when I ask him to go with me, but I know that no matter what, it's going to be the right choice because I can't see me going with anyone else!  Talking to BGF or BFF is out of the question because I don't know how this is going to end.  I just hope it's a happy one. . .you know, one last happy ending before I go off to college.

                   Love,
                                Blackness

Teenage Dream

"You make me feel like I'm living a teenage dream the way you turn me on.  I can't sleep. Let's run away and don't ever look back, don't ever look back.  My heart stops, when you look at me. Just one touch. Now baby I believe this is real.  Let's take a chance and don't ever look back, don't ever look back. I'ma get your heart racing in my skin tight jeans, be your teenage dream tonight.  Let you put your hands on me in my skin tight jeans be your teenage dream tonight." -Teenage Dream by Katy Perry.

This may sound so ridiculous, but I made this me and SG's song.  The first verse describes "our" feelings perfectly, or the feelings that I hope he feels.  I haven't seen him in like a week, and I know that he's been gone for a while, but I'm hoping that I see him soon.  Every since maybe Monday night, I've been back and forth on whether or not I'm still going to ask him to the prom.  This may sound so weird, but I'm not a dancer and I don't listen to the music that we will have to hear at the Prom and I'm nervous to do all that stuff.  I know that Prom night is your night, and no one else should matter, but right now I'm just so worried about how I can get myself ready to do what I do.  And the only reason why I'm so nervous about this is because I plan on asking him in either January or December on Christmas Day!  I'm excited about that part though.  I'm hoping that this will go as I want it to, but I'm preparing for anything because he can be unpredictable.
Last week, I noticed something that made me feel good about SG's feelings for me.  He was sitting across from me, and I was standing up listening to someone talk.  Then I just so happened to look up and saw him staring at me, and then he looked away.  That day went good for us because it seemed like we were kind of flirting and I feel that I have been making some bold moves here: I give him my time, I give him attention, and I kind of give little hints here and there, but boys are blind.  My next move?  I don't know, but I'm thinking about it very thoroughly.  I'm just so proud of myself for the way that I'm handling this, and I hope that I will continue this way.

Love,
           Blackness

College Bond: Week 3!

I am proud of the effort I put in school this week, and it was a short one since there was Iowa testing for the 9th, 10th, and 11th graders so the seniors didn't have to come!
The thing I pride myself the most on is the fact that I stood  outside my government teacher's classroom for like 20 minutes after school until he came downstairs, and ya know I coulda and shoulda left! But I had to finish my study guide for the test, and I wasn't leaving until I finished it!  Now this is the addittude I needed a couple of school years ago! 
Right now, I got a lot of stuff going on: I got my college classes at Tri-C, I'm going to start drivers ed this week end, my ACT is coming up next month and I'm thinkinig about taking some prepratory clasess at DeVry, and I got applications that I'm starting to handle! Whow, that was a lot just to type!
But the other night when we were sitting in the car waiting for my stepdad to unlock the door, my mom told me something that got me a little bit excited.
"I think we're going to spend spring break in D.C. since you're thinking about Howard."
"For real?!"
Now this got me excited about college again since my dreams were crushed.  See I'm so confused on where I want to go to school at ever since I took Clark Atlanta off my list.  Oh, and this is a story I've got to tell!
Last April, we took a family vacation in Atlanta, Georgia and that was the best spring break I've ever had in my life!  Around that time, I had put Clark Atlanta at the top of my list so we just had to take a tour while we were down there.  Well. . .let me just tell you that I dropped that school from my list quick!  The school had lost a lot of it's old glory because no longer can it live off the memory of W.E.B. Du Bois or other greats that walked that campus because it is nothing mere a world of materialistic hoes that walk around school with tight booty shorts and heels; the boys HAVE to have the coolest clothes or they can't begin their day. The tour went pretty good, but it was not at all how it seemed like on the movies and on the website. Like I said before, the grass was dead, and it was a booty shorts paradise.


my cousin, who goes to Morehouse whom I will call Mr. Revolution, was trying to call me a couple of times, but I didn't want to answer the phone during the tour, but I finally did during our stop at the library, and he told me that he was at the student center and we would be close to him. So I got excited as we got closer to the end, and by that time, nothing that the tour guide said, mattered anymore. But I was listening to her somewhat. Then I looked over and saw this weird guy holding up a sign that says, "a revolution will not be televised!" Plus he had a megaphone. I was thinking, man this dude is having a rally while we're here. Then he began to walk up to my stepdad, and then I was thinking, dang, he about to walk up to Sam. Then that dude screamed out "Auntie!" and hugged my mother. So, I realized that it was my cousin! I began to smile as I tried to lisen to the tour guide, and then I heard a "psst! psst!" and he waved after he got my attention.

"Alright, that concludes our tour. Now I will take you back to the Office of Admissions so you can get your brochures." The tour guide said. I didn't even follow them because I was with my FAVORITE cousin! My Afro-centric cousin! My Neo-Soul cousin! My Revolutionary cousin! He looked a bit off with his goatee, and he had on this shirt that said, "go hard", with a fist on it. He was so happy to see us as he hugged everyone really tight. Then he introduced us to his female roommate who was trying to send out a message that the world has become so SUPERFICIAL, and as she was talking to me I was thinking, RIGHT ON MY SISTAH! I was impressed, I was dumbfounded! So she's trying to become Ms. CAU so she can actually change the school in a positive way instead of those other girls who just get choosen for their looks.  Soon after that, he began to tell us about what really goes on at Clark Atlanta. He said that people begginning to lose focus in school because all their trying to do is show off their fashion, and try to see who has the best clothes. So that's why the graduation rate is only 65%, and that's why we saw so many girls looking like they were about to go to the club at 4:00 in the afternoon. So I was like, um, Clark is OFFICIALLY OFF THE LIST! And this changed me forever!
My second choice had become Georgia State because I had made up my mind to go school in Atlanta, but not too long ago my dreams were crushed once again when I was told by my Mom that the only way I could to Georgia State was if I got hella scholarships!  So I turned to University of Akron, Ohio State, and Howard.  At first I didn't want to go to an HBCU, for reasons that I disclosed in the previous blog, but the thought of going to Howard has me excited.  So when we go, I hope I like it!

Be Successful! Week 2!

This week, I was all about doing what I had to do to be successful so that I can go to the college of my choice, and it was all thanks to a motivational video our college path teacher made us watch.  I don't know who the guy was, but he told this cool story about how if you want to be successful, you can't just want it, you have to REALLY REALLY want it to the point where you sacrifice sleep.  I personally would sacrifice to be successful, and have in the past, but we need our sleep or we're not going to be able to do anything!  Still, it's not impossible to sacrifice something else like me, I've stayed in the house while everyone else was outside having fun so that I could become this much closer to getting my book published so it can impact the community.
The thing that made me want to work harder was when I saw this video on the Ohio State website, and I have a link to it below, it was about 11 Black students that are currently going to their school.  They talk about the different stereotypes and the reason why they chose to come to a predominately white school.  The good point that all of them had was that race should never play a part in your decision.   I personally would rather go to a predominately white school only for the reason that it's more diverse than an HBCU, and I love diversity!  Every time I see an Indian person, or an Asian person, I tell myself that I live in a country where all these people are mixed together, and that makes me smile every time I think about it, even now! :-)  Now HBCUs or diverse only for that reason that you would meet so many people like you with a different state of mind.  And there is nothing wrong with going to an HBCU, but you have to look for the good ones to really get that education that will elevate you to be whoever you want to be.

Even though I'm terribly shy, and the thought of me speaking in front of a crowd of people makes me want to faint, but if I want to be able to get myself involved in the Black community, I have to get myself out of that fear.  In JROTC, the fear of me having to run the class is what's making me want to get out the class, but I'm just so tired of being scared and I've decided that if I want to get out of what people call a "shell" so that I won't have to let my fear of speaking interfere with the opportunities that I know that I will have for me in the future,  I'm going to stay in this class even though I think I'm the only one in my class doing this for the right reason.  But please click on the link below and I promise you that you will be motivated.

Love,
            Blackness

Danger:Educated Blacks!

A Book You Can Not Live Without

Right now I'm reading about 4 books, 2 have to deal with Dr. King (A Knock at Midnight, and Parting the Waters: American in the King Years 1955-1963 by Taylor Branch-yes that bad boy is over 900 pages!), 1 is dealing with the Black Panthers (Waiting'Til The Midnight Hour: Black Power In America by Peniel Joseph) and the other 1 is a book about how to find your inner Black self (Know Thy Self by Nakim Ak'bar).  Yeah, I'm a book worm kinda sistah, but there is one book that none of us should be living without, and that book is "A Knock At Midnight", a book of Martin Luther King's sermons, and that very title is the name of one of his most powerful sermons.  This book has changed my life!  Actually, it has brought light into my life when the sun wasn't shinning, but my mind goes off into distant lands every time I learn something new.  For instance, in history class, if we're talking about the Civil War, I will more than likely try to find a book about Slavery.  Right now, I'm trying to learn more about the Black Power Movement, and so far I don't agree with what the Nation of Islam was teaching our Brothers and Sistahs back then.   Anyhow, with this whole situation with SG, I have to read Martin's book because he always reminds me of my purpose on this Earth every time it becomes a little cloudy.  I got this book right from the Martin Luther King Jr. Center in Atlanta, and this has to be the best investment that I had my Mom make on me (yes, I was broke at the time.  Still am.)!  Every time I read this book, I pretend that I can actually hear him making the sermon and am pretty good at it.  And I remember so many of his quotes from the book till it's crazy, like this book has become my bible!  But I think that the most powerful of his sermons was "A Knock At Midnight" and in that sermon he talks about all the things that a church is there to do for the common folks of America, but the most powerful quote in that sermon; the one that anyone of us can use is the one I used in my blog "Lady sings the first week blues".  Man how I needed that quote today because I was even thinking about SG when I woke up this morning!  Ugh!  But lucky for me, my old crush from last year came back to school, I'll call him Mr. Vest because boy how I loved the way he looked when he came to school in a body hugging sweater vest.  Well I was so happy to see Mr. Vest because he is the best eye candy at that school, and here are the things that are working in his favor: he's smart, he's tall, he's cute, and respectful, but there was a reason why I stopped liking him in the first place: unlike SG, he's a playa (well as far as I know because SG never talks to me about girls).  He used to be hugged up on one girl after the other and that stuff got on my nerves so bad, but I was still friendly.  So now that he was back, I could at least keep SG off my mind while I was at school.  But I do like to think about BGF because he makes me feel as if there is some boy out there that wouldn't do me wrong.  I mean, we do mess wit each other and make fun of each other, but we mean it in good fun and still love each in the end cause we got each other's back.  Still on, I think that the only guy I can trust is Martin because he steps in when BGF can't be there, as he did today.   I mean, a sistah was pumped up!  I was reading my spoken word poem like the contest was tomorrow, and I read part of my TOP SECRET story really good too, which gave me this reminder that I was not put on this Earth to please any boy, so sorry my brothas.  I still love you though, and I'm pretty sure that by tomorrow, I will be thinking about SG again.

The Color of Love is Scarlet and Gray

This was the best weekend of the whole school year because I got to go to my BGF's (Best Guy Friend) first football game of the season, and that was exciting!  I mean, I was planning to pay for the ticket at the place because I wasn't sure I was going, but my boy got me a ticket which I thought was so sweet.  Before, I get into that, I want to talk about a brotha that I've been thinking about lately.  I won't say his name, but I will call him SG(Scarlet and Gray, and why did I pick these colors?  Just figure it out on your own, but by the time I ask him to prom, you will know just who I'm talking about.).  I don't know why it is that I'm thinking about SG, but I think it's because of how I realized how much we love each other, and I mean that in a fun way, and I just had to wait to my last year to realize it.  So ever since he helped me feel better about this recent guy situation, I've been having these weird dreams about us, and don't worry we're not doing anything, but we like each other in these dreams and there is no denying it.  In real life, I was denying my feelings for him, and I was trying to get over him, but as the days grow and the more time we spend together, these feelings get deeper and deeper.  I remember the last time I liked SG, it ended so tragically but we were young, and I didn't even want to be in the same room as him because he made me nervous, but now I have to see him more and more; I have to be around him more and more; I have to talk to him more and more because I like him.  And I really look at the big picture, it's pretty obvious that he likes me too, just as much or more.  Now, I'm not denying my feelings for him, but I want to get over him so bad!
Yesterday I decided to sit out on the porch so that I could have the quiet of the outdoors to give me the inspiration I needed to write a poem for my Grandfather's 80 birthday.  It was working well, but I got sidetracked for a moment when I saw my BGF walk outside to chase his cousin around; his annoying cousin.  Then before I knew it, she brought her fast self across the street.
"Hey, why didn't you talk to BGF?"
"I didn't hear him."
She smiled.  "You didn't need to."
Um, if you don't know, this young sistah is 12.
Then I thought, damn, now he's probably mad at me because I didn't hear him, so I called him, but he didn't answer so that was the end of that.  I just sat there and played "Crusin'" by Smokey Robinson because that song can calm me during any situation.  And next thing I know, here comes my BGF walking across the street on his cellphone.  I was thinking, "damn, he just got on his phone without even calling me back?  All right, I got him."  He just casually walked past me and went into the house.  Then here came his cousin talking to me about boyfriends.
"Oh, your boyfriend is my cousin.  Do you go with my cousin?"
I actually blushed, but told her "no."
"You like my cousin don't you?"
"Um, no I don't."
"Um-hum.  I see how y'all be lookin' at each other.  You over here standing in the door, and he's sitting in the car."
Um, let me remind you again that this young sistah is 12! 12! 
So I just had to explain to her how I was running away from bees which is why she saw me looking out the door, and I do have a wood porch after all.  And that my brothas and sistahs is the truth.  Again she was pretending as if she knew that BGF liked me.  But she thankfully went back across the street and my BGF came back outside asking me what I wanted when I called.  I told him that I just wanted to know what he said, and he told me he didn't even say anything!  (That little girl had me worried for nothing!)  And she came back across the street and both of them began arguing, and she had finally said that "you're just showing off because you like Blackness!" (don't be alarmed, that's not my real name)  And he said, "um sorry Blackness", but never finished, but I know what he meant.  And their arguing was hilarious at first, but she became so annoying that I just took my stuff in the house and went upstairs into my room to make sure it was BGF proof, and finally they took their argument upstairs and I closed my door just in case his cousin was thinking about hiding in my room so that he wouldn't beat her up.  But finally he locked her out the house and he went back across the street to get ready for his football game.
I had planned on wearing a plain top with a black blazer because that was my favorite item in my closet, but my mom said I was too overdressed for a football game.  I mean, I celebrities wearing theirs just going on the town, even the mall, I'm actually going somewhere!  When my friend came over, I asked for her opinion, but she didn't help at all, so I just threw it back on until my Mom told me once again that I was overdressed for a football game, and I changed into my 2pac shirt with some skinny jeans, and my gold Ecko high tops.  And my fro made me look so Afrocentric!  I was still angry that my Mom told me that wearing my Blazer was over dressed!  UGH!  When we actually got to the game, man there was a whole bunch of White folks, and not just any White folks, they were the upper-middle class kind who could actually afford to do shiznit like this every weekend.  And there were so many people at Browns Stadium that you would of thought that the Browns were playing, and the reality that my boy was going to be playing in front of all these people was sinking in.  Then there were the White girls that just had to wear their tight shorts, and a Black girl was there and her shorts were so short I probably saw her booty cheeks (as if I wanted to).  I just shook my head and was glad that I didn't stoop myself to levels like that to get attention from guys.
When we finally sat down, it was just in time to see the guys run out of the tunnel!  The Wildcats were all dressed in their uniforms, but I was looking for #16.  And I saw him, it was so cool to see him in his football uniform!  And the best part of a football uniform is the football pants!. . .tight football pants! :-)  I mean, I know that he's my BGF, but I just had to take a peek at #16, and it was nice! LOL.  Back to the subject, the whole atmosphere was fun, but he didn't get a chance to play.  I was salty, racist school!  His mom couldn't take that, so we just left  close to the end and took my friend home, and we waited for him to get off the bus, needless to say, they lost.  I was expecting him to be all mean, but he was cool.  He was laughing and talking like he usually does, and he was actually being a lot nicer to me than usual so that was nice.  And once we got home, I thanked them for having me and they thanked me for coming.  So I walked in the house and slept good that night because me and BGF have come along way.  Shoot, I've known him since he was in 3rd grade, and now we're both 16, I'm a senior in high school and he's a junior (yes, I'm suppose to be in the 11th grade), I still can't believe it.  But that night, I couldn't help but to have SG on my mind till the very minute I fell asleep hoping that I would soon get a sign that he wants me just as much as I want him, I txtd him that night to convince myself that he still might like me, and I felt good about it, though I have soon been discouraged.  :'(         (sad face crying)