Sunday, November 28, 2010
To many of you, Black Iz Power means, Black Power, but that's not the case. Black Iz Power is referring to the inner Black in all of us, the pride in all of us. A long time a go, Black was in, but sense then we have lost our way and we need to find it. We need to empower one another on our journey to finding it because only then will we have the power. This power that I speak of is not Black Power, but it is the power of Blackness, and the power of Education.
With the power of Blackness, we will have the strength, and the pride that illuminates our Black skin. The power of Education is knowledge of the struggle of our people, and the accomplishments we have made along the way.
And the Iz, it's just my way of separating this meaning from Black Power.
Anyhow, this weekend, I hit rock bottom. And I mean, the REAL rock bottom! For months I have been seeing the numbers 11 on the clock every time I looked up, and I was wondering what it meant. I had this hope that something good was going to come out of it on the 11th day of some month, but never would I have thought it to be a bad thing on the 11th month. This was my birthday week, and I did my best to make it the best week possible, but there were other plans in store for me.
On Friday, I was excited because I had gotten another acceptance letter and this one was from Indiana State. The only reason why I was excited was because if I could get into this school, I can get into Ohio State! That day, I was also on a high because I had read a story about how Bob Moses was beaten up by this white guy and still found the strength to get up off the ground, his head still bleeding, to sign two Blacks to vote. That same day when I read that, I had gotten a text from Donkey about an NAACP table at a local high school, and I day dreamed about how I would talk to the people that came by the table and the things I would say.
When I woke up that morning, I had this feeling like I really didn't want to go, but the story of Bob Moses was what got me out of bed and into that school. Then when I got there, I learned that there was a teen summit that Donkey told me nothing about! I was mad! Then he was one of the speakers, and he lied every time he opened his mouth! He's a horrible president, and he doesn't even tell me about half of the stuff they do! But that was just the thing that gave me a headache, there was something else that made me so mad that I cried.
I was at the NAACP table waiting for people to come, and two girls came. The first thing they asked me was, "what do we need to get?" I started off by telling them about the memberships when this. . .what's the best thing to call her without going out of principal. . .person just yelled at me.
"Why you gon' tell them about the memberships without telling them about the NAACP?!"
"I was getting to that!" I said politely.
So I preceded to tell them about the different things we do and when I ran out of things I turned it over to the Vice President. He did a better job than me, and I felt like I failed. I also felt like I didn't belong. So I told my step-dad to come get me, and I couldn't wait any longer in there while I was going through hell, and Donkey was happy. That's not fair after what he had done to me! So I took my Martin Luther King book and sat outside in the cold that I somehow ignored over my cries. Tears were actually going down my cheeks and I was so mad that I had almost cussed in front of my step-dad on purpose! Then to top it all off, I learned that SG might like my friend France.
I cried all that day, angry beyond comprehension. I kept asking myself why I had to go through this when I don't do anything to deserve this?! Then I was, and still am, considering quitting the NAACP because I joined so that I could do something to help out my community, not the drama that seems to surround Donkey. I'm at rock bottom, so I guess morning is coming tomorrow and the next day and the next day.
With my afro, I know that I can only go up from here. So, I looked at it like this. . .if it's true that SG likes France, cool, it gives a good to ask Mr. Revolution to the prom! Also, I will try one more NAACP meeting next week, and I will do my best to be above that bull! So, I will give you an update.
Sunday, November 21, 2010
On Monday or Wednesday I thought about writing a trilogy chronicling my relationship with SG, but instead of calling him SG, I call him spoken word. Why did I choose spoken word out of all the other words in the world? That's because the poem is spoken word and people use this kind of poetry to express their deep feelings about ANYTHING. I write spoken word about everything, and it's so free! You can rhyme if you want, or you don't have to. You can make noises and sing. I mean, if you haven't heard of spoken word, you better get into your life and get there fast because this is the best outlet for your emotions! I mean, there are geniuses out there like Black Ice, and even more personal, my cousin, Mr. Revolution. I could go all day about why you should be listening to spoken word, but I need to be getting in bed before I can't get myself out of bed in the morning!
Well, I know that I wasn't going to mention SG again, but I had the craziest dream about him about two nights ago. See, this was the first dream that I had about him in a while, and in the beginning of the week I was having dreams about these ignorant brothas that I don't even think about, but I was satisfied that it wasn't him. Then Friday night, I had a dream about him and we were flirting like we didn't care about anything. It didn't go any further than that! I promise! Then the crazy thing about it is that, I enjoyed it. When I woke up, deep-deep-deep-deep-deep down inside of me, I knew that I wanted to dream about him again. Then I got angry at myself asking myself, what the hell was I doing liking him in the first place?! I didn't get an answer, so I was just mad at him when he in all reality didn't do anything to me! (In this world anyway) Then every time I looked up, there seemed like there was always something popping up to make me think about him. Huh! This is so wrong! I think I need professional help, that including Oprah and Dr. Phil, shoot, maybe even Ellen.
But I'm going to keep my head up because my birthday is tomorrow, and I need to be as positive as I can as I turn 17. I'm one year closer to becoming a woman!
So peace and love,
Saturday, November 13, 2010
This week was all good and I kept myself positive, and that's when my guidance counselor took me on a field trip to this DeVry program called "Her World". At first, I truthfully didn't want to go, but I just went anyway because she really wanted me to go. Plus I got out of school. The first bump was when I didn't have my ID, and the office lady threatened to give me a dress code violation. Then when I got into the van I saw these two ho--girls that I didn't want to see. I will call the one girl, "Ms. Bigstuff" and the other, "Mrs. Connor" after Bull Connor. I didn't do anything to them, and of course they start talking about me just because there wasn't enough room for me to sit in the van. Anyhow, I first met Mrs. Connor when I first came to this school, and she always had the nerve to laugh at me when she really had nothing to talk about. Then in recent years, I've learned that she's racist against her own race, and I decided to put her on the spot by putting her full name in my book. Next I knew of Ms. Bigstuff, but I had never really become aquatinted with her till the tenth grade. She is most annoying because she thinks that the whole world is out to get her, and that EVERY girl envies her. Plus she thinks that she's always right. I still can't stand her because I know that she talks about me, even though she is friends with my cousin Princess Pink, but I never expect Pink to ever stand up for me anyways.
The ceremony turned out to be very inspirational, but the wait for the van was what kind of got to me. I guess the teacher was calling my name and I was talking on the phone with my Grandma and I couldn't hear her. So that drew the attention of those ignorant girls that I was sitting by. When I finally heard her, they began to laugh, even my cousin! So I really didn't appreciate that, so I moved to a quiet spot in the lobby of the hotel and read my Martin Luther King book because it makes me feel like I was in the '60s and I forgot about the whole thing. Then me and the teacher began talking about history and music, which was good too. On the car ride back, it was awkward because those girls were laughing and joking around while I was reading a book about history. I felt so out of place in this age and I felt like I should be hanging out with adults, not children! But I love who I am and wouldn't change it for the world!
While other girls were going to parties or hanging out at the mall, I was stuck at home baby sitting my baby sister, and ultimately my other sister who is close to the same age as me. So I was changing poopy diapers while other girls where changing clothes in the dressing rooms at Express. Then when I looked out the window I saw that BGF was out riding in his truck doing Lord knows what, and that could of been me. Then I thought about how I don't have a boyfriend and how things didn't work out with SG, but I satisfied my sweet tooth with some Eye Candy. I love Eye Candy because there is no commitment involved and you can fantasize about them all you want without the heartbreak of a real crush/boyfriend. See, even though you know that you will never be with this Eye Candy, as long as you are looking at them, they are yours. Today, Ohio State played against Penn State, and I have to admit that Penn State does not have too many cute Black players, but the white boys are cute. Ohio State has plenty of Eye Candy, and right now I'm caught between two of them: my longtime "boyfriend" Terelle Pryor, and Dan Torrence. When Terelle first came to Ohio State, I thought he was so cute and since then he has become the star of the team and he no longer can be just mine. Then we have Dan, who looks a little bit better, is just a rising star and he is so YuM! So it's getting pretty hard to choose!
Seeing Dan and Terelle today had me saying, "SG who?" I mean, don't get me wrong, SG got it, but these are real men. . .keyword: MEN. So I look forward to seeing them next week, and now that college basketball is about to get started I will start thinking less and less about SG.
Hooray for men's NCAA sports!
Sunday, November 7, 2010
Patience- that's a good word to use, and a good quality to have in life because if you don't have patience, you will never ever be able to get through every day. I don't know how I attained this quality, but I think that my support for nonviolence is what helped me. I mean, you really have to have patience to be nonviolent, and that's why Martin Luther King didn't beat no Bull Connor tail! This is how I don't beat up my sister when she REALLY gets on my nerves. Anyhow, when you are going through tough circumstances, knowing that one day it will get better makes each day easier because you are one day closer to morning. This is where SG comes in.
I know that many of you are tired of hearing about SG, but I promise that I won't mention him anymore until I reveal to you who he is, and if something MAJOR happens. Well, this week, I feel that I got conformation that he doesn't feel the same way I do, and even though I could be wrong, that thought is very liberating. I was tired of just wondering and observing just to see if he liked me back, and now that I feel that he doesn't, I'ma be okay! It hurt a little bit because I wasted a couple months of emotions on him, but I guess we just aren't meant to be together now, or if ever. It was hard to come to terms with it a little bit, but I have patience. I know that one day I will find somebody that is right for me and will treat me right, some one that is worth my emotions because I'm tired of wasting them on boys that don't give a damn! In the distant future, I know that I will be in college and there will be so many boys to choose from, and I will find somebody even though I may have to wait a little while.
In another way, it hurts because he is just so closed, so hard to figure out that it's crazy. I just don't think that a relationship with him will work because he never will communicate his feelings just like BGF. So, I have other men that really love me, one man in particular that tops the rest: my Papa. Love you!
Blackness - PEACE